The Light That Rid My Darkness

thirty five

Whoever created hospital rooms were a genius and a complete dumbass all in one. At least in my opinion.

They helped with patients who needed serious care and I was thankful for that. But the way all of the machines and beeping sounds filled the room didn't give me a good feeling inside. Especially when you knew you were there for someone you loved with all of your heart.

His cells were not doing the job. The time he'd been in the hospital showed it all.

He was here for 3 months on and off for long periods of time. Staying at the hospital every two weeks and leaving. Coming and going. With me by his side the whole time.

This was the sign that his sickness was really getting the best of him. He, however, still acted durable apart from his health.

The room was silent while I lay beside him in his arm on the hospital bed. We were watching the Tv on the wall while my head rested on his heavy breathing chest. He wore the hospital gown with IV's attached to each arm.

"That's a badass Camaro. I'm gonna get you one when I get a chance." His humorous tone was also weak. Sometimes he sounded like he didn't even have the strength to speak. "How does that sound, Lah?" He fondled the side of my shoulder with his freezing fingers. "Let the kid drive it too."

"Yeah. A newborn would definitely know how to work a car straight out of the womb."

"She would with a fucking father like me and a mother like you. I just know she's gonna be magnificent."

It was December and I was 6 months pregnant. It was like the further along I became, the more his disease wanted to affect him harder. 

"Oh shit." Fluttering started up inside of my belly. I felt something pulling at my skin from the inside. It was my baby. She heard us chatting about her and she loved it.

"What?" He looked down with a troubled look to where I was looking. Then his face rested. "You hear me baby?" Talking to our daughter caused excitement to fill his face. He didn't look as tired as before, neither did he act like it.

I moved up and formed my position into a cross legged one. He sat up on the bed as well.

I took his hand and put it on my belly. I felt the coolness of his hands through my thin, gray hooded long sleeved dress. But the physical cold feeling was demolished when I felt his warmth while touching our child.

The fluttering started up again. More active this time. It felt like she wanted to get to him or something.

"Daddy is badass, isn't he?" He rubbed my belly in circles. Looking into my eyes with those beautiful green ones of his. Our smiles and happiness were synced in this very moment.

"No he's a fucking weirdo." Lay walked in sassily eating out of a can of pineapples.

I laughed, turning my head to her. The smile on my face must have shown a lot of happiness in it. Because she paused with a mouthful of pineapple and returned the same mood. We all just loved seeing each other happy.

"And her aunt is famous for having a big ass mouth. A head too. One that would need a fucking construction truck to be able to carry around."

"I'm that construction truck..." Parker leaned on the doorway to the room.

"No Park, you're the dirt."

"What does that even mean? I really need to teach you the proper way to make a joke. My niece will definitely take after her unc." He strolled in and sat down beside me on the hospital bed, resting his head childishly on my shoulder. I laughed and leaned my head on his. Looking at the glare Mah gave him.

"This hospital gown might make me look bitchy,  but I can beat your ass so good that you would gain the normal comprehension a human should have. Both you...and Lay." His eyes moved between the both of them, waiting for a response.

"Oh really?" Parker stood from the bed as Lay walked over to the bed as well.

Once they were both on each side of the bed they giggled like little kids and started attacking Mah.

Seconds later they were all wrestling in the bed like oversized children. It made me laugh because I was in the mix of it all.

Mah picked Lay up and threw her over his shoulder. She screamed laughing as he ran out of the hospital room with Parker chasing after them.

All you could hear were three dumbasses in the hospital hallway keeping up so much noise.

It were the moments like these. The ones that made me forget about it all. About the actuality of everything.

I still sat on the bed while the others were God knows where. Probably getting yelled at by nurses or frightening people in the cafeteria and hallways with their commotion.

Someone was at the door. Doctor Jones. But Mah wasn't here so it was kind of surprising seeing her still here.

"Hi." I moved a strand of hair behind my ear and formed a tight lipped smile. "He isn't in here right now. I think the cafeteria."

Instead of leaving she walked more further into the room. With a simper and look of empathy on her face.

"Is everything okay, Doctor Jones." I fixed my posture. Her empty response was concerning to me.

"Yes but...I just wanted to talk to you. Seems like you have a lot on your shoulders. You're a quiet girl, you know. Sometimes I don't know what exactly to think about you. Especially with everything that's going on."

"I'm fine, thank you." She was sitting down in the chair next to the hospital bed. Sitting so properly while her clipboard rested in her lap. "Other patients might need you right now. So don't worry about me."

She put one of her hands on top of mines. Ensuring me that she had enough time. I felt like someone was hearing me for once without me even having to speak. Her patient attitude was so tolerant right now. Giving me time. Doctors really knew how to read people.

"Go ahead sweetheart. Just let me know anything. Say as much as you want, or as little. It does not matter."

For a moment I let silence speak. I hadn't really had much time lately to actually feel anything. Or express them. But it's not like I ever really did. So tears started to fill my eyes in no time. Gosh, I was such a bitch.

"Doctor Jones am i the only one who..." I played with my fingers. It was the only thing keeping my tone steady. "feels bad things inside? Hears things? People? Sometimes sharp noises..."

"Can you give me an example?"

"I can't explain it. I just know they want to hurt me. Or maybe it's just me. Maybe I want to hurt me. It feels like the only option sometimes."

"How long have you felt this way?" I heard her tone become unsteady.

"Forever."

"You aren't normal, neither are you abnormal. There are others who feel the things you do. I'm going to—"

"But why would you let him pour chocolate milk on me! You were on my side!" Laughing and loud voices came closer to the doorway.

Doctor Jones stood from the chair and stared me down before the others could arrive. She didn't say anything while doing it. Like she was trying to figure out what to do with me.

"Lah, look at this asshole!" Mah was in the middle of the doorway with a lit up face towards the hallway.

"We will talk later honey. Let me know if anything is wrong with him." The doctor rushed out of the room, writing on her clipboard.

I didn't get to talk to her about this again. At least for a while.