Gone.

do you still want me?

Tw: mentions of an Ed

Carina runs into the bathroom, and immediately sits down next to me asking if I'm okay. "Carina. I'm fine." I say, but she ignores me and continues checking me for bruises, cuts, and makes sure my incision didn't re open. 

"Carina." I say louder, but she still doesn't stop. "Carina." I yell. She stops everything, turning to look me in the eyes. "Carina I'm fine." I say. She sighs. "Maya it's okay. Just let me.." she begins to say but I cut her off. "No. I'm fine. Let me get up." 

I try to stand up, my knee wobbling beneath me. I grab into the counter and try to pull myself up. Before I can even get myself up Carina grabs me and helps me up. 

"Stop." I say. "No,  Maya. Let me help you." She says. "Is this how the rest off my life is going to be? You holding my arm? Helping me getting dressed?" I yell, Carina goes silent. 

"I can't even go to the bathroom without falling on my ass. Why did you ever think this would be something I would want?" I add. "I didn't know what you would want. But I guessed that you'd want to fight. To fight to stay alive, to run again. I figured you'd want to fight to see the rest of your life with me, and maybe our kids.".

There's tears running down her face, she can't even look me in the eyes. "Carina I love you." I say. "But?" She adds. "No. There is not 'but' this time. I love you and I'm sorry. I'm sorry you had to make that choice, and im sorry I'm so angry at everything I just feel so... dependent?". She sits next to me on the bathroom floor, resting her head on my shoulder. 

 "Bambina it's okay to be angry. You can tell me what's upsetting you. We need to communicate better, si?" She says. I nod. "Alright now help me up, because I have to pee." I say. She laughs, giving me her hand to help me up. 

She leaves, and I stand up to wash my hands. The soap was out, so I looked through the cabinets for more. A certain box stood out to me. Pregnancy tests. The box was open, four gone. Is she..? 

I grab my crutches and head out into the kitchen, sitting on a stool at the counter. She's cooking breakfast, which is a thing she's started doing since she's been home in the mornings. "Carina" "yes bella" she answers. 

My mind is moving a million miles per hour as I try to word my question in the best way possible. 

"I was looking in the cabinet and I saw a box of pregnancy tests, and some of them were missing. Are.. are you pregnant?" I say. She doesn't take her eyes away from the food she's cooking. "I was." She says after a sigh. 

"You were when.. I.. what happened? Did you.." I can't get a sentence out. I don't know what to say. What to ask? 

 There's a long silence before she says "the week before your accident I missed my period. I just decided to take a test to rule it out and it was positive. So I went to the hospital to get my blood drawn to be sure and it was also positive. I had this whole big romantic thing planned for the night of your accident. I was gonna take you to dinner, and tell you there. But, obviously that...didn't go as planned. I miscarried. Addison made sure everything was fine. I'm sorry I didn't tell you, I didn't think you needed more on your plate"

I'm speechless. She still hasn't turned around. I know she's crying, I can hear it in her voice. I can't believe she went through this alone so I would be okay. I didn't even know I started crying, I just felt the hot tears run down my face. 

I try to say something. Something to make her feel better, something to break the silence. She plates the food and comes and sits next to me. I wrap my arms around her, unsure of what else to do. She tucks her head into my shoulder and silently sobs. 

Carinas pov 

I finally told her. At least about the second one. I know it would've helped to tell her in the moment, to get some of the pain and grief off of me, but I couldn't. She lost so much that day. 

She's just holding me, and that's all I could ask for right now. "Babe we need to talk about you. This past month has been all about me and what I've been through. You obviously been struggling too." She says. 

I just keep crying onto her shoulder. "It doesn't have to be right now, but I'm worried about you."  She says. I catch my breath, and slow the stream of tears falling down my face. "I'm okay" I say. "You're not, and that's okay honey. I just want you to know you can talk to me, you can tell me when you're upset." 

"I'm sorry. The last thing you should be worried about right now is me." I say. Maya grabs my hand. "I'm always worried about you. You're my wife. You're my everything, I want you to be okay and it's clear that you're not." 

I take a few deep breaths. Trying to calm myself down enough to talk. "I.. I don't want to talk about it right now. I cant.." I say quietly, tears clouding up my vision again. 

"This isn't your fault. None of it. You're the reason I'm still alive..." she says. My brain won't even register the fact that she said that. I can't stop blaming myself. "I need to start seeing my therapist again." I add.

She nods. "Me too." She adds. We sit there in silence with each other for a while. Both of us now understanding the pain the other is going through. 

"I think we should stop trying... for kids. For a little bit. At least until I'm walking again." Maya says. I agree, part of me knowing if we don't have kids now, we'll never be able to. We could adopt, but we could never have our own biological kids. 

She picks up her fork, and starts eating. I sit and eat with her slowly, my mind trying to stop me, but my overwhelming hunger winning. I eat as much as I can, until my mind wins again, spreading the remaining food around to make it look like I ate more. I can feel her eyes on me, burning holes in my skin. 

My mind starts to race, thinking of how to get myself out of this situation as fast as possible. How to not address the elephant in the room. I start doing the dishes, scrubbing hard at the plates, not realizing the red marks it's leaving on my hands. 

I shake out of my trance when Maya places a gentle kiss on my shoulder, stopping my movements for a few seconds before going right back to the dishes.