Black

chapter nine.

Song for this chapter:

Fire Meet Gasoline by Sia

I love Sia so much. She's so unique.

                        •••

"We knew you could do it." Naomi kisses my cheek as she hugs me. Todd smiles at me proudly, holding a bouquet of daisies, knowing they're my favorite flowers.

"Thanks." I smile at them as I hold Naomi.

"You're so grown up now." She pulls away with tears in her eyes as she fixes my cap.

I've graduated high school and it was a very slow and agonizing journey. But I got through it and I graduated.

"We're so proud of you, Raina. You've grown up to be an amazing young woman." Todd hugs me.

"Ahhh!" I turn to see Jackie running to me with her diploma in hand. I laugh at her as she wraps her arms around me. "We made it."

"We made it." I say as we pull apart.

                        •••

I think I was doing quite well for someone who is internally breaking down every second of everyday.

But then I just broke.

I'm glad it's raining so that the raindrops hide the tears that run down my face as I walk down the soaked sidewalks of Manhattan.

I can't handle this life anymore. I can't handle how I'm living. It's as if all the dark memories and feelings just continue to claw at me, scratching me until I'm bleeding and it hurts.

I wrap my arms around myself, my jacket soaked from the pouring rain. It's getting darker and usually I'd be afraid to be in the middle of Manhattan but I don't care anymore.

I gasp as I bump into someone, almost falling back onto the ground. The person rushes past me, holding a newspaper over her head as she runs.

As I grew up, remembering my father, I used to think a piece of my heart was taken and thrown away. I began to build a wall around the pieces left to protect myself. Guard myself with walls so high no one can get around it.
That's why it's so hard to feel happy.

I feel I can never let anyone in because of him. I haven't even let Naomi or Todd in. I never called them Mom or Dad even when they deserved to hear it. I haven't spoken to them the way I wanted to because I was afraid they would leave me just like my father had.
Ridiculous, I know.

A loud honk pulls me out of my thoughts and I jump back realizing I'm in the middle of a crosswalk when it isn't my time to walk.

My heart is pounding in my chest as I think I could've been hit. I could've died just like that and all of this pain would disappear.

The car honks again and I slowly move out of the way.

It could all be over. I could finally be free.

There is no point of living this life anymore.

I'm a paradox. I want to be happy but I always think of the things that make me feel down. If I can't figure myself out, there's no way anyone else can.

I stand on the curb of a sidewalk and look down the street as I shake, watching as a taxi cab rushes down the street.

This is it.

I take a deep breath and as soon as the cab reaches a certain part of the road, I shut my eyes and step forward.

I feel a jolt and hear the sound of a car horn. I taste the saltiness of my tears mixed with the rain and I smell the dewy spring air.