meant to be yours | d.w

47

"It matters not how straight the gate, how charged with punishments the scroll. I am the master of my fate: I am the captain of my soul"

Kristina Evans

1946

I never liked bright eyes. I've got rigged eyes. Eyes that see past the soul, eyes that sag with a loss of consolation. Yeah, I was the bright eyed girl at some point. I was the happiest fucking girl you ever saw.

My eyes were bug eyed that morning. The circles looked so over the top, I would have assumed they were drawn on. Hangover always got the best of me, no matter how hard I tried to get used to it. I could feel my throat wanting to belch out the last thing I ate, which must have been days ago.

Mom's gonna throw a fit. She always does, nagging when my eyes look duller than her own interior decorating. The routine was the same every time. She would hold my cheeks, checking intently to see what was the matter. I would shrug, tell her I got no sleep. Marie would be glowering at me only slightly, it was so subtle it was practically impossible to tell.

I think all along, she didn't want to admit to having a daughter who was on the loose. I played the part perfectly when she wanted me to. I went to country club on Saturday afternoons, only to return to the life I lived every night. The nights where I let all hell break lose.

In the end, I blame Nico.

Nico was a white man who wanted to be an Indian. He would dress up, try to copy their mannerisms, he always tried to be someone he wasn't. Attempting to braid his matted hair so he felt like less of a reject to society. Like he could relate to a group he would never belong in. It was all quite fucking weird if you ask me. When you're born how you are, you stick with what you've got. You look like a damn fool trying to act like a whole other group.

But despite how unsettling as a whole Nico was, he allowed me to enter me into a melancholic atmosphere that easily unsettled me, but at the same time, I felt right at home.

I remember the night where everything changed. For if I hadn't met him, my life would have indefinitely been different.

I made my escapade down the drainpipe towards the concrete ground, watching the lights begin to flicker from my parents bedroom. Marie's light was still on, but I knew it wouldn't be on for long. You see, we all knew Marie was never the hot shot that could make it. She was groomed for a husband, groomed to be the type to settle down.

For the duration of the year, she was planning on going to a community college right near home as she waited patiently for her knight in shining armor. I could never see why she wanted all that shit, but over time I accepted it. I just remember wishing she didn't have to be such a priss all the time.

You see, Nico always knew spots where nobody could find us. They felt so hidden, I almost could feel an urge to lose all feeling as I sucked in the atmosphere around me.

I walked in to the house, clouded with smoke. Seeing the few lumps of people lined along the room like beer cans about to be used for shooting practice, I felt this natural girl in me. The girl who has no filter at the end of the day.

The rows of people felt annihilating. Like they were all props in this slideshow I couldn't erase. I wandered about, looking to see where the hell Nico was with his supply, when I met him.

Sauntering into a room, I saw him lighting a joint, hunched over a chair as he lit it with such little concentration, for his entire persona was very lax. I felt myself drawn to him in that room full of nobodies and this man.

I knew he could give me something I wanted. For despite his ragged clothes, he had answers of some sort. He had the keys to a world that I was determined to explore. Smirking to myself, I made my way towards him.