Dark Beauty

chapter 28

'So how was it with Lucas?' Avery asked the second she saw me. 
'Where is Jake?' I asked. 
'He is running late.' She said. 'Now tell me, how was it.' 
'It was fine.' I said. 
'You're lying.' She pointed a finger at me. 'Tell me the truth, I'm your best friend.' 
‘I said that I’m fine.’ I repeated, was it this obvious that I really wasn’t fine?
‘And I said that you are lying.’ She emphasized the word lying. ‘What are you hiding from me?’ 
‘Why do you think I’m lying?’ I asked.
‘Because I know. What happened?’ she asked.
'You can't tell anyone.' I said. 'Not even Jake.' 
'Okay, I promise.' She sat down on a bench I sat down next to her. 
'Lucas tried to have sex with me.' I blurted. 
'He what?' She asked 'You guys still haven't done it?' 
'No! I would have told you.' I said. 
‘Really? I could’ve sworn you guys had had sex already.’ She said. ‘I mean you have been together for some months now.’ 
‘I know.’ I mumbled. ‘Well, we haven’t. Also just because we’ve been together for some time doesn’t mean we have to have done it, already, okay?’ 
‘Yeah you’re right, but still.’ She said. 'So what happened?' Avery asked. 
I told her the whole story, the way he got mad and said that I didn't love him and then told me leave his house. I also told her that I still hadn't spoken to him. 
'I can’t believe this. He just stooped to a whole new level.' She exclaimed. ‘Are you okay?’
‘Not really.’ I said. My throat was closing again, but I didn’t want to cry.
‘You know that nothing of that was your fault right?’ She asked.
‘He said I ruined a perfect day.’ I mumbled
‘Leila.’ She said. ‘Look at me. This is not and never will be your fault, can’t you see that he was forcing you to do something you didn’t want to?’
‘I know.  It’s just that he gets in my head in such a way….’ I said. 
‘I know it’s hard.’ She said. ‘But I’m seeing this from the outside, and what I’m seeing is my best friend in an abusive relationship.’ 
‘What?’ I said. 
‘He manipulates you, make you feel bad and guilty about everything, doesn’t let you spend time with your friends; I can list many more things.’ She carefully said. 
‘I know he is not the best but, I just… I need to think.’
‘Okay, one question, were you not ready or did you just not want to?' 
'I didn’t want to, not with him.' I admitted. 'The fact is, well, Jake told me once that you know a relationship is working when the person is making you happier than sad… and when Lucas started trying to take my clothes off, I realized he makes me sadder.' 
'You're starting to see the truth.' Avery smiled. 
‘I don't love him, not anymore.' I whispered. 
'Who makes you happier?' She asked. 
'Jake.' His name just escaped my mouth. And the moment I said it, I knew it was the truth. I don't think anyone made me happier than Jake.  
'So why are you with Lucas?' She asked.
'I just figured this out.' I admitted.
'What about Jake? Do you think you like him? I mean like like him.' She asked. 
'Jake is my best friend, I would never risk my friendship with him.' I said.
'So you do like him.' She said. 
'I don't know. Let me think.' I put my head between my knees and breathed. I didn't want to say it, but I think I was falling for Jake. No. I was just confused because of my situation with Lucas. I couldn't be falling for Jake; I would just fuck up our friendship. I needed to talk to Lucas, see in what foot was our relationship. If I didn’t love him, why couldn’t I just break up?
When I finally saw Lucas I was so nervous I thought I was going to faint.

