blue

chapter 7

trigger warning: suicidal thoughts

The first time she considered death as a better option than life was when she was 11. A release from the constant anxiety scratching behind her eyes and shredding her stomach. A way to escape the pressure and terror that wracked her body the instant she stepped into her family home. Freedom

A year after the first time she seriously considered ending her life was the first time she intentionally harmed herself.

It was her fault. All of it. And she deserved the pain because she had caused worse to others.

She made her mother want to jump off a bridge and shoot herself. The girl knew this because her mother would scream it until silent sobs slipped from the girl's soul and shattered her chest. 

Her mother would tell her she was lazy, stupid, disrespectful, arrogant, selfish, rude, dumb, spoiled, rotten, embarrassing, worthless, and many other things.

All of them were true of course. Because why would her mother of all people lie to her? 

Every time the girl attempted to defend herself and call out her mother, she was told she was playing the victim and crying to get attention.

Every time she locked herself in the bathroom to silently sob and shake uncontrollably until she had no more tears was fake. An attention-garnering ruse to make people feel sorry for her.

And she'd made her mother want to kill herself.

She told nobody because of how her mother's words had been relentlessly drilled into her head until they played on repeat.

Stupid. Lazy. Selfish. 

Just.

Like.

Your.

Father.

The girl's father in question was detested by her mother, hated with a fire that singed the girl's heart when she heard those words. 

She acted like her father. Her mother hated her father. Her mother hated her. 

Her own life was worthless if she made her mother want to die. All she did was cause others pain no matter how hard she tried to be perfect. These were commonly occurring thoughts that often occupied the girl's head.