Gone.

begin again

Carinas pov

The waiting game. The hardest part of this whole process. Waiting to see if she's okay, waiting to see if she'll wake up. Waiting to see how mad she's going to be at me. Waiting to see if our marriage can make it through this.

She's been in surgery for 6 hours now. 6 long hours. Amelia interrupts my racing thoughts to give me an update. She hands me a cup of coffee, and sits down next to me. "Carina, shes out of surgery. They had to take more of her leg than they thought, because the infection had spread too far for it to be salvaged. But she's alive. And she will recover from this."

I can hear her perfectly fine, but something in me doesn't want to understand what she's saying. "Listen, I don't know exactly what you're going through, but... I just wanted to let you know I'm here, and I'm not leaving. I'm not letting you go through this alone". I rest my head on her shoulder, her steady heartbeat somewhat calming to me.

"When is Maya going to be brought back here?" I ask, my hands burning from holding the hot cup of coffee. I would set it down, but it's the only thing I can feel right now. The only part of my body that hasn't gone numb, counting my brain.

"About an hour. But until then, you need to eat. I know you aren't going to want to, but you need to. For now, take this." She says, handing me a granola bar. I slowly open the package and eat it. I'm not hungry. I'm actually nauseas, but I know I need to eat. I also know amelia won't leave until I do.

I hand her my keys, and say "can you run the my apartment quickly and grab me some things? I don't want to leave incase she comes back early". She takes the keys and says "of course, what do you need?" I tell her to grab me some clothes, a blanket, some snacks to keep in the room, and my water bottle. She heads over, leaving me alone in the room again.

The rhythmic ticking of the clock soothes me as I wait for her. Waiting to tell her I told them they could take her leg. Waiting to tell her she will probably never fight fires again, and possible ever run like she used to.

Amelia comes back before maya, handing me my backpack filled with everything I asked for. She sits next to me again, this time squeezing my hand. Not a word was shared, but we both knew what we wanted to say.

Squeaky wheels bring me back to the present, my eyes pinned to the door, waiting to see Maya. I watch as nurses wheel her back in. She looks so different than the last time I saw her. Color has returned to her face. "She's on heavy sedation, she should wake up in about an hour. She'll be in a lot of pain, so page us and we'll give her meds for it." A nurse says. I nod, "thank you." I say quietly.

I grab her hand, slowly running my thumb up and down the back of her hand. "I'm so sorry bella. I'm so sorry. It was the only thing they could do. I'm sorry." I whisper to her. I slowly pull the blanket back, wanting to see more of what amelia told me earlier.

My heart sinks as I see what remains of her leg. Above the knee, about 4 inches up. I can't even imagine the pain she'll go through, both emotional and physical. Most of her life is based off of running, her Olympic medal, her job, it's what calms her down. Now what?

About three hours later, her eyes slowly begin to flutter open again. This time, with more life. She's breathing on her own, has a steady heart rate and bp. "Carina" she whimpers. I page the nurses, who come in and administer medication for her pain immediately. "I'm so sorry Maya. It was all I could do to save you." I say, holding her hand.

She pulls the sheet up, seeing what remained of her leg. She went dead silent as she stared at her leg. She stayed like that for a few minutes before looking up at me with tear filled eyes. "Leave. Please. Get out." She says to me.

I nod, my mascara running down my face. I leave her room, and head to the nearest staircase. As I sat down on the concrete stairs, my heart began to race. My mind going a million miles an hour. My breathing became more shallow, my chest aching.

"Carina?" I hear, but I can't turn and look. "Hey. Hey. It's going to be okay. Look at me. Okay? You're having a panic attack. You're okay. Can you breathe with me Carina?" Amelia says. I try to calm down, I truly do. Nothing is working. "I'm going to try one more exercise, but if it doesn't work I'm going to get your meds okay?" She says. I can't even speak.

She basically forces the pill down my throat, and then sits next to me, holding me tightly. Once my body stops shaking, my vision clears, and my ears stop ringing, I begin to cry softly on her shoulder.

"Amelia.." I say. She runs her fingers through my hair. "I know Carina. I know."