Gone.

drowning together

Same tw as last two//

Mayas pov

I hang up the phone, and take a deep breath to try to reign my tears. Amelia looks up at my from the rug she's sitting on. "I know you're not big on showing emotions, but it's okay to cry. It's okay to breakdown. If you want me to leave, I'll go read my book".

My heart sinks at the idea of being alone right now. I already feel so alone, even though I'm never physically alone. I feel like a dam about to break, and I don't want amelia to be here for it, but I can't be alone. And the last thing I want is for Carina to see me like this, because it'll make her worse, and that will make me worse.

"Stay. Please." I say before tears start to fall down my cheeks. I continue my attempts of choking them back, but once the flood gates have been opened, I'm done for. My heart starts to race and my hands shake. I feel amelia get on the bed, and her hands holding mine. "Maya, I'm here. It's okay, you're okay." She repeats over and over.

I set my head on her shoulder and wrap my arms around her. My tears turn into uncontrollable sobs. My whole body vibrating with each wave of tears. "If you want to talk about it, I'll listen. If not, I'm still here. Not going anywhere.. It's okay, Maya." Amelia says. After a few more minutes I pull away from her, wiping my face with my sleeve.

I take some deep breaths, trying to regulate my breathing again. "I just don't know how to feel. Because I'm feeling everything and also nothing, and my mind doesn't know what to do." I spit out. She nods at me, holding my hand. "I'm nervous about Carina. Because she's not eating, and she feels guilty that she made the decision to take my leg." I sniffle. "And I'm angry at her. I'm angry that she took my leg. I'm angry that she relapsed and let herself go in a time when I needed her the most. I'm fucking pissed but every time I see her it all goes away because I love her. And I want her to be okay but then I get angry again because she did this to herself ."

Amelia hands me a tissue to wipe my face with. I take more deep breaths like Dianne taught me, before continuing. "And I'm anxious that I'll never run again. Running is such a huge part of my life. I'm upset that I can't fight fires anymore, but running is something else. It's what helps me when I'm anxious. It reminds me of the short periods of my childhood when my dad was proud of me, and when I was proud of myself. It's like a lost a part of me mentally, and there's this big hole that can't be filled."

When I finish that sentence, I'm out of breath. I lean my head back into her shoulder. This time, in sheer exhaustion. "Maya, everything you feel is valid. I understand each and every feeling you have, and why you have it. I know Carina is in therapy, but are you? I feel like talking to someone about this would at least take some of the weight off your chest?" She adds.

Carinas pov

I walk in the doors of our house, lazily throwing my shoes off to the side and yelling out for Maya. "Just a second babe." She answers. Amelia must still be here, her keys are on the counter. I pull out my computer and finish some work from the day. I hear the sound of crutches, and then see Maya emerging from our room with amelia.

I walk over to her, kissing her on the cheek before saying hi, and telling her I missed her. Amelia heads out, leaving just Maya and I. "Carina. We need to talk." She says to me, sitting next to me on the couch. "Are you okay?" I ask. "No, and neither are you." She answers.

"I.." I start but Maya cuts me off. "Let me start, please." I nod and let her talk. "I've been so overwhelmed by emotion lately. I need to go back to seeing Dianne. And you, I know you're trying. I appreciate that, I really do. I just don't think you're getting anywhere with your therapist..."

"What makes you say that?" I snap back. She takes a deep breath before continuing. "You had an intrusive thought today, and had to call amelia to make sure I wasn't dead. Jo told me all about what happened and you haven't really gotten better with your eating, which I understand is hard but.." I try to choke back tears but I can't. I can't hold them back anymore. I'm tired of holding them back.

"Maya im fine. I know myself, I know my emotions. I.." I start but she cuts me off. "Youre putting your walls up again, and I get it. You were put in a terrible situation and I shut you out after." She says.

"You couldn't even look me in the eyes. You told me I didn't know you. You told me you would've rather been dead. Do you know what hearing my wife saying that did to me?" I reply, tears falling down my face. She sighs. "Carina I can't apologize enough for that. I am so sorry. I truly am. But I lost my leg. I didn't even know it was going to happen, I just woke up and it was gone. I was in shock." She replies.

Part of me understands, but the other part wants to hold the resentment. "Everything I did was because I love you." I reply.

"I love you too, you saved my life. You're my wife, you're my favorite person on the planet. I can't watch you go through this alone. Please let me in." She says. I can't. I can't let her in. She would be disgusted with me if she knew the truth. All those nights I spent begging her to take care of herself, for me to just turn around and do the same thing to myself?