The Light That Rid My Darkness

twelve

Cigs and Pancakes

There was a knock at my apartment door. At 2am in the morning. Who the hell was this and why were they here of all places. Why were they even up. Well, I was up too so I couldn't be talking.

It had been a good 2 weeks since the last time I'd been on the phone with Mah at the bookstore. And over those weeks we still did the same thing. Sometimes talking on the phone up until the sun arose. Him popping up to see me at random places, which I had know idea how he'd always found me. But he would end up leaving not short after. Or just us having long, dumbass conversations over text.

But he never did tell me who was calling his name. He never did really tell me anything serious about himself. Only that one night we talked.

I walked over to the door. Feeling the cool air even before I opened it. This was because I was wearing a black tank top with black and white sleeping shorts.

Opening the door Mah stood there. Looking like he was barely a fucking human. His arm rested on the outside of the door and he childishly had a tight lipped smile on his face. His eyes were red and he looked really happy. The fucker was high.

He kissed my lips and laughed like a little boy. Leaning in my apartment he looked around with tight eyes. Then made his way inside.

"Mah..." I stood with both hands on my hips. Like someone's mother. "What's going on?"

"I missed you." He whined and his voice dragged. The words slurring as they came out of his mouth. "Come here." He laughed and beckoned his hand at me.

"Kimahni..." I was serious. Nothing was funny right now.

"Zilah..." He responded back, trying to sound like me. His high pitched voice was so ass it almost made me laugh a bit.

I still stood apart from him and his stance was so unsteady. He swayed over to me. Giving me big lazy hug. Towering over my body and almost knocking me over. I of course wrapped my hands around him back.

Then he moved , basically wobbling over to the couch that was let out and made into a bed as he hugged me. Before I knew it he fell on the bed with me still in his arms. He was on top of me now.

He body language was so tired. He lay his head on my chest for a few minutes. I was sure he was out of it.

Then he lifted my head. Looking into my eyes with his red ones, he looked so sad and happy at the same time. It made me feel the exact same way seeing him like this. He was smiling too. I smiled back just seeing the expression on his face.

He leaned down to kiss me a few times, his tongue swirling around in my mouth when we did. He tasted like alcohol right now.

I didn't want to imagine what he'd been out doing. Was he fucking other girls? Or interested in someone else? Was he just here again to stay somewhere because this was the closest place he could find? I felt like a fool right now.

Then he started kissing my neck. His teeth dug into my skin and mouth sucked on it sloppily. I gripped the sheets on the bed from the small throbbing between my legs just from his small actions.

He laughed for no reason and lifted up. Throwing his body over onto his back so he was laying down beside me now.

"Lah, I like you too much."

"I know. And I still can't believe you do." Because why would he.

He didn't respond. I looked over to see his body resting so peacefully. Chest rising up and down underneath his dark blue Levi's hoodie. The only thing I could think to do was move close to him. So I did, and rested my head on his chest. Falling asleep with so much warmth in my apartment right now.

                                       ~

When I woke up I smelt cigarette smoke and pancakes. Pancakes? Where would those come from. I barely kept food in my apartment.

I made that morning stretch. And it hit like a motherfucker. Everyone can relate. Morning stretches always hit.

"Shit Zilah. Do you always look so good?"

Mah's voice fell into my ears. Making the morning complete now. My eyes were still closed. So opening them and seeing him in front of me would be a bonus.

I opened them. He stood there looking completely sober. Very different from last night. Looking innocent but not innocent all at once.

A cigarette rested between his lips. He was still wearing his dark blue Levi's hoodie with black ripped denim jeans and black and blue Air Jordan's. The puffs under his eyes showed the evidence of his state last night. But he was still a beauty to the eye.

"Sober, I see."

"Awake, I see. Here." Pushing my comment to the side he handed me a paper plate with two thick pancakes that looked fucking delicious sitting on it. My eyes widened. As before, I still didn't eat much. Somehow he always found a way to make me want to, though.

Smiling up at his compelling presence, I could never help myself.  "How are you up so early?" It was the weekend.

"How do you sleep so late? And wake up so sexy right after?"

"Um," I looked at the clock. It was 12:00pm which really wasn't that late. I rolled my eyes. "I mean we were up pretty fucking late genius."

"Yeah we...were." He rubbed the side of his neck, looking so sexy while doing it. Making his way to sit beside me on the messy bed. We were both messy sleepers, I could see.

"Mah, just tell me what happened already." I mewled softly as I chewed on the delicious pancake and turned towards him. Seriously, it was heaven in my mouth right now.

He clenched his jaw. "No. Fuck no. Just forget about it Zilah."

"But why— "

"Because you always find a way to make shit your fault. I'm not letting you. My fucked up decisions don't have anything to do with you." He stood up and kissed my forehead. "I gotta go, but call me later. Or I'll call you." He walked out of the apartment.

I still sat on the end of the bed with the plate in my lap now. He was further away from me, again. And now my appetite was gone. Wiped away. So was that feeling of high spirits that I'd had.

He was there one moment and gone the next. Far to busy for someone like me. My hands moved to my forehead as if that would help me think of something better. Of course it didn't. I felt like nothing but anything right now.