The Light That Rid My Darkness

twenty nine

The essence of morning lit up our room with its yellow bright color. I was somehow laying on top of Mah's body. I moved my head closer to his heart.  He was breathing perfectly fine.

Relief rushed throughout my body  as I felt his chest rise, his heart beat's rhythm sounding equitable to my ears.

I did this every morning for the last two weeks. It was the end of May.

I moved off of the top of him and lay back down  next  to him. Resting my arm over his chest  and hugging him as he slept. His arms moved  to wrap around my body as he felt me move towards him.

"Good morning." I whispered quietly. A sharp pain hit me in the back of my throat when I spoke for the first time.

His reply was a groan and he rubbed my shoulder and his eyes remained closed. He still held me tight, even in his sleep. He knew I was there, and that's all that mattered to me.

Mah would sleep far longer than me now on most days. And whenever  he  didn't he would act like it'd been his normal routine of waking up earlier than me in the mornings. When, in reality, it wasn't. At least not anymore. I pushed this contemplation aside by kissing Mah's bare chest. This made me feel more at comfort.

We lie there peacefully for about another hour. I went on and off with sleep. Shutting my eyes and moving my nose towards that sweet peppermint smell of his every few minutes.

Being here with him felt like a fantasy, and fortunately it was a reality. Which made me feel even more better.

My stomach growled which somehow made Mah open his eyes suddenly.

"Pretty girl hungry?" He kissed me on the forehead as he made this humorous morning greeting.

"Idiot..." I chuckled. "IHop?"

"Yeah. Just need to shower first."

"I'll go first."

I stood from the bed,  sprawled my arms, and let out a wide yawn. Looking down at my body I wore Pink underwear and a huge white T-shirt.

Mah gazed at me with admiration as I did so. A little bit of too much admiration, if I were to say so.

I looked at him and rose my eyebrows as he continued to stare at me. He licked his lips and his mouth formed into a smirk. His head went down as if to stop himself. But his eyes still moved back up to me secretly,  to gaze a little more.

"What?" I tilted my head.

"Can't get enough of you."

"Huh?" I laughed in puzzlement.

He stood from the bed as well and walked over to me. He approached me closely. Not even a inch was between us. He pushed a strand of my  hair behind my ear. My tangled, messy hair. I moved my eyes towards him. His full, brown lips once again formed into a smile. He was so happy today. For what reason, I didn't know why. But I didn't at all mind knowing this.

"You're happy. I love that."

"Are you happy?"

"Does..." I paused and thought for a few seconds.  "Does it really matter?"

"If Lah's not happy, then I'm not."

At the moment I didn't feel like talking about my feelings. It didn't matter how I felt. This was Mah's world. And I was living in it. I looked around the room as I thought of a topic that could push this subject aside.

Ignoring this conversation would really bring me less bemusement. This was because I didn't truly know whether or not I was happy. Being with Mah made me happy. It really did. In fact, it was beyond happiness when I was with him.

But those moments when I would be  alone or when I'd get frightened because of Mah's risky health conditions; those moments are when that happiness was longer existent.

The same feelings I would have before I met Mah would find their way floating right back to me. I shook my head from side to side to try to actually stop thinking about this.

"Hey! What are you doing?!" Mah grabbed my shoulders, causing me to stop.

"I'm...sorry. We should get ready." I grabbed his face with the palms of my hands. His beauty was shining on this early morning as it always did. I rose on my toes to give him a kiss on the lips. He grabbed my waist and kissed me back. I pulled back. "I...need more clothes! Actual clothes. Not that baggy shit you make me wear." I chuckled.

Of course I'd brought a few sets of clothes at the store. But not enough to last forever.

"We'll go to the store then too. We need groceries. You're not off the hook, though.  I ain't forget. But we'll talk about it later, because you're hungry." He looked me up and down closely. 

I nodded my head and began to walk out of the room. He grasped my wrist before I could get too  far away from him. I turned my head towards him. He bit his lip as if he were hesitant about something he wanted to say.

"I love you." The words flew out of his mouth gently.  But I knew this wasn't what he was hesitant about. What was it, I wonder.

"I love you more."