Written In The Stars

Chapter One ~ Notebook

Hello,

My name is Oliver Conner. But most people call me Crystal.

My mother said it was a good idea to write down all of my feelings. Especially since I'm starting high school this week. So here I am. I honestly don't really know what to write about. I have a lot going on in my life right now. My parents are going through a divorce, I'm starting high school, and my only friend is moving away in a month. I guess I can start there.

My best friend, Lou (or LouLou as I call her) is moving to Michagan next month. I don't really know how to feel about it. She's really excited. I'm happy for her but at the same time I don't know what I'm gonna do without Lou. It's not like I have any other friends I can hangout with or talk to. LouLou tells me I need to open up more and make new friends but I honestly don't know how.

"Crystal! Dinners ready!" My mother, Sally, yells from downstairs. I close my notebook, set it on my bed and walk downstairs. I see my mother with my sibling, Rosemary, waiting for me. "What are you always doing up there? You never come down and see me! Neither of you do!" Mom scolds us, looking between me and Rosemary or RM as I call them. "Especially you, Crystal." Mom rolls her eyes. I scowl, while looking down. I absolutely hate my deadname. I have yet to come out to my parents so there's not much I can do about it.

I sit down and we all start eating. "So how's everyone's day been?" Mom asked, chewing her food. "Good. I made a new friend." RM states. "Who?" Mom smiles. "Their name is Alissa." RM says, picking at their food. Mom rolls her eyes and says, "She, you mean?" "No. They." RM stated, nonchalantly. "I don't get it. "They" means more than one person. Did you make multiple friends named Alissa?" Mom asks sarcastically. "No mother, they use they/them pronouns." RM states. Mom huffs. "No, sweetie, you're not understanding me. You can't use they/them for one person." RM looks up and crosses her arms. "Why not?" They ask. "What's the big deal? Why does it matter that they use they/them instead of she/her?" Mom looks at RM, raising an eyebrow. "Because it's not grammatically correct! A singular person can't be "they". They can only be a he or a she." RM rolls her eyes and I gulp. "You just used "they" for a singular person. You said, "They can only be a he or a she." So your statement makes no sense, therefore, I am correct." RM says before standing up. RM takes her plate to the kitchen. Then bolts downstairs to the basement.

"You agree with me, right Crystal?" Mom looks over at me. I really don't want to be in the middle of their fight. "I'm not getting involved." I say, standing up and taking my plate to the kitchen. Then I walk upstairs. Into the attic then into my room. Groaning, I plop onto my bed. What time is it? I look over at the clock and see it's 7:39. "I guess I can write some more in my notebook." I mumble. I grab my notebook and a pencil then flip to the page I left off on.

Rosemary made a new friend. Maybe I can hang out with them? That doesn't sound like a terrible idea, actually...

Changing topics, I want to come out to my parents but I don't know how they would react. I know my father wouldn't accept me but I'm not living with him so it doesn't matter what he says. I'm just not sure how mom would react. She might be accepting but seeing the fight her and Rosemary had tonight... I don't know. I don't even know how to come out! Maybe I can research it.

I think I'm gonna play my ukulele for a bit and go to bed. Good night.

Sighing, I close the notebook and set it on my bedside table. I get up and grab my green ukulele that I keep on top of my dresser.

After an hour or two of singing and playing my ukulele I decide it's time for me to go to bed. After I put it back in its place I change into my pajamas and climb into bed. "Good night." I say aloud before closing my eyes.

~ ~ ~

Beep beep beep. I groan and open my eyes. Huffing, I smack my alarm, effectively shutting it up. Mom said it would be a good idea to start getting up early because of school. I don't think so. I'm not much of a morning person. Not much of a night person either. I just like to sleep. Today mom and I are supposed to go school supplies shopping. She took RM last week so it's my turn. I get up and change into a white T-shirt, black ripped jeans, and a yellow and black flannel. As I run downstairs I see mom in the kitchen. "Hey! What time are we going?" I ask. "I have to finish up the dishes, then we can go!" Mom smiles, turning to look at me. I nod and make my way to the couch, sitting down.

It doesn't take long for mom to finish up the dishes. After she dries her hands off she slips on her shoes and grabs her purse. "Rosemary, I'm taking your sister shopping! We'll be back in a little bit!" Mom yells. RM is probably in the basement, like always. "K." They yell back.

Once we get in the car I plug my phone into the radio and play my favorite playlist. Should I tell her? Maybe we can set up a day where I can tell both her and my dad. I stop for a moment, thinking everything through. I turn down the music and look towards my mother. "Hey mom, can we have dinner with dad tomorrow? I have something I want to tell you guys." I mumble, fiddling with my fingers. "I can ask him... What is it? Why can't you tell me now?" She questions. I pause, thinking of an excuse. "Well I uh- I wanted to tell you both." I mumble. She sighs. "Okay. I'll ask him when we get home."

It takes about an hour to finish up our shopping. I got a binder, a few notebooks, some pens and pencils, some folders, and a new backpack. I was going to beg mom to get me a new water bottle but I decided against it. Once we get back home I run up to my room and grab my notebook, my special notebook.

I'm gonna come out to my parents tomorrow. I'm really worried about how they'll react. Rosemary already knows. I told her a few weeks after I first found out, which was almost a year ago. I don't know if I should just come out as trans too or as queer too?

I have a lot of thinking to do...

~ ~ ~

I spent the rest of my day googling 'how to come out' and watching videos of people talking about their experiences with coming out and how to do it. "Okay... I think I'm ready."