THE DARE | BWWM 18+ (editing)

xxii - strangers again

I R I S

___________________

I watched us crumble in front of me a mere two weeks ago. I've wished every night since that it wasn't real. That it was all a crazy dream and that I was going to wake up soon. But I was wide awake and this is real life.

The last two weeks have been a blur. From replaying our argument in my head to reminiscing in those moments we shared before it all came crashing down. My head hadn't stopped spinning. My heart hasn't stopped hurting and I haven't stopped feeling numb.

How could it all end so easily? How could we go from sharing one mind to being two people coexisting on a planet with fading memories being the only reminder of what once was?

I've always been okay with being alone, but that was before him. He gave me hope. Hope for something real. Something I hadn't had in so long because I've met heartbreak before, and I would rather not dance with it again. But it wasn't up to me. It wasn't up to me at all.

Because even though I tried forgetting him since that night at the club, that night when I was given the dare, my brain wouldn't let me. And quite frankly, I blame my heart for all of this. The one time I let my heart lead the way, I get crushed like a bug on a windshield.

Even though I run away from it as much as I can, I am a hopeless romantic. So when he gave me hope, I was like a moth drawn to a flame. His words, his mind, his touch.

Everything about him fueled the fire that died in me when I was a teenager, and he lit me again. He made me feel again, and just like anything in life, the good came with the bad. I went from bliss to gloom within the blink of an eye.

The sad part is that I would've understood. I would've accepted his daughter with open arms because I cared for him. Way too much than I had realized. Way too deep. So deep that he became embedded in my DNA.

I was falling in love with him.

IF I wasn't already in love with him.

That's a scary thing to have to admit to yourself. Especially when the person is now a shell of a memory. A shadow. That followed me everywhere I went.

I still have every flower he ever gave me. His jacket. The receipts from every date we've ever been on. He doesn't know this, but I always asked the hostess for an extra copy because I wanted the souvenir. When we were still us, I'd look at them and replay our journey in my head. But now they're sitting in a box in the corner of my room. Taunting me. Reminding me of what I'd lost. Reminding me of what I long for again.

It's moments like these I think of Kyle. Kyle thought he broke me, but Kyle barely scratched my surface. He didn't just break me. He shattered me into a trillion little pieces and took the most vital part of me with him. He took my heart with him and I'm not sure that I want it back.

Even though he is gone, I can still feel him. His smell lingering in my apartment. His laughter echoing in my head. His touch is imprinted into my skin. No matter how many I shower and scrub my body until my skin becomes pruney, he is still there.

My mind wasn't helping me either because I would dream of him, but not wet dreams. Wholesome ones. The kinds of dreams that you let yourself believe are real, only to be woken up to a cold room and meet loneliness.

I can still feel him watching me, even though we're nothing but strangers again.

L E O N A R D O

_________________________

I've been watching her.

How could I not? She's everywhere.

Her bag from the night she left it at the club. Her panties I stuffed in my pockets every now and then. Her necklace that I now carry in my wallet everywhere I go.

Her smell is embedded in my sheets. In the literal sense, she smells like jasmine at times. Sometimes vanilla. Other times, flowers. But in the figurative sense, what she smelled like to me was home. She became my home and now it feels like a storm is coming down on me and she's not there to keep me warm.

Her smile is like a picture that is plastered on my brain. I can't even think without making a comparison to her. I'm ruined. She ruined me. Because it feels like I can't breathe knowing that she's only minutes away, yet so far from me.

How do I make it stop?

Everything hurts. Everything burns. Every single thing feels fucking pointless without her.

I was falling in love with her.

IF I wasn't already in love with her.

And that scares me. It scares me like hell because I pushed her away. The more time that passes, the more I come to realize that I don't care about the stupid fucking dare because it brought her to me. It brought her into my life. Everything I never knew I needed. Her. So perfect for me. My lifeline. And I'm dying without her.

Lurking in the dark to make sure that she was home safe before meeting her in my dreams at night.

Waking up early and parking in front of her apartment to get a glimpse of her before she went to work.

Sneaking into her kitchen to make sure that she was eating. She was, but not much. Not enough. It's taking everything in me to not cook for her. Or send a whole ten-course meal to her house. But I can't blame her. I haven't been eating much either.

Is this what it's supposed to feel like? To be at the mercy of a woman? To have her tear your entire world apart with her absence?

Safe to say that Maria couldn't hold a candle to her, because I threw a fucking party when Maria left. But her? She broke me. She tore down the walls I had caging my heart, and like a thief in the night, she stole the very thing that kept me alive. Except she didn't just steal my heart, she became it. And when she walked out of my life, I stopped living. I stopped breathing.

I need her. To breathe life into me again. I was different with her. Carefree. Happy. The same way I was with my mother before she died.

Healing. She helped me heal from carrying the guilt of being the reason why my mother died.

I made a deal with the universe. If someone could care for me as deeply and purely as my mother cared for me, then I would let the guilt go. Because it would signify forgiveness. The universe would forgive me for being a coward and letting my mother die by rewarding me with tender care.

Maria wasn't it. Maria cared, but not like my mother did. Maria is dust compared to my mother. But her. She reminds me so much of my mother. Her tenderness. Her pure heart. Her kindness. Her delicacy. She's so delicate. So perfect. And I watched her leave me. The same way I watched my mother leave me too.

Maybe she was just part of my punishment. Or a reminder that I didn't deserve anything good in this life. I got a taste of what it'd be like to truly live for a little, then the universe ripped it all away. And all that's left now is bitterness.

I don't know how to accept it, but I'm going to have to. No matter how badly I don't want to.

Even though I keep watching her, we're nothing but strangers again.