thoughts and feelings

...

i have no name for this poem but like all things its hard to name
i want you to feel everything you can with this
my mind is falling apart
2 more weeks and im out for summer
how exciting.
not really that means 2 months of staying in a house with "family"
yes i meant to put those quotation marks
the "family" i stay with are more like strangers that i live with
i know barely anything about them
and they only talk to me when they need something or just to annoy me
2 more weeks and im on the last year of highschool
i didnt think id make it this far
thought id be dead before my 15th birthday
now im 17 thinking wow i really thought this would get better
but since i met you you made me feel
alive.
yes alive the only thing ive been wanting to feel since i was young
you see the thing with my "family" is that they only know 2 things
competition and hate
they only know how to compete with eachother to see who has the better life, body, love life, kids
they only like to hate everything as well
they hate if you have the better life, they hate when you achieve something you worked so hard for thats why they belittle you
make you feel worthless
worthless, embarrassing, disappointing, unworthy, trash, disgusting
all these things and more is what theyve called me to my face and even behind it
they were supposed to be my family
but i guess they think they were too good to have me around
DES this
DES that
all they do is call on me when all i want to do is relax
im always on eggshells when im at home
never know when they might be in a bad mood or when i can leave my room or watch tv or even be on my phone
because god forbid that im on my phone for more than 5 minutes
thats why they put a phone curfew
yes, a phone curfew
7 30
i watch the clock making sure i talk to as many people as i can before the clock strikes 7 30
some dont even answer til 8 or even til 2 am
if im on for more than a second
yes, a second
if im in for more than a second then i get yelled at
i watch the door as the clock strikes 7 30 just to see him burst in yelling at me to get off
my phones not in my hand its on the dresser im reading a book
YOU BETTER BE OFF THAT FUCKING PHONE
is what i hear as i continue reading not making eye contact
all i do is nod he stares and stays for a while then leaves to go politely tell my sisters
why me?
why do i get treated differently just because i have a different dad
yes the one who yells at me isnt my real father
he is my step-father
they swear like im not treated different but i am
even if it doesnt look like i am