NINE

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PRESENT TIME, A DAY LATER, IN THE LATE EVENING, AT HOME, IN BED, ALONE, CRYING (AS ALWAYS)

PRESENT TIME, A DAY LATER, IN THE LATE EVENING, AT HOME, IN BED, ALONE, CRYING (AS ALWAYS)

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L O U I S


I sit on the bathroom floor in my own blood.

I want to kill myself.

Why do I even live anymore?

I am nothing anymore.

I only want to be with the love of my life.

I don't need anyone right now. The only one I need is the love of my life and he's the one who's not with me.

I have to come and see him.

I hold the piece of glass in my fist, tightly.

I could just kill myself.

Not just hurt myself, kill myself.

End my life.

End the pain.

End the sadness.

End the anxienty inside of me.

End the loneliness.

I could be with the love of my life again.

It's the only thing I want.

I want to see my Hazza again. To have him with me, next to me. To hug him, touch him, kiss him. To laugh with him, to smile with him, to be happy with him.

I don't feel any happiness since he left this world.

I could feel it again when I see him again in heaven.

I just don't know if I am ready for heaven yet.

If I am ready for death.

It's my decision if I die now or in sixty years.

I am able to decide.

The love of my life wasn't able to.

It's so indescribable unfair.

„Hazza, I want to visit you. Do you think I should do that? Do you want me to come and see you or is it the wrong decision? There will be no turning back when I kill myself. Can you hear me? Can you help me? Can you answer me? Please? I love you, okay? I hope you keep that in your mind forever. I love you always and forever, just like you will be by my side always and forever and love me always and forever too. You are the only one for me. You are my anchor. I will wait for you to answer. You are always on my mind, Haz. Always and forever."

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