meant to be yours | d.w

57

"Love, lay me down under grass and sunlight, and touch me (right here) and here and here, where the ache and hurt have gone to nest"

Kristina Davis

1952

It's always easy to turn your back on people who never meant as much as you thought they did.

In no way am I saying Eleanor meant nothing to me, but I wish I made her mean more. I can't count how many times I wish I turned that car around to go back and get her. She should have been there, with me. For I left the woman who understood me the most, and all because I was scared. But let's start back from where we left off.

I don't think I'm prepared for Oklahoma at all. But I have to be close to her. My daughter. People don't realize that just because I wasn't ready for a baby, it doesn't mean I don't want to be near her to make sure she's okay. I can't just turn my back on her forever. She deserves to be taken care of and have a good life. I'll always be sorry I couldn't give that to her. I was just afraid. Too much of a coward.

Am I an asshole for leaving her with her father, most likely? Definitely. I think I'll always secretly hate myself for leaving both my daughter and Eleanor. But I just wasn't ready. Having a baby terrified me, and being in love with a woman was even scarier.

I didn't even say goodbye to Levi. How do you tell your best friend that you've secretly had a baby this entire time? Will he view me as a traitor? "Maybe I'll write to him." I thought to myself. Yes, that's what I'll do. I'll write to him.

At the moment, I was in my car, getting away from San Francisco as soon as possible. I needed to leave immediately cause I feared my mind changing if I didn't. I needed to get out to fix my mistake. I know I can never be a real mother for my daughter, she deserves better than what I've done for her. However, if I can go get a degree and get some money, I can give it to her. I know her father won't do much for her. So now it's time for me to step up and at least try to fix the problem I abandoned years ago.

I wonder how old she is now. She's gotta be three, right?

A part of me was in fear for the future. What was to become of me? What if I ended up living on the streets? I have hardly any money and I planned this horribly. I suppose nothing can truly stop our morality. At least, for all those that care.

My inner conscience was tearing me to pieces. I had to leave or else my heart might burst. And maybe this makes me the bad guy. I'm a girl whose never done it right. Marie (or as I called her, Suzy) always had everything figured out. She was practically America's dream and I could just never get it right. It were as if I were tainted by Cain, with his own conscience persuading me as Marie remained Abel. As innocent as a lamb.

Though I don't think she was as harmless as everyone thought she was. I sure did underestimate her as a kid. Cause when she came into my room that one day before I left, where she claimed to know my secret, I knew Marie was a tough cookie at heart.

I'm running away as of right now, and I know I'm always going to regret leaving her, but I can't go on like this. Running away from my daughter, knowing where she is, yet never bothering to help her. I know I'm a shitty excuse for a mother, you don't have to tell me twice. But I want to try. I want to at least help her.

So in order to do that, I'm finally going to college. Right here in Oklahoma, you guessed it. I need somewhere close to her, somewhere where I can keep an eye on her, watch her grow, and send her caretakers some money. After doing a little spying of my own, I noticed she has a few brothers. Brothers who are most likely looking after her.

I know that moving here means I'll have to erase a part of myself. Maybe even pretend to be an entirely different person. But what choice do I have? I know what they do to homo folks around here, why would I wanna take that risk?