Gone.

can't shake the feeling

Tw/ same as last chapter

Carinas pov 

Two months later 

I've been going to therapy again, which is good for me. Mayas prosthetic came, and she's been doing really well In her recovery. She's adamant about her PT, and not overworking herself. She's still using crutches when she walks, because she not used to the prosthetic knee joint but she's getting there. 

I walk into our bedroom, to see Maya unboxing something. "Bella what is that?" I ask, it's a huge box. I watch as she takes it out of the packaging. It's a prosthetic she can run in. "I'm not even close to being able to use it, I just thought I should have it so I know what I'm working so hard for." She says, my heart sinks at hearing it. Running. She wants to run so bad, the freeing feeling of running is what she misses the most, not work which I'm surprised at. 

"I have to work tomorrow, but Amelia said she'd come over and hang with you while I'm gone." I say. "Car I don't need a baby sitter." She answers. "I know. I just want someone here to keep you company." I say back, which is a lie. 

I know she can do everything she wants to do at home, but I'm still afraid she's going to push herself too hard when I'm not here and get hurt. God forbid she falls and hits her head. 

My heart races, my thoughts following. I can't lose her. I can't see her unconscious in a hospital bed again. I can't see that again, and wish it was me.  I leave the room before she can notice. My hands grip the cold bathroom counter like it's the only thing left. My eyes squeeze shut in an attempt to stop the dizziness from taking me over.

The next day 

Amelia gets here early, I'm still getting ready. I staring at my body in the bathroom mirror. My bones sticking out, my scars fading. I've been trying to eat more, I really have. I just can't shake the feeling that I don't deserve it. That I did this to Maya. 

I head downstairs, Maya is asleep and snoring loudly. "Carina!" Amelia says, smiling and hugging me. I start going over all my concerns about Maya to her, and what to do if something happens. "She's going to be fine. I'm here. You have done a fantastic job these last few months and I'm proud of you. Now go bring some babies into this crazy, hectic world." She says. I smile and thank her. 

Mayas pov 

I wake up around 9, grab my crutches and head out to the kitchen to get some breakfast. Carina must've cooked this morning, because she left me a plate in the fridge. Amelia is on the couch reading her book. "Morning" I say. "Good morning blondie" she answers. 

"Did she leave you a laminated sheet of instructions on how to take care of me?" I say as a joke. "No, but I did get a long winded briefing this morning." Amelia replies. She waits a second before saying "you know, she may be a little over the top sometimes but it's because she cares so much about you.". 

I smile, "yeah I'm pretty lucky." I reply. We sit in comfortable silence for a while, before I say "how's Kai doing?". "Oh they're amazing. Our one year is coming up in a few days." We talk about them for a while,  before I turn the tv on and watch some dumb reality show Carina loves. 

Amelia puts her book down  "She's not doing well, is she?". She says referring to Carina. "No... and I don't know how to help her. I'm trying, and she's trying but.." I say, but amelia cuts me off. "There's nothing you can really do to help her. Once she's.. this far in, she's the only one who can dig herself out of this hole. I'm not saying support from her wife wouldn't help, but there's nothing else you can really say or do that will 'fix her'." She says, emphasizing the last part. 

I take a deep breath and look out the window, knowing eye contact with amelia will make me breakdown right now, and I can't cry in front of her. "I'm not just saying that to make you feel better. I just know from experience that when you're that deep into such a dark scenario, you don't need a lifeguard to come save you, you need to learn how to swim." She says. 

Carinas pov 

I only have 4 more hours in my shift until I can go home and see her. Every corner I turn is a surgeon or nurse asking me how she's doing. I love how much they care, but I need a second to clear my mind and just do the job that I love. 

It's not that I don't want to think about my wife. It's that she occupies every corner of my mind now. Every time I think about her, it's just a spiral of thoughts. And the thoughts don't stop. The constant fear of losing her, the guilt, the old Maya. Now that I'm trying to not think about it, it's all I can think about. 

As I'm scrubbing in, my mind wanders off. I must've been there a while, because when I finally come back to consciousness Jo is yelling my name. I look down and my hands are raw in spots, small crimson spots forming. "I.." I try to speak, but nothing comes out. "It's okay, I know." Jo says. She bandages the cuts, and then cleans my hands quickly before we head in. 

While preforming the c section, I get a sudden gut feeling that something has happened. I haven't heard from amelia in like 5 hours. That can't be good, I mean she would text me if she could and if she can't it means Maya isn't good. I ask an intern to text amelia for me, and she does. 

"Any response?" I ask after a few minutes. "Not yet." Fuck. This can't be good. Amelia always answers quickly. Something went wrong. I never should've left. "How about now?" I ask a few minutes later. "No." She answers. 

"Call her." I say. "Dr deluca, it's only been 10 minutes. Maybe.." she starts but I cut her off. "Call her, or get out of my OR." I snap. The phone starts to ring and amelia eventually picks up. "Is she okay? Is everything okay? What happened?" I spit out. Amelia replies almost instantly. "Car. Everything is okay here. Maya is perfectly fine. I think she's in your room, I'm going to get her on the phone so you can ask her yourself." She says in the calmest tone possible. My heart rate slows, hearing she's okay is more than relieving. 

"Babe, it's me." Maya's voice rings out. "Is everything okay?" I ask. "Yeah, it's good. Why wouldn't it be?" She replies. "I just had this terrible  gut feeling and I couldn't shake it.". The phone goes silent for a few seconds before she says "I'm okay. Let's talk when you get home okay?". I agree and she hangs up with a 'love u'.