Lucas saw me before I could call him. He excused himself from his friends and walked up to me. I swallowed hard. 'We need to talk.' He said. 
'I know.’ I took a deep breath ‘I was going to say the same thing.’
We walked to a place where there was no one. I didn't know who would start talking and I hope it was him with an apology. Jake had asked me what was wrong, but I didn't tell him and neither did Avery. Lucas sat on a bench and gestured for me to sit too. Did I come here to talk or tell him it was over? 'I'm so sorry for yesterday.' Lucas blurted.
 'Lucas, this time simply apologizing won't solve anything.' I calmly said. 
'Please just listen to what I have to say.' He said. 'I know apologizing isn’t enough, I was the biggest jerk yesterday to you. Everything was going perfect and I messed it up.' 
'Lucas.' I said but was interrupted. 
'Just listen.' He said. 'It's no excuse but I thought we were so connected that I wanted to show how much I loved you, and when you said you didn't want it I thought you didn't love me.' He took a deep breath. 'I never opened myself this way to anyone, and when I thought you didn't love me I got angry at myself for opening myself to you these past few months, but it was no excuse for forcing myself on you.' 
'Lucas, if you really loved me you would understand I didn’t want to do that.' I said. 
'I know’ He paused for a second ‘I wasn't really myself at the moment. I was so disgusted with myself that I couldn't even look myself at the mirror.' 
Could I really forgive him? I thought to myself. 
'Please give me another chance, no one gets me the way you do. You're always by my side even though I clearly have anger issues. Leila, you make me want to be a better person.' His eyes were filled with tears. Was he really crying? 
Maybe being with Lucas was for the best. I would learn to love him again. He said he loved me. Maybe I still loved him. Maybe he deserved another chance. I wasn't the best girlfriend either. I also made mistakes.
 'Everyone deserves a second chance right?' I said before I could think twice. 
 'Thank you so much Leila.' He said and gently kissed me. 'I'll make up for yesterday, I promise.' He said. 
As he hugged me tightly, I kept wondering if I was doing the right thing. I would give this another chance and see if I really did love him. If I realized I didn't and that he wouldn’t change, then I would break up with him. 
'You're still helping me with the community service event right?' He asked. The football team had a community service day at an orphanage and I had volunteered to help Lucas. 
'Yes, I am.' I said. I would have gone even if we had broken up.
 'I think us helping other people together will help us in our relationship.' He said. 'It's a way to focus on someone else and not just us.'
‘You’re right.’ I smiled. 
He leaned and kissed me, but I didn’t want to kiss him back. I didn’t know why. I just wanted to be alone for some time and figure out my feelings. Had I done the right thing to forgive Lucas and carry on with our relationship realizing I didn’t love him anymore? And after everything Avery had said. Did I not love him anymore? What were my feelings for Jake? I had so much in my mind. 
‘I need to go know.’ I said, pushing his face away from mine. 
‘Okay, do you want to have lunch with me today?’ He asked.
‘Can you sit at my table today?’ I asked. 
‘Okay, anything to make you happy princess.’ He smiled and got up, leaving me alone with my thoughts. 
I skipped today’s first class. I knew I wouldn’t be able to concentrate in class.
 Could I be falling for Jake? Why was my heart beating fast for him? Why was I blushing all the time around him? Jake hadn’t change the way he treated me. 
Well, even if I had feelings for him, I would just need to push them aside. If I made it clear in any way how I really felt about him, it could ruin our friendship. I just couldn’t handle losing Jake. Plus, I still needed to figure out what my feelings for Lucas were too. I knew I didn’t feel the way I used to, but how did I feel now? Why couldn’t I answer any of these questions? 
    Jake was waiting for me by my locker at break time. I smiled at him, but I think he figured something was wrong.
‘Are you okay?’ He asked. 
‘I’m fine, why?’ I asked. He could see me better than Lucas, I realized. 
‘Did something happen between you and Lucas?’ he put his hands on my shoulder.
I just hugged him and started crying. I couldn’t hold it back, the tears just came and didn’t stop.
‘Leila…’ Jake started to say, but I just hugged him tighter. I think he understood that I didn’t want to talk. I just wanted to cry in silence. We stayed that way for some time, Jake caressing my hair while I cried. After some time, I managed to stop. I wiped my eyes and cleared my throat.
‘Thank you.’ I said. Jake smiled and wiped a tear that was rolling down my cheek.

