When I Don't Remember You (Percico)

Chapter Ten: Dissect My Insecurities

Percy Jackson

Luckily that night wasn't too terrible and Mom and Paul got home the next morning.

Which, I heard them get home. I was already awake but I hadn't left my room yet since it was only 11:30 and I basically slept on and off until 11, but I got up to get dressed when I heard them because I miss my mom and I've had a very bad time being home alone and needed a hug from her.

Watching her switch back into mom mode was almost scary, though, because the moment she realized that I was in fact home and not at Rachel's or something, she was worried and wanted to make sure that I was okay.

I'm not, but right now wasn't that bad so I told her that I'm alright and gladly accepted a hug.

The lie didn't hold up for long, though, because she pulled away from the hug and her hands ran down my arms and made contact with the uh, cutting scars from the last few days.

Because while I got dressed, I blanked on the scars and just threw on a short sleeve shirt.

"What—" Mom questioned, confused by the texture change. "What's on your arms?"

"My arms?" But Paul heard the question and he looked over and immediately clocked the cuts for what they are. "It's nothing, Mom, don't worry. It's stupid."

"O— okay," and she didn't press it, but I'm sure she'd ask later. After all, she's not stupid.

And neither is Paul.

"Do you want to invite any of your friends over to spend the night?" Paul suggested, probably knowing that me being alone was a factor in the cuts, and a large one at that. "It's the last weekend before school starts so you should have some fun."

Because my friends will definitely think being here to make sure I don't kill myself is fun.

"Hm?" I hummed in response and made the connection that he's a teacher so this isn't new to him like it kind of is to Mom now. "Oh, yeah, I can ask Nico if he wants to come over. I'll uh... I'll IM him."

•••
Nico di Angelo

I love Percy. This has been stated before.

Getting an IM from him at like 1pm on a Friday felt bad, though.

"Percy! Hi!" I smiled when I saw him in the living room because at least he's left his room, then. "What's up? We're still on for Tuesday, right?"

"Tuesday? Yeah, that's still the plan!" My date mate reassured me that this wasn't a break up call, which was nice because while I'm not that worried about it, I'm always a little worried about it. "but uh, would you want to like, do a sleepover tonight? My parents are home this time, so you can even have some uh... I'm not sure what mom's making but she's baking something she said. You don't have to come over if you don't want to obviously, but Paul just suggested that I have a sleepover and yeah."

Paul suggested a sleepover?

That feels like I should stop for a little gift on the way. 

"Oh, okay, yeah!" But also I'll take any excuse to hang out with him and it's pathetic but true. "I'll head over in a little bit! Is there anything you want me to bring with?"

Shaking his head, Percy told me to just bring myself and so I grabbed the bag I always have ready to go, and shadow travelled to the little art shop they have down the street from the apartment because I know he hates to admit it, but he likes to paint and some of the things in their apartment are his works (even though he says they're Sally's).

So I just got him some brushes and a little cup before popping into the candy shop and getting a few blue taffies to really fill the cup and carefully made my way to the apartment as to not spill the cup.

And really, it was worth it, because he almost cried but in a good way when I gave it to him.

It was a fun day, though! Sally made some blue cookies along with lunch, which was a corn soup with a name that I could pronounce if I saw it written, but I don't know what Sally said.

Either way, it was delicious.

Sally and Paul told us a few stories from the honeymoon, though, and the entire time all I could think about was the fact that they don't know that I'm dating their son. We're sitting across from his parents as partners and they don't even know.

That's crazy.

And I'm saying that as if we changed that. We didn't.

When we fell asleep that night we made sure the door was locked so they wouldn't find out in the literal most embarrassing way possible, and then double checked the lock before falling asleep.

That didn't stop either of us from anxiety dreaming.

•••
Percy Jackson

Have you ever had a dream where you didn't know who you were, where you were, or why you were there? Unable to like, get help and fearing that you were truly alone?

Because I did, and I woke up from that dream and almost immediately had a panic attack because what if I made all this up because I don't actually have my memories since a lot of my childhood memories are sparse or vague so maybe I just convinced myself that they're memories and not stories and like...

What if none of this is real?"

"Per..." I barely heard Nico murmur after I had shot up and taken the blanket with me.

But then he notices my state of panic and confusion and also sits up, shifting to face me.

"Oh my gods," Nico said as he sat up. "hey, Percy, deep breaths, okay? With me, do it with me. Breathe with me."

And holy shit does he have strong lungs. I almost suffocated on holding the first breath.

Then again, my lung capacity has probably gone down since middle school considering the fact that I no longer hold my breath underwater and that was like all of my cardio and still is.

Hm.

Anyways, after nearly dying, my body started to shock itself back to the not state of anxiety, forgetting about a lot of the dream (ironic, I know), as the shitty guilt and exhaustion started to set back in because not only did I wake Nico up, but I also made him worry and stress because of a panic attack that usually would've probably ended in me cutting to make me feel something I know is real.

Why would he want to date me? I don't understand.

Like, sure, he's sort of told me, but that doesn't mean that it makes sense because what he thinks are good qualities I think are bad and it's bad and everything is bad and I should be dead but I'm not.

If i just jump off the fire escape then maybe—

"Percy," Nico's voice interrupted my intrusive thoughts, making me look at him again and he smiled at me, just a little bit. "hi. Did you have a bad dream?"

I nodded my head.

"Should we put on some background noise so you don't have to think about it?"

I nodded my head again.

After all, it's not like it was a demigod dream, right?

It's just my anxiety, telling me that I'll be alone forever.

But maybe I won't be, because Nico's here right now and we're laying together as oldies quietly player in the background, the mix of that and Nico playing with my hair putting me to sleep once again.

This time, I was able to stay asleep (although Nico wasn't, he had a dream about the lotus that he told me about in the morning).

And I don't get it, but he loves everything i hate about myself, so who knows. Maybe he's smarter than I am and I'll have to learn from him.