Without You

4.

Meredith couldn't sit still. If she sat still for too long then it sent her mind into overdrive and the overthinking would start. All she knew was that she needed this baby to be ok because she wasn't sure how she would cope if she lost this baby.

"Meredith Grey." Meredith's head shot up as she heard her name being called before she grabbed her bag and followed the nurse into the exam room. "Pop this gown on and the doctor will be in with you shortly."

"Thank you." Meredith smiled quickly before moving to change.

Once she was changed, she took a seat on the exam table and took a deep breath in, reaching up to grasp Derek's wedding ring tightly, that was hanging from her necklace.

"Meredith, hi." Doctor Deluca said quietly as she noticed Meredith had her eyes closed. "I'm Doctor Deluca."

"Hey." Meredith said softly as she smiled towards her. "Sorry, I'm just nervous, I just really need for this baby to be ok." Meredith said as she slowly started breathing faster and faster.

"Hey, it's alright." Carina said as she stepped next to Meredith. "Just take some deep breathes for me, do it with me." She started taking some deep breathes in and out, encouraging Meredith to do the same. "That's it."

"Thank you." Meredith smiled gratefully as he breathing finally started normalising. "I'm sorry, it's just I didn't think I'd be doing this alone..."

"Don't apologise." Carina reached out and squeezed Meredith's arm. "I know this is really difficult time for you and we are going to take this each step at a time, slow and easy, if you need a break at any point then just tell me."

"Ok, thank you." Meredith smiled and accepted the tissue from Carina as she moved to dry her eyes before lying down on the exam table.

Meredith closed her eyes and allowed Carina to do what she needed to do, completely blocking everything out. All she could to keep herself calm in this moment was to picture Derek's face, his smile, his eyes, anything she could to keep her from panicking.

"So here is your baby." At hearing this Meredith immediately opened her eyes and focused solidly on the sonogram screen. "See." Carina said as she traced her finger over the screen.

"Is everything...I mean..." Meredith said, tears pooling in her eyes as she continued to stare at their tiny, perfect little baby on the screen.

"Your baby is perfectly healthy." Carina smiled widely, watching as Meredith sighed in relief. "It looks like you are around 11 weeks."

"What?" Meredith asked in shock. "11 weeks?" She gasped, realising that if she had found out sooner then Derek would have found out about their baby. "I can't be...I mean..."

"Meredith, it's perfectly understandable that you are only just finding out, you've been through an incredibly stressful time, be kind to yourself." Carina said as she placed a comforting hand on top of Meredith's.

"But I had my period? I can't be that far along." Meredith said as she looked to Carina with wide eyes filled with fear.

"That was probably implantation bleeding." Carina said softly watching as Meredith was hit with a realisation.

"Oh my..." Meredith dropped her back and closed her eyes one again, taking deep breathes.

"I will print you some copies of your sonogram off." Carina said as she put everything away. "If you have any questions then you know where to find me, you're not alone. Take as long as you need."

"Thank you." Meredith smiled and nodded her head, accepting the pile of sonograms from Carina. Sitting up, she ran her finger over it gently, unable to keep the smile off of her face.

In a few short months, she would have their baby in her arms, she wanted to be excited but at the minute she was just filled with guilt. She hated that she failed to find out she was pregnant until it was too late, she knows Derek knowing wouldn't have stopped the drunk driver from running a red light and killing him but at least she would have been able to share the excitement of finding out with him.

"Meredith." Carolyn said as she walked into the room causing Meredith to look up at with confusion.

"Mom what are you doing here?" She asked as Carolyn walked over to her and brushed her hair behind her ear.

"Alex told me you had an appointment but he wasn't sure what time exactly so I headed over, I'm sorry that I missed it." Carolyn smiled lovingly at her. "You don't have to do this alone you know, I will be there with you, every step of the way."

"Would you like to meet your new grandchild?" Meredith said with a smile on her face, handing over the sonogram to Carolyn.

Her face immediately lit up and tears pooled in her eyes as she looked down lovingly at her new grandchild. Maybe this wasn't going to be as hard as Meredith thought because she isn't really alone, with Carolyn by her side she knew she can get through anything and be the best mother to their baby.