what does freedom really mean, when demanded of you by a god?

ei, your dog keeps pissing on my carpet

it was a normal day in teyvat for the anemo archon barbatos. the birds were chirping, the leaves were rustled by the gentle breeze. Until all of that peace was broken by a faint scream coming from the distance, from... liyue.

venti wasn't gonna save anyone or anything, but he was curious so he thought he'd go and watch. reaching wangshu inn, venti meets the familiar face of the geo archon, morax.

"omg? was that ur scream!!?" venti is struggling to stifle his laughter.
zhongli growls. "IT WASNT ME I I I DONT SCREAM LIKE A GIRL."

stomping can be heard from upstairs.
"what is all that ruckus?????" venti ask.

verr goldet is having a mental breakdown at the counter. she is sobbing into wei's fur.

"the... the electro archon paid a visit to wangshu.... s-she brought her... animal of some kind... next thing you know..." verr goldet lets out a defeated whimper "its ruined all of our pristine carpets and polished wooden floors..."

oh my barbatos!! that's crazy. who would bring a wild animal into wangshu inn??? but then again, zhongli's gay son was still allowed here? he's hardly human...

"please do something. we don't have any almond tofu left to calm him down... please help..." verr goldet begs the two archons.

zhongli sighs. "fine. let's go talk to him and make him snap out of it."

they go up the stairs and reach xiao's room. there is a sign on the door.

"DONT COME IN. HAVING A CRISIS. LEAVE ME ALONE."

god! that's blunt. but oh well. he doesn't know how to lock a door.

the door busts open. heavy breathing can be heard while the dust subsides and the silhouette of the young yaksha is revealed. he's surrounded by.... cleaning supplies.

"what on earth are you doing???" zhongli yells "everyone is worried about you!"

"t-the karma..." xiao falls to his knees. get a load of this emo! lmao!!!! "i c-can't stop..." with a shaking hand, xiao grabs the mop. "I MUST CLEAN THIS PISS UP." clenching a fist "FOR I AM... THE HYGIENE ARCHON."
venti can get nothing else out of his mouth besides a hasty cough. zhongli chuckles.

"nice work buddy. the floors are spotless." zhongli says.

xiao rubs the back of his neck shyly. like those anime protags yknow what i mean yeah yeah
"omgg🥺🥺 u flatter me rex lapis🥺🥺🥺" what? pick me? choose me? love me? but in this case... yeah no, venti's out of here.

he turns to leave.

"WAIT." zhongli interjects. "i can't talk to ei on my own. she's kinda scary."

"ugh, i don't want to talk to that bitch. i'm allergic to yae miko."

"i didn't know you were also allergic to kitsune. but face your stupidly convenient allergies, you weak little shit." zhongli grabs venti by the ear and pulls him out of the room.

and so, adeptus xiao i mean .. the hygiene archon... was left to clean up the carpets. but that was only one part of the problem solved. they still needed to talk to ei. and this defo wasn't gonna be easy.

when they got down to the restaurant, they saw ei.. arguing with the manager.

"your DOG keeps pissing on the customer's shoes ma'am!!! we're gonna have to ask you to leave!!!!" the employee shouted

venti saw ei's face twist into an expression that only meant one thing.

"YOU WILL BE INLAID UPON THIS STATUE." she said as she unsheathed the musou no hitotachi from her 32 double D cups.
'thats impressive...' venti thought

zhongli rushed in front of ei. "OMG STOP EI THIS ISNT U 😤😤😤" he yelled

she sighed and awkwardly put her musou no hitotachi back into her boobs. it didn't really fit back in though. i guess it was just for show.
"i just wanted to bring yae on a nice vacation."

"at this rate she'll destroy all of liyue." zhongli crossed his arms "i can't let you do that, please just... i don't know get yae a litter box or something. why can't she just turn into her human form again."

"i..didn't want her to look suspicious!!" ei got all defensive. "she's doing it on purpose!! and it's not that bad right?"

"you've driven the last of the yaksha more crazy than his goddamn karma has, ei" zhongli grabbed her by the wrist.

venti realised he should sneak away now if he wanted to avoid being crushed by a giant meteor. zhongli noticed in the corner of his eye the anemo archon's quick and silent departure, and he was not going to let venti get away either.
"oi, morax, what are you doing??? what did i do???" venti shrieked

"you've got a knack for training animals haven't you. get your fucking lyre out." zhongli threatened

venti, under pressure, reached to pull out his lyre before realising. oh fucking shit. he left it in mondstadt. "uhh.........."

i will have order—