Jourdan Mathews has a secret, and she knows she needs to take this one to the grave.
* * *
Her life was never complicated: a college student with a close family, good friends, and a plan for her future as a doctor. Had that night had never happened...
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My parents Christmas party feels the same as any other of their many, various holiday gatherings. The same crowd of people who had come to the Thanksgiving party were here now too, family, neighbors, close friends, all gathered together to eat and drink and exchange Christmas stories from earlier this morning.
Andee and I are sitting together in a pair of armchairs in my parents living room, her family having just arrived a little while ago, both of us with cups of my aunt's egg nog—which, truth be told, had a little something extra in it.
"I love Christmas time." Andee hums, taking a long sip of the egg nog and I nod, agreeing with her.
"It's been a nice day," I chime in. "My parents were really thoughtful this year, not that they aren't usually, but I don't know, this year felt different for some reason."
"Yeah," Andee nods, turning farther in her armchair to face me. "My mom and dad had the same tiff over wrapping paper that they do every year. It's a holiday tradition at this point."
I giggle, thinking of her describing to me her parents' disagreement over how to dispose of wrapping paper. Andee's mother wanted to recycle it all, whereas her father insisted there were pieces to be saved for next year.
"You seem like you're feeling a bit better." Andee says then and I shrug, nodding.
"I think I am today," I admit, thinking of my conversation with Ryder last night and waking up this morning feeling more hopeful. "Ryder and I talked last night."
"Oh, how'd that go?" she asks.
"Pretty good actually," I say. "He told me he's sorry for freaking out and that he misses me, and . . . well, I don't think it's actually over yet."
"See," Andee smiles. "I knew you guys just need some space to talk it out."
"Yeah, and maybe the space is actually good." I concede. "I'm really taking the chance to focus on myself . . ." I pause, hesitating, but then decide if there's anyone I can talk to about going to therapy, it's Andee. "I'm gonna see a therapist when we get back to Boulder too."
"Jourdan," she says, voice sounding a bit relived. "I'm actually really happy to hear that."
"I just need a bit of time to sort some stuff out," I agree. "You know?"
"Yeah," Andee nods. "I mean, you know I know. When I went to therapy, it helped, so much. Just having someone to talk to like that, even if it's only a couple times, completely changed things."
We continue chatting then, exchanging more kind words with one another, maybe because of us being on our second glass of Aunt Carol's magical egg nog. Eventually though I get up, offering to get us another plate of Christmas cookies, and make my way into the kitchen. I am reaching for the Hershey's kiss cookies when a hand on my shoulder startles me and I glance up.
