Zilah, a 20 year old has always been one to self doubt. Dealing with depression, anxiety, and never giving herself the benefit of the doubt, and always making jokes to push aside her true feelings. Her childhood trauma is what led her to do such thi...
I adjusted back into my home in the blink of a eye. As soon as I got back I was ready to rearrange the room. Switch things up. It was time to change.
The bed we had stayed. I bought a stylish plush saggy bed cover to put over the bed. Repainted the room walls and fixed the holes that had been holes from anger in them. I hung pictures up on the wall of Nahla and I. And also some of me and Mah. Never letting his presence die. It would never die.
Her crib was right in front of my bed. I was obsessed with Hello Kitty. My daughter would be as well. Her crib was white with black and red Hello Kitty blankets and pillows inside.
I made the boys remove all of the illegal items like the guns and drugs out of the room when I was in my last trimester. I didn't have to worry about any of that. They had the gang under control. Never letting any of that drama get to me, Lay, or Nahla.
Baby toys and items lay on the carpet of the room now. A Tv was put on the wall. Everything was different but the same all in one. The appearance changed, but the atmosphere felt the same way it felt the first day I arrived in this room. The day my whole life changed and lead me to the present day right now. That was so very fortunate.
My new job now was at another bookstore close by the house. The vibe there was better, more calm, more accepting.
I knew I needed something to do and I needed to start providing for myself and Nalah. Moving out right now wasn't in my plans just yet. I couldn't think about being away from my family so soon. But later on in life I would continue my journey in a new place. But I wanted to stay here a few more years. To make more memories to cherish with these people.
I sat on the bed watching the news while Nalah held onto the rail of her crib for balance in standing. I smiled down at her and she looked down and giggled.
"Good job my baby."
"Hey, Zi." Lay was in the doorway with a baby bottle in one hand and a familiar book in the other. A book I hadn't seen since the last time I saw Mah.
She looked down to Nalah who was bouncing her legs up and down and looking up at her.
"Look at you, dancing like Tee-tee." She made a kissy face at my baby and then looked back up to me, adoring their beautiful connection. "I made shrimp tacos. And is this milk old? Smells like shit. Also, I found this book at the top of the stove. You're the only who who fucking reads so—"
I jumped off of the bed and ran over to her. I took the book from her hands and looked over it to make sure I wasn't mistaken.
It was the journal he gave me as a gift. I laughed a laugh of relief and moved in to hug her tightly.
"Thank you. I've been looking for this shit for fucking forever."
"I'm hungry right now. If you hug me any tighter you might break me in half because of my empty ass stomach."
I let go quickly, forgetting how tight I was hugging her.
"Sorry. Uh...I'll be in there to eat in a sec."
"Okay. Be glad the boys aren't here, they would've ate it all. And I would've had to give out ass whooping's, again." I laughed and kissed her cheek. She exited the room.
"Just wait until the ideal time to open it. You'll know. Trust your instincts, Lah."
His voice echoed in my head from that moment when he gave me this journal. Remembering what he said made me realize. He knew he was going to leave this world that day.
I sat on the bed with impatience, eager to know what was inside. My fingers brushed over the top of it and my heart became heated. Then I finally just untied the string around it and opened it. My eyes fell on that well known sloppy hand writing of his.
Fuck, I feel like a grandpa right now. Not remembering things one minute and having a whole episode of flashbacks the next. So I'm pretty sure it's a good idea to write everything in here. The important memories.
The memories of my family. The memories of you, Lah. This journal is for me, but it is most importantly for you.
Read it at your own pace, as many times as you want.
I don't really know what the hell is happening, and I don't know what will happen.
All I know is that I hope you open this at the right moment. You're a smart girl, so I know for sure you'll choose the right time.
Read this whenever you need me when I'm not close by, share the things in here that I write to however you desire.
I'm glueing corny ass pictures in here of all of you crazy fuckers. A visual reassurance for myself.
I never want to forget you guys.
I never want you guys to forget me.
And don't forget, Zilah. My presence lingers. Evolve for me.
Nalah
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