blue

chapter 9

trigger warning: self harm/suicidal thoughts

January was the month. It was the twenty-second of January, and the first time she did it. She had fought with her mother once more, as was commonplace at that point, but this time was different.

In comparison, maybe it wasn't as terrible as when her mother threatened to send her into foster care or threw her on the ground and tried to break her wrists.

Maybe.

This time when her mother said she wanted the girl's step-dad to shoot her, the mother's words shot her oldest daughter's heart. 

The girl was powerless as she so often was. And she longed for the before.

Before she wanted to die.

Before she hurt everyone around her.

Before she made her mother want to die.

Before she realised her mother might not always be right.

Before she started trying to stand up for herself.

Before she scratched her arm until it bled on January 22.

It was her fault. She had caused this. She'd hurt her mother so deeply and subsequently hurt herself.

But it didn't hurt enough. She deserved more pain. More pain to punish herself for her wrongdoings. 

So she sat in her room. 

In the dark.

In her bed.

In her pajamas.

In a daze.

In pain.