3:00AM

i dont know

I don't know how I got here. At first, I was just tired. I wasn't sleeping nearly as well, and some days it was harder to smile than others, but I didn't think much of it. I still would say that I was happy, most of the time. But slowly, things started getting worse, but I didn't want to admit that thing were falling apart to myself or other people. So I ignored it. I pushed all the negative thoughts and feelings down to where I thought they weren't affecting me. But they were. Then, without me even realizing it, things were adding to one another and building on top of each other, and it go to the point where I couldn't push it all away anymore. I couldn't say I was actually happy anymore. That's where I am now. And everyday it's getting worse. I can almost always fake a smile and a laugh, people still think of me as the a happy, optimistic person. Most days, I can pull off being the positive person everyone thinks of me as. Most days. But it's getting harder and harder. And there are days where I literally just can't, where I can't do anything. I lay in bed and do absolutely nothing. I feel numb and empty all the time some days it's too much and I just don't have the energy to try and pretend like I'm not hurting on the inside. I don't eat anything all day because I feel physically sick and I just feel like I can't eat anything no matter how hungry I am. I feel so defeated and have no motivation whatsoever. And some days, I just can't manage to fake it. At first, it wasn't that hard to pretend like I was okay. I only had very few days where I felt so done. But now, those days are happening more and more. And I don't know what to do. Sometimes I'm worried that maybe I'm just faking it all for attention or being overly dramatic. I get mad at myself for being so lazy and unproductive. I'm told all the time how I need to try harder and how I'm always doing the bare minimum. I start to believe that. I start telling myself I need to try harder and do more even though I know I can't. In actuality, I can try to accomplish that, but in the end I'll only burn myself out even more. I just can't keep going, and I know that. But the problem is, no one else knows that. No one else knows how hard I'm trying, how much I'm struggling. So every time I hear "you're so lazy," or "you never do anything right," it hurts. It hurts really, really badly. But I don't know how to say that I am trying, I really am. But when I hear all of those things, I start to wonder what's wrong with me. What am I doing wrong? How come all I ever do is mess up? Do even people really care about me? I tell myself I need to strive to be enough, but I know that I won't ever be enough for anyone. Not even myself. And I absolutely hate it, but I know it's the truth. I can push myself as hard as I want, I can work to achieve my countless impossible goals, I can try to please everyone, but in the end, the only thing I'm actually accomplishing is hurting myself more. I will still hear how I need to be better and that I'm not enough no matter how much I try or what I do, so what's the point of trying in the first place? I still tell myself I'm worthless and unwanted. Because I don't understand how I could be worth something or wanted by anyone. I just don't. I'm so messed up. I'm tired of the anxiety and the stress and always having to fake everything. I can't cry until I'm by myself, I can't actually say what's going on inside my head. I'm so, so, so sick of it. I don't even know what happened to me or I how I got here. My mental health is an absolute mess. And all I want is to feel happy again. To feel like myself again, but I don't know if I ever will. I keep waiting for things to get better, but instead everything is getting worse and worse. It's so bad, and I'm terrified. Am I stuck like this? Am I going to feel this way forever? Everything is affecting me so much and I hate it. I hate how I feel all the time, and if I'm being completely honest, I hate myself. I hate the mistakes I make, and how I can't ever do anything right. I am so done. I'm so done with trying and acting happy when really I just want to break down and give up. I want to so badly. I feel like I'm watching myself from an outside point of view. It's like realizing everything that is happening is is only a bad dream. But you can't wake yourself up. No matter how hard you try. It doesn't matter how hard your sobbing or how defeated you feel, you're stuck. You're trapped, and there's nothing you can do about it. It's such a helpless feeling. Your mind is torturing you all the time, and you can't stop it. You try to fight it, you try to resist it, but you can't keep trying forever. Eventually, you give in, because you can only fight for so long. You can ignore it, you can push it away, you can do whatever, but it doesn't matter. Nothing I do matters. No one understands about the battles going on inside my mind, but if they did, maybe there would finally be sympathy. Maybe they would understand the tears and the sleepless nights and bleeding lips and fingers. My feelings and thoughts and emotions might become valid for once in my life. Or maybe I would realize I actually am crazy, dramatic, and faking it all. But I swear all I want - all I need - is for someone to look me in my tear filled eyes and wrap my trembling body in their arms. For them to whisper into my ears, "It's okay. You're okay. You are more than you're anxiety and mistakes and insecurities. You aren't crazy, you're feelings are completely reasonable. You are enough. You can stop trying so hard, you can rest. It's okay. You're going to be okay." That's all. For people to recognize that I'm trying my best, but everything is so insanely hard. I've been fighting for a long time, but I'm so done. This year has been a lot, too much, and I can't keep going. I'm giving in, I'm giving up. My breaking point is so near. My mental health is starting to affect me physically. So let this be a warning to you all: It's gotten bad, and I mean bad. And I've tried telling you, but you didn't listen. So I've kept it all hidden inside, and as a result to that, here I am. I've changed a lot. I've gone through a whole freaking war inside my head and you never even knew, because I managed to keep a smile on my face the entire time. I'm not that positive, carefree girl I used to be. No, because I've been forced to change. I went through one of the hardest, toughest things I've ever been through all on my own. I'm stronger than I used to be. I needed you're help, but I didn't have it. So now, this is me. And I'm sorry if I'm always a disappointment, that I can't be enough for you. I'm not enough for me either. But I hope one day, you can be proud of me and how hard I've tried. I hope I can be proud of myself. I've tried so extremely hard, for you and for me. But I'm sorry.....

.....this isn't who I wanted to become, either.