I was 16.
I had a friend that looked exactly like me that I hated to meet. I wished that she never existed but unfortunately she was right beside me, always. She was overwhelming and most of the days I'd break down because of her and at the same time get scared because her darkness was something I wouldn't want to look twice at.
After years of making my life difficult. Making it hard for me in social gathering where people weren't able to hear or even see me. After years of blocking my way and taking the good part of me and would scream at me for not being good enough. After years of feeding me with lies that there was something missing in my life. After years of making me feel worthless and that I can never achieve anything or be better in any way. After years of making people believe that I was just being arrogant and rude. I fell into my knees. I wish. I wish they knew how hard it was. How much energy it has drained from me. How I wish that they'll be in my shoe just for a minute to feel what am feeling. I cried .
"I can't bear this pain anymore" my heart yelped out for help.
This isn't me, something was definitely not okay.
After several mental breakdowns I caved in.
I wanted to get to know her. I wanted to get to know the real reasons as to my she's been making my life a living hell. It was scary because despite of me trying to get close, she pushed me away and made things more difficult.
I didn't give up. I wanted to fight for myself. I wanted to fight for my heart and peace of mind. I wanted to fight for my present self. My future and even my past that deserved nothing but happiness. I wanted my past to look at me and say the words that I've never heard anyone tell me
"I'm proud of you "
I knew I had a long way to go but this time there was no turning back.
I was 16
And just like any other teen out there I deserved to be at peace and enjoy.
I had lots of questions on my mind like was I the problem? Is it my fault that I kept my feeling bottled up? Is it my fault that I have been feeling sad and alone? Is it my fault that I had no one to talk to and the only friend i had was my diary ?
Definitely not. Anyway eventually I got to know this friend. It was depression & anxiety.
But why me?
I decided to seek help,talked to a friend about it but she never understood. At times she'd look me straight in the eyes and say
"Kelly,I think you losing it"
Am I really going crazy by sharing what I was feeling? She made it worse. I then decided to keep everything to myself and wait till I meet the right person to talk to.
I joined university and I'd hear people talk about depression openly and for the first time in my whole life I felt I wasn't alone. Somehow it gave me a sense of self worth but still I yearned for someone to talk to or better yet a shoulder to lean on because sometimes I'd hit rock bottom and it'd get worse.
After months,I got connected to a psychiatrist that I'd go to therapy sessions 3 days in a week.
At first it kinda felt awkward because I had kept this issue for years and even felt ashamed. But with time I found the courage to talk to him even about the deepest and most scariest of things. I cant even say am lucky, I was blessed to have met such an understanding and an amazing doctor. He never judged me or made fun of how I was feeling.
Currently am on anti-depressants and still go for sessions
Not gonna lie,sometimes am scared that depression will come creeping back but part of has already learnt to live with it. Am no longer ashamed.
This one time doctor Mark asked me to sum up my whole experience with a sentence and I remembered this one quote by Jean De La Fontaine that has been my favourite since day one
" Sadness flies away on the wings of time.”
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Thank you so much for reading
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