seraphic [h.s]

chapter fifty two.

Mae,

You know, I couldn't help but smile that time at the coffee shop when I saw you. I smiled because the lady who called your order had said 'Mae'. Which, in my head, meant that you still went by that name, and that was at least some way you'd remember me by. Did you think of it that way? I'd like to think so. Then again, you could have just liked the name.

I want to tell you about what I've embarked upon in our time apart, but I also don't want you to think I'm a dick just talking about myself. I know you wouldn't think that. I know I want to fill you in on the gaps you have of who I was to who I now am, so maybe think of it that way? Like I'm just filling in those gaps to our story.

One would think that, maybe, I happened upon some major thing that came to be my downfall and I have been unable to get out of that rut since. But that didn't really happen. No, it wasn't like that. It was less compelling than that, more mundane maybe.

But here it is, I'm about to tell you what happened in our time apart that was the dealbreaker for me, what made me learn and realise and understand the simplicity of what life is.

Here it is, are you ready? I'm going to pretend that I just heard you say 'Yes! I give you the permission to go forth!', and of course if you ask anything of me I will willingly do it, so here goes.

Nothing— that is what happened.

And if you're thinking 'Geez, Harry, my heart breaks for you that nothing bad has happened to you. That you sail through life so breezily', not that I think you would actually say that, but still. Sometimes I think that about myself, sometimes it's easy to.

So let me explain what I mean. And if I get carried away, know that I'll get to this explanation eventually. Sometimes I just write and write and forget that there is a real reason as to why I am saying all of this.

Anyway... getting back on track already.

Thinking back, the time between leaving for Europe and being with the band feels like a bad dream. It felt like I was the glue to broken people, and what I hadn't realised was that the glue was expired. Everything was crumbling around me and piece by piece I tried to keep it together, wondering why not even that was working.

I knew that I was the glue between them, but what I didn't know was that I was expired glue. Meaning my actions would be of no use, I could try and try and try to mend the people around me, mend the situations unfolding, but none of that would be of interest to them when they didn't see the wrong in what they were doing. They didn't want my help. They never asked for it. They didn't want help in general. They were who they were.

In that moment of realisation, I thought about you.

I thought about how you were very much the glue to your own family. I thought about how even though they got on every one of your last nerves, you still tried to be present. You were still there. I wondered how you did that when all they did was let you down? They weren't aware of their actions, of their dismissal of you. Yet at the end of the day you were still there.

Amongst that realisation, I had another.

You are too good for your own family, that was what I realised. You. As in, you, Mae. You are too good for them. And I'm not sure what the current situation is, I'm not sure how all of that has panned out for you. I'm not sure if I'm even allowed to know.

But from person (me) to person (you), I want you to know that you could do great things without them. I know they're family, I know that title means a lot, but who are you to have to carry every one of their problems? Who are you to have to be the person who feels the brunt of their hate all the time?