Jourdan Mathews has a secret, and she knows she needs to take this one to the grave.
* * *
Her life was never complicated: a college student with a close family, good friends, and a plan for her future as a doctor. Had that night had never happened...
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Thursday comes faster than I'd like it to. Not because I am actually that repulsed by Ryder but because I hadn't been in a 'date' setting since Miles died. I know the basic facts of this night: we're friends doing a favor for our other friends, but I am an overthinker at heart. And to top it all off, I had a meeting with my academic advisor today, which reminded me of all the plans I'd had before.
The plans for Miles to get a job in Denver, and for me to attend Anschutz medical school in Denver too so I could begin my career in psychiatry. We were going to rent an apartment together, start our lives together. My advisor also reminded me of the plan for me to take the MCAT this year, which after Miles was gone, fell to the way side too.
Now I feel behind, I'm starting a new plan and college is almost over. My entire life's goals and dreams up in smoke before I could blink or try to stop it.
"You still have time Ms. Mathews," my advisor's voice echoes in my head. "Don't worry."
But not worrying has never been simple for me, so this doesn't stop me from nervously cleaning the entire kitchen the second I got home from class and my meeting.
"Are you sure you don't have OCD?" Bex muses at me from where she is seated at our raised bar while I scrub our stove top. I'd even gone so far as to take the grates apart, allowing for a deeper clean.
"You know it's offensive to just assume someone has OCD because they like a clean space," I retort jokingly. "OCD is a real thing and it's not funny."
"Okay, miss psychology major." She giggles and I just roll my eyes, wiping the clean stove top down one final time with my sponge.
"I'm just nervous for tonight."
"Why? It's Ryder, I doubt he'd pull anything now," Bex shrugs. "I know you don't like him, but I'd consider myself good friends with the guy and he's not as bad as he seems."
"It's not that I don't like him, it's that he is a misogynistic pig most of the time." I state plainly and Bex proceeds to laugh loudly.
"No, no, it's because he can keep up with you and not a lot of people, guys especially, can do that." She tells me and I roll my eyes.
"Keep up with me?"
"Jourdan you forget how intimidating you can be," She chides. "I mean mainly it's the punishing sarcasm."
"I'm not sarcastic, I'm realistic." I correct, though part of me knows she is right. Even before Miles I knew I had an edge, I just didn't really have a reason to use it. Now though I make a point of being as blatant as possible, if I'd been more upfront with Miles . . . then maybe . . . but I push that thought out of my head. That's a secret I'll have to keep to myself forever.
"Jourdan?"
Bex's voice shakes me out of my thoughts, and I realize I'd just been standing at the stove top, staring at the sponge I'd put down.
