The Light That Rid My Darkness

twenty four

"Zilah!" Someone yelled my name from outside. "Get in the ambulance, he might make it! Get out here!"

I still stood in the hallway. Like a fucking idiot. My body couldn't move. I was stuck.

Then voices started reverberating in my ears. Like the same voices that I would hear in my dreams. Different tones, all sorts of pitches, just screaming at me. I didn't know where it was coming from or how I could get away from it.

A big, unpleasant scream came to my hearing and cut off everything I was experiencing.

Now it felt like I was in the real world again. I was back.

"Zilah!!" Someone yelled louder this time. It somehow triggered something in my body and I was back moving and aware again.

I ran outside to where everyone who lived in the house stood. I didn't even know everybody was here until now.

"N—no. You guys sho—should get in there." My hands  went to my head for the millionth time today. The words coming out of my mouth couldn't stop tumbling over one another. "Yeah...he'd want you guys in there more. You all should be the ones with him. I shouldn't even be—" My head mentally turned inside out. "S—Shit!"

Lay walked over to me at a fast pace.

"Get in that fucking ambulance. Now!" She said this as if she were my mother. Her deadly look said that she was not accepting no for an answer. I still stood there with my head pointed towards the ground as my hair covered my face. Trying to just...reconnect. Lay shoved me into the van.  "We will meet you there." She slammed the door shut.

The first few minutes the paramedics did CPR on Mah over and over. I sat with my elbows on my knees, and my head laying motionless on my hands.

It felt like I could do nothing to help right now. I was once again a disadvantage to the important things that surrounded me.

Now my only hope was in front of me barely surviving, and I  somehow felt like it was all my fault.

I lifted my head from my hands  and rearranged my body. Sitting with my back against the ambulance wall and my fingers picking at each other.

The only thing I felt I could do was stare blankly at my hands, which were turning pale.

Beneath them I noticed my feet, with no shoes on them. I only had socks on right now. I still wore his clothes.

I moved the sleeve of his shirt to my nose. And I smelt him. His scent relieved a thousand nerves in my body right now. Just only that was enough to do so. To have some piece of him, was enough to calm me.

But I still wanted it to be him. Not just a piece of him.

The world was collapsing. Maybe I should have gone down with it. 

Jump off once it stops and leave him. Run to the bridge. He will survive without you. He will be back at peace, without you. Everyone will. 

The voice returned  back at the worst time possible. But maybe it was right. Maybe if I'd left as soon as I had the chance, Mah would survive. He  wouldn't have bad fortune. Or have to worry about me. Just maybe without me, he'd be able to fix all of his problems and make things go back to the way they are meant to be.

My moral senses were not at all in existence at this moment. I did not know what path to take. I couldn't even see a path from the position I was in. I just felt...there in my mind.