At lunch as promised, Lucas sat at my table. He was super nice with Jake and Avery. However, I can’t say the same for them. They didn’t treat him bad, but they did treat him coldly. Especially Avery, who knew about yesterday. Lucas was very sweet with me. Maybe giving him another chance wasn’t a mistake, even though I still didn’t forgive him. In truth, I was doing this mostly for my account than his. I needed to figure out what were my feelings for him, and staying with him was the only way to be sure.

The next day Lucas sat with his usual friends. Did he really think that sitting with me and my friends for one day would make it all better? As if he was doing me a favor! Although I must admit I was somewhat glad to be alone with Avery and Jake.  We were eating and laughing as usual when suddenly the person I least expected to see appeared next to our table. 
'Hey, is this seat taken?' Peter said with a dull smile. 
'No, it's all yours.' Jake said. As Peter sat down, Jake looked at me surprised. 
'So what brings you to our humble table?' Avery asked. 
'I just didn't want to sit alone, and your table seemed like the best option.' Peter explained. 
'Oh.' Avery said. Maybe she didn't realize that he ate alone every day. That is, the days when he showed up for lunch, because usually he would just skip it.
'Maybe I'll try the table with the guys full of laptops.' Peter said, attempting a joke. 
'Friday you can try the football team.' I said.
'Yeah, didn't you use to play?' Avery asked.
'Yeah, but I'm not that into it anymore.' He sighed.
The rest of lunch was us trying to include Peter in our conversations and Peter trying hard to not stay totally quiet. I think in the end it went alright. I guess we would find out tomorrow, if Peter sat with us again. 

Every day that passed it was clearer to me that I didn't want Lucas anymore and that I should have broken up with him. 
 He barely talked to me and when he did he was either too nice or too cold. I never knew what to expect anymore. Why was I trying so hard? It was clear I had few or none feelings for him. I was dragging this relationship on. Maybe an unconscious part of me was still waiting for the old Lucas, from when we first started dating. I needed to stop that. I decided to wait until after the community service day to decide if I would break up with him or not. Even though I knew what I was supposed to do. 

The next day we all smiled when Peter sat with us again. He tried making more jokes and talked more than yesterday. And of course, Jessica was also there. 
It had been a long time since I talked to Jessica. I needed some time alone with her, so she could tell me how Peter was at home. Even if he was trying to make friends it didn’t seem as if he felt less guilty or was even trying to move on. We were very careful to not talk about death, girlfriends, or anything that could make him remember Jessica. Although we knew by looking in his eyes he thought about her most of the time. His eyes showed pain at the same time that his smile faked joy. Well, at least he was trying. Maybe these were the first steps! No one brushes away pain and grief easily. 

‘We need to talk. The three of us.’ I said the minute I was alone with Jake and Jessica. 
‘I also think so.’ Jake nodded his head in agreement. ‘How is Peter at home, Jess?’ he asked. 
He called her by a nickname? When did that start? Probably in the months I was in “World Lucas”.
‘I don’t know.’ She said. ‘He seems happier, but in kind of a strange way.’ She said. 
‘What do you mean?’ I asked. 
‘Well, when he is with you guys he seems better. At home…he has been acting strange. Laughing alone and singing out loud, then he will just suddenly slump down and sleep or silently cry.’ She explained. ‘He smiles more when he is with his parents, but he doesn’t sing or laugh.’ 
‘He doesn’t sing or laugh here either.’ I said. 
‘I don’t know what is going on in his head.’ She said. ‘Although he does looks better than he was some months ago.’ 
The image of Peter’s cold body made me shiver. I was so scared that day, it seemed to have been ages ago! 
‘I’ll keep an eye on him.’ Jessica dimly smiled. ‘If something happens, I’ll tell you guys immediately.’

‘Are our lives supposed to be this complicated?’ Jake asked some seconds after she left.
‘I don’t think so.’ I sighed.