what does freedom really mean, when demanded of you by a god?

fishing trip with captain kaeya

recently, there's been a gap that venti has been unable to fill with alcohol. what is that you may ask? it's with love, of course. how sweet and romantic. nothing can go wrong

you see, he had a tinder profile, sure... but all of the hotties were being snapped up by a certain member of the knights of favonius. what exactly is venti missing that kaeya has?

it's the abundance of fishing pictures, of course. because what is more attractive than a man holding a giant, slimy flopping fish? absolutely nothing. so venti had an idea. maybe, if he convinced captain kaeya to take him on a fishing trip, he could get those sweet sweet fish pics and finally become the player he'd always dreamed of being. i mean i don't know when this dream came about, but he's the god of freedom, for fucks sake. let him do what he wants.

"you want to go on a fishing trip.. with me?" kaeya blushed. oh stfu. "that's great, because actually diluc's father taught me how to fish, did you know that? of course, that's before he died-"

"alright, alright, i know i just... i just want to know what it feels like to have more than 3 tinder notifications at a given time, and not ones telling me that 'there was a login to your account from liyue, please reset your password' "" but now that he thought about it, who the fuck was logging into his tinder account? oh well, it's not like they could do anything. he got precisely zero bitches, lol!

"okay, i'll take you fishing."

next thing venti knew, they were on a boat in the middle of cider lake.

"woah, there's so many fish." venti said, leaning over the side of the boat and peering into the water below. it was so clear and sort of calming as it lapped against the boat. "which one is most sexually attractive to hold up for a tinder profile?"

"of course, that would be a salmon. hot babes are all over salmon. no idea why. i think they like salmon more than me." kaeya chuckled but it was hard not to hear the pain in his voice.

kaeya seemed to reel in fish after fish, but venti couldn't even catch any if he tried. "ugh??!! why isn't this working!!!"

"it's clearly my masculine aura. they're flocking to me!" kaeya smirked "fish love a dominant alpha male. it's common sense."

venti had a momenr of realisation. he's not alpha enough?? he's not chad enough?? is that what the hotties were into?? oh my god. he needs to change his whole life and he had to do it RIGHT NOW.
he took a deep breath and thought of the most masculine, gigachad, someone who ebbs of masculine presence, person that he could think of.
hmm,...

well, who did he even know? zhongli... was a pathetic old man, he'd break his back before he could seduce anyone. well, kaeya is an obvious one.. but he couldn't just act like kaeya in front of kaeya. that's awkward. master diluc? jeepers, he's pretty scary and intimidating. but that's more when venti gets caught stealing. oh god. he can't think of ANYONE

so this is why kaeya is so popular.. when there is no other manly manly manny man to flock to, of course they come to kaeya. ugh!

venti took another deep breath. he'd been deep in thought and kaeya was still racking up piles of fish flopping around. he'll attempt his gigachad impression right NOW

"hey fishyss... fishy fishes..... come onnn.... come to meeeee." one fish approached. oh my god! it worked. he's just so masculine right now. i can't believe it. it was very small, but it was a start. venti was feeling so masculine he just reached in and grabbed the fish.

it looked a little weird. it.. looked really really weird. "oh my god, this.. this."

kaeya saw venti's bewildered face and looked over at his catch. "sick, buddy, you caught a boot!"

A FUCKING BOOT? of course. of course just a stinky boot was the only thing that he attracted. is this really what he was? this is so painful..

"kaeya.." venti said through tears "can i take a picture with one of your fish.."

kaeya, feeling a little sympathy, handed him a salmon. venti pulled out his phone and snapped a stupid little goofy picture. his eyes were red from crying but maybe no one would notice. they'd surely all be focusing on that fish he 'caught'.

venti returned from his fishing trip in pain. he collapsed onto the floor of angel's share, weeping. diluc handed him a tissue. "you're ruining my flooring. please clean it up."

venti couldn't do anything but continue crying as he mopped up his tears. "no one will ever love me!!! i can't even attract a fish!!! just a boot!!! JUST A BOOT, DILUC!!!"

"that seems about right. it's past closing time. please get out." diluc said as he turned off the lights. lit only by the dim light of a candle on the bar, venti cried himself to sleep.