Without You

7.

As Meredith approached the end of pregnancy, her exercise ball became her best friend. Every minute she could spend on it, she would be on it.

"Mark, just move it to the left a little bit more." Meredith instructed as she continued bouncing away, watching as Mark was setting up the nursery.

"Meredith, I just moved it from there and then you told me to move it here." Mark sighed as he reached up and wiped the sweat off of his forehead.

"If you're not going to do it then I will do it myself." She placed her hands on her knees and moved to push herself up.

"I swear if you move off of that exercise ball I'm going to call Carolyn..." Mark threatened her as he watched Meredith's eyes go wide in shock.

"You wouldn't." Meredith stated but watched as he pulled his phone out of his pocket. "Fine, not moving." She crossed her arms over her chest and pouted.

"Thank you. Now did you want me to move it?" Mark asked as Meredith looked up at him with a smirk on her face.

"Just push to the left a bit more and it will be perfectly." Meredith smiled as she watched Mark move the draws over before looking up for her approval. "It's perfect." She smiled with tears shining in her eyes.

"Good." Mark couldn't help but smile at finally seeing a real and genuine smile back on Meredith's face. He had missed that. "I'm going head home, take a shower. You need me to get you anything? Any food cravings?"

"No, I'm ok." She turned and smiled up at him. "I'm perfect."

"Ring me if you need me." Mark leaned down and kissed the top of Meredith's head before turning out of the room. "See you later Big Grey."

"Bye Mark." Meredith laughed, she would never admit it but she loved that marks nickname for her had stuck around all these years. It reminded her of the good old days.

Pushing herself up, she placed her hands on her bump and made sure she had her balance before walking next door to her bedroom. The Moses basket was all set up and ready, just awaiting the arrival of her little boy.

Heading her set of draws, she picked up the photo, turning it over and smiling down at the photo. It was one she had taken of Derek when he had taken her fishing for the first time. He was facing the camera with a wide smile on his face and a sparkle in his ocean blue eyes and it would be the perfect addition to add to the nursery. He was so happy and full of life.

She would give anything to see that smile once again.

Running her finger over the photo gently, she moved out of her room and back to the nursery, moving over the set of draws before placing it down. It was just perfect.

"Meredith!" Carolyn shouted out loud as she entered the house.

"I'm in the nursery!" She shouted back before going to make herself comfortable in the rocking chair, picking up the teddy and holding it close to her chest.

"Wow, it looks..." Carolyn stepped into the room, allowing herself to take it all in as her eyes fell onto the photo of Derek. "Incredible in here." She turned and smiled softly at Meredith.

"Mark came over and finished it off for me." She smiled back as she rocked gently. "I wanted everything to be sorted for when little man arrives and now it means I can get all his clothes washed and cleaned. The house just feels dirty and I can't sit still because there is so much to do." Meredith stopped when she heard Carolyn laughing softly.

"You're officially in the nesting stage dear." Carolyn laughed as she watched the realisation wash over Meredith's face.

"I just want him to be here now." Her hands went to her bump as she looked down, smiling at the thought of holding her baby in her arms.

"It won't be long now, it goes quicker then you think, especially with your first." Carolyn nodded as she leaned on the door frame watching as Meredith yawned.

"I think I'm going to go for a nap." Meredith said as she attempted to push herself up with little success, smiling as Carolyn walked over and helped her up out of her seat. "This baby is sucking the life out of me."

"Carry on, I've got some things to sort that will keep me busy for the next few hours anyways."  Carolyn waved her hand and gave Meredith a gentle push towards her room.

Meredith stepped into her room and just stopped. Her body froze. For the first time it hit her that Derek's things were all in the last place he had left them, like he was going to walk through the door at any second. He was meant to come home to her.

Her thoughts was interrupted when she felt the gentle kicks delivered by her son, pulling out of her moment.

"Hey little man, don't worry I didn't forget about." She smiled as she felt another kick delivered. "You know, your daddy loves you so much and I know he wishes he was here. But it's just going to be me and you. Our own little team. Of course nana Carolyn will be there to spoil you every second, oh and auntie Amelia." She laughed as she felt the baby move round before settling down, only delivering soft and gentle kicks now.

Climbing into the bed, she cuddled in close to her pregnancy pillow before turning to face Derek's side of the bed. It would always be Derek's side of the bed and she didn't know if she would ever be able to sleep on it. Reaching over, she ran her hand over his pillow and down over the other side of the blanket.

One thing she promised herself was that she was going to be the best mother. Her son would never go without. He would have a birthday party every year, she would be at every school play and soccer game, she would never disappoint him.

"I miss you Derek." She whispered quietly as her eyes slowly drifted shut, her body no longer able to stand exhaustion.

Grief is a funny thing. Some days she can be on top of the world, feeling healed and happy but then the next day rolls round and it feels like everything around her is going to crumble. Like she is going to forget how to breathe but she knew she had to keep going. She had everything to look forward to and her little boy kept her going, he was the glue that was keeping her together and she was grateful that she would always have a piece of Derek right next to her for the rest of her life.