ᴠᴀᴍᴘʏʀᴇ || ꜱᴇᴠᴇɴᴛᴇᴇɴ ꜰᴀɴꜰɪᴄ

*𝕔𝕙𝕒𝕡𝕥𝕖𝕣 𝟡𝟙

-나는 그들의 것, 그들은 내 꺼야-

i laid there awake, between them for hours until they both fell asleep.

my mind was flooding with thoughts of how i would ever tell them about what happened the year i arrived in france. what i tried to do.

when i was telling vernon, i was winging it. i had no idea where to begin or how to even bring up the subject.

with seungcheol and myungho, i didn't have to tell them, they found out by themselves and i explained it to them. it was easy.

but now, i have to do it myself and it's scary.

but nonetheless, it's something i have to do. they are the people i am closest to and the ones that i will spend the next few short years with.

i didn't want to be thinking about this, but i had been laying there for hours contemplating how i would do this. mingyu's arms were wrapped around my waist, holding my back to his chest closely, and i had wrapped myself around wonwoo.

our legs were tangled together and my arms were around him, and his were around me.

i could feel their gentle breathing on my skin, how their bodies moved the slightest bit as they breathed in and out.

i wish i was thinking about something else, i sighed.

but you have to start somewhere, areum.

"maybe if i tell them while they're asleep, it will make me less nervous for when i actually do it," i whispered, just under my breath, looking up at wonwoo to see if he would react to my hushed words.

he didn't react in the slightest. he was sleeping soundly.

i let out a sigh of relief i didn't know i was holding.

"i need to start practicing for this," i chuckled a bit at the strange situation i was being faced with.

most people don't even contemplate telling their loved ones that they've tried to hurt themselves, even less that they've tried to kill themselves.

again i looked up at him hoping to not see a reaction.

but nothing. he didn't move an inch.

and then i continued.

"i don't know where to begin. i wish i didn't even have to begin. but um- i, i went through a really hard time when we first moved to paris. it was around a year after you all left," i paused.

"i was depressed and devastated that you guys had left. i felt slightly abandoned- and hurt. i realize now that i was angry. angry at the world, angry at you guys, angry at joshua and soonyoung and the others. and i was also angry at myself," i could feel tears welling up in my eyes.

"for a long time, the images of your faces were almost blurred to me, i had forgotten the details of your faces and the only real reminder of you guys was from a picture that had all thirteen of you in it, and me. that was the only real thing that kept your faces clear in my memories. i was miserable," i took a breath, reminding myself that i had to stay calm. to not cry.

"i tried to kill myself," i confessed. "i couldn't live with myself that way. now that i look back, i realize i acted prematurely and with naivety. but i thought there wasn't a light at the end of the tunnel. i thought you guys had all abandoned me."

"i didn't see a reason to keep going."

for a moment, i stopped, taking a moment to hear the silence, the peace. the minute changes in the wind outside.

"that's a good place to start," i tried to make a joke to myself, chuckling, but the tears in my eyes canceled that, and i felt bitter.

but I also felt a sense of relief.

"that is a good place to start," i felt wonwoo speak, with his lips to my forehead.

and for a minute, i panicked. my heart skipping a beat at his sudden voice.

"it's okay, calm down," he shushed, his hand beginning to trace circles on my arm.

"you heard?" my stomach twisted inside me.

"yes."

this time, i felt mingyu shift. he propped up his hand so that his body was resting on that arm and looking down at me.

"i'm sorry we ever put you through something like that," he said softly as he kissed my shoulder.

"we also went through a hard time when we left," wonwoo also moved to look down at me.

at that moment, i realized that i was alone in a room, with two very big men... in a very vulnerable moment.

out of context, this looks very, very bad.

"what are you talking about?" i muttered

"i remember the day we left vividly," he said, "i remember being scared that too much time would pass and you would be old. i was afraid of never seeing you again."

"he was afraid that you would die, too. you're mortal," wonwoo whispered, his hand playing with my hair.

"good to know someone cares," i chuckled as tears formed in my eyes.

as time has passed, humor has become a good way for me to cope with everything. i've only started being like this recently, and it's been quite useful sometimes.

"we," wonwoo started, "i, was afraid too much time would pass by, maybe you would have forgotten us, or worse, you would have grown up, gotten married, had kids, and i wouldn't have been there to see it," he couldn't bring himself to look at me as he admitted how he felt.

"i may have acted cold when you were younger, but i still cared for you deeply."

"i didn't think any of us would fall for you," mingyu chuckled, leaning his forehead on my shoulder.

🌷

"cheol, have you heard anything from joshua?" i rubbed my eyes as i walked toward him. i had woken up earlier than usual to see seungcheol in the kitchen.

before i even spoke to him, i stopped for a moment to enjoy the view.

the way the light bounced off his dark hair, how his long eyelashes hid the sparkle of his eyes. he was stunning. enchanting.

he lifted his head towards me. his eyes brightening the moment he saw my face.

"yes, actually," he put down the pan he was holding, "he contacted me a while ago. last week, he called me and said they might be close to something, and this morning, he said," he paused again, almost as if he was unsure of what he should say, or if he should.

but as each word left his lips, the move hopeful I was becoming.

"we can go back?" i whispered just under my breath.

the entire time we have been here it's felt almost like paris all over again, where i couldn't see some of them. i've become so attached to them emotionally that it feels like i can't function without them.

this is unhealthy.

maybe this distance was good for me. i should start learning to keep my distance.

"yes," he smiled at me.

"he said we should return next month, in july. everything's wrapped up over there, so it's time," he walked over to my side and kissed my forehead.

"we're going back."

a/n y'all i cut my hair rlly short and it honestly looks like minghao's brown mullet and i absolutely love it lol

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