THE DARE | BWWM 18+ (editing)

xlviii - drowning in loneliness

TW: MENTAL HEALTH ISSUES
SUICIDE ATTEMPT,
SELF-HARM

Seriously y'all, very triggering chapter
so please be careful!

I R I S

___________________

It's not getting any better.

I'm not feeling any better.

Everyone says I will start being happy again, but when is that going to happen?

The more time that passes, the more I miss him and each second is more brutal than the last.

Nights are colder without him. The sun doesn't feel as warm, and my blood feels like it's turning into acid and it's burning me from the inside out.

I miss him.

I miss him more than I could ever put in words and I don't know how to move on without him.

I haven't had the strength to get out of bed, and I don't know when I will even have the strength to eat or get a full night's sleep.

Losing him is painful.

My mom has helped a little because every time I go to see her, she holds me and just listens to me talk. It distracts from the pain for a little bit but the second I leave, I feel it all again.

***

So I've been ... hurting myself.

Cutting helps the pain because I don't have to focus on my emotions as much. I know it's not necessarily healthy, but that's what helps me when I get so low.

I also feel like I deserve to suffer too because if Leo didn't have to come to save me, then he would still be alive. He would still be here to be a good son to his father, and he would still be here to tuck his daughter in at night.

I've done this before so I am an expert on it. No one suspects anything because I use makeup and big clothes to hide my scars. Plus who's going to check my thighs? That's sexual assault and sexual harassment.

After a long night of wishing that Leo could come back and save me from all of this, I decided to get up and make Bella some food.

She has a maid and a nanny, but I love being with her so she feels an actual human connection. I don't want her to be one of those kids who grow up and didn't experience parental love because of my own grieving.

As I'm making the food, Luciano brings her down and his face shows a glimpse of a smile when he sees me downstairs. "Hey figlia,'" he greets me and puts Bella down.

"Hi," I quickly say and get back to the food. I can't even bear to look at Luciano because his whole demeanor reminds me of Leo.

"You look better," he says and I make a face. I know what he means. For the first time since Leo's death, I am hiding the eye bags and the tiredness on my face with makeup. "I didn't mean it that way," he quickly says and I smile.

"I know. Hi sweetie," I try to smile for Bella who's standing by my legs. I pick her up and sit her down on the kitchen counter.

"Hi mama," she replies and she gives me a hug. I feel like she can sense my sadness sometimes but she can't understand it because she's so young.

"Mac and cheese? Or mashed potatoes?" I ask her even though I made both. Cooking distracts me.

"Either one is fine. And cake please," she chips up and she starts swinging her feet from the counter.