3:00AM

no such thing as self love

i can't help but wonder how anyone could ever love me. all of me. because if we're being honest, i hardly ever love myself. i can't possibly understand why anyone would ever choose to love me. maybe it's easy to love parts of me. maybe because i seem happy and positive all the time, people think that's who i am. it's probably easy to love someone who will do anything to make sure you're happy, who won't disagree or argue with anything you say because she hates conflict and negativity of any kind. that's her problem- she puts everyone before herself because she doesn't want anyone to be unhappy with her. that's my problem. you could probably kill me on the inside with the things you do and say, but i won't call you out on it because i don't want you to be angry with me. i won't allow my real emotions and actual feelings to come out until i'm alone in my bedroom where no one can see me sobbing and shaking. everyone knows and learns to love the fake me - the happy, smiling, bubbly me - but not the real, anxious, broken me. that's who i really am. a mess. a disaster. a monster. it's easy to leave the carefree, positive girl, but what about the girl who wants to break down and give up every single day of her life? who can't even love herself? can you love her, too? probably not. that's why i've learned to hide that me. to push it away until i'm all alone. to put the mask on everyday. it's okay if you can't love the real me. it's hard, i know. i don't blame you for not loving the messed up, true me. i don't love her, either.