The Light That Rid My Darkness

thirty nine

"Bacon or sausage?"

"A-all. Every fucking thing. I'm a big man. I need my double digit nutrients. Especially to please a fine ass woman like you."

Sitting at the kitchen table he leaned back in the chair with his arms crossed. Trying to look so tough. Wearing a loose white tee and black baggy jeans. His hair was cut low into waves now. His beautiful face examined everything around him. It was noon time, but he still wanted breakfast.

The other boys in the house were out right now handling things with the gang, I heard. Lay was gone to the store to pick up medicine for Mah. So it was only us two.

I loved being alone with him. Through sickness and health. Because he never changed. He kept his boldness, humor, positivity. Every single thing about him that I adored, never changed. Nothing could change him.

Except for his memory. Which was fading daily, slowly. But the universe wasn't completely against us. Because he kept every single memory of us together.

I knew this because he reminded me of them. Late at night in bed. Early mornings. Or just random times.

It's March now. Three months later. Im almost due because it's the end of the month.

My pregnancy gave me hope. The hope of a new life, and new beginnings. I felt when she entered this world, every problem could possibly go away. That's how big of a blessing she was.

And even her father thought the same. Something I could always remember was, 'The new strand of love that would enter my heart for her, would help heal me. Along with the love I have for you.'

I thought of this saying everyday.

Today was a normal day, I thought. Things didn't seem too off. His memory wasn't as bad. His attitude was nostalgic. He hadn't been bringing up old, old memories. Like of him and the boys like he always used to. Or of him and Lay. But today he was doing that. Which was giving me even more hope.

I walked over to the table, setting both of our plates down. He stood before I could sit, and pulled my chair out for me. Leaving exactly six kisses on my cheeks, and three on my lips.

"Think I'm gonna let you cook a whole meal and not receive anything in return?"

"You know I don't mind."

"I wanna give you somethin'. But eat first for me."

"Well now I can't eat. Come on tell me what it is. Let me see." I rested my chin on my hands, looking at him above me curiously. Examining every gorgeous feature on his body.

He smiled and sucked his teeth, looking down at me while his gold chain dangled on my forehead. Then he walked away from my sight.

"Where are you going?"

He walked back over and stood behind me again.

"Pull all of this beautiful hair up for me. Just for a second."

I moved my heavy hair up into a ponytail with the rubber band on my wrist. Then I saw a beautiful diamond necklace in front of my face, ready to be worn around my neck.

He put the necklace around me. It fit perfectly.

The necklace glittered with diamonds all around it. What got me most was the pendant of it.

It was a circle with a picture of me and him outside together at midnight, on Parker's car. A picture that was fresh in my mind right now. Making me remember that wonderful night and that exact moment.

I remember the five of us went for a drive. Luke, Parker, Lay, Mah, and I. Parker ended up tricking us into a car race. With all five of us in the car while he raced.

Luke stood out the sunroof of the car with a beer bottle while Parker hit the gas with force in his foot. Causing the car to make so many loud noises in the middle of that road filled with numerous people cheering and keeping up noise. The amusement this night carried was inexplainable.

Lay was in the front seat hanging out of the window. Having the time of her life with her lover. Cheering him on like a hype man.

And Mah and I were in the back. He smoked a cigarette and had one arm around my shoulder. Throwing up his middle fingers at the people outside of the window, talking his shit and laughing.

That was my first time inside of a car during a race. I remember he felt my tense body before the race started and he pulled me closer to him and whispered in my ear.

"During this race, I might not be right by your side the whole time. But I just want you to remember that my presence lingers. Even when I'm not the closest to you."

He said that because most of the race he didn't hold me like a fucking baby. He stuck his head out of the window or out of the sunroof with Luke. Which was fine with me because I wanted him to have his fun. But I had become so relaxed.

Just from those words, I ended up having the time of my life as well. I wasn't strained anymore. I didn't sit as still as a rock. I actually had fun with everybody, like I'd done it a hundred times.

This night was right when he first started getting sick. When everything still felt normal.

The picture was somewhat blurry in all of the right places. But good enough to where you could see us two just fine.

I had one hand resting on his neck while the other arm was hugging him as we both sat on the roof of the car. I was in his lap sideways and my face was turned towards the camera with a wide, childish like smile. So much joy filled in it, showing how happy I was to be in that moment.
He was holding a cigarette in one hand that was pointed towards the camera, his other arm wrapped around my body with two beers in that hand. His eyes were lazy and stuck on me. The way he looked at me in this picture was the way he always did. He looked at me like something he cherished with his whole heart.

Just that one, divine picture burned so bright, it's fuel being nothing but love and warmth.

I loved this necklace. I started thinking about getting it permanently attached to my body the moment I saw it, the moment it touched my skin.

"I remember Lay's drunk ass taking this picture that night."

"Yeah." He laughed. "We were all fucking drunk. You know Luke was."

"Luke? No..." I sarcastically made a face of disagreement. Luke was a fucking stoner, alcoholic, and baby all in one. I still loved him though.

"I had one more thing..." Mah sat down this time to give me the next gift. He pulled out a thick vintage black leather journal. He knew I loved to read. He always bought me books. But he also knew I wasn't quite a fan of writing. So I was confused.

I moved my hand towards the journal, eager to open it and read what was inside. "What's this—"

He grabbed both my of hands with one of his before they could move anymore.

"Don't open it yet. Just wait until the ideal time to open it. You'll know. Trust your instincts, Lah." He moved closer to me and kissed my lips strikingly. When I was able to catch onto the kiss, I moved the palm of my hand to his cheek.

It lasted forever.

"Are you okay?" I asked when he finally detached our lips.

"Yeah but I'm tired. I only rest right when I rest next to you. Let's lay down and watch a move or somethin' when we finish eating?"

"Sure." I smiled and took a crunch out of my bacon. He smiled back and kissed me one more time.