All Alone

Chapter Twenty

"Can you hear me? If you can hear me squeeze my hand."

There was nothing.

"Come on. Just squeeze my hand. Please Santana." Tears came to the blonde's eyes. "Just squeeze my hand."

More nothing.

"I know you've been through a lot..." Brittany whispered. Tears streamed down her face. "And I know how hurt you are. But you're too strong to go like this. You can do this. I know it."

The blonde waited. She waited and waited. Nothing happened.

Brittany put her face in her hands and cried. It was a Saturday so she could stay late today and tomorrow but then what? How would she leave Santana all alone in the hospital?

"I need you Santana." She sniffled. It was true. No one at school knew what Santana was in the hospital for and rumors flew. Some were horrible.

Rachel had even run up to Brittany and asked if it was true that Santana got beat up by her pimp.

Brittany had almost slapped Rachel, yelling that Santana was not a hooker.

On top of all that, Quinn was still mad at Brittany and wouldn't speak to her. Because of this the taller blonde had been messing up cheer routines and coach Sue put her at the bottom of the pyramid.

"I really need you."

"What?"

Brittany's head snapped up and her heart thumped. She began to cry when she saw a tired looking Santana staring back at her.

The Latina furrowed her brow and looked around. "Where the fuck am I? What the hell is going on Brittany?"

The blonde frowned. "Y-you don't remember?"

"I-I remember getting so Advil..." Suddenly her eyes widened. "Wait... Did I...? I didn't...?"

Brittany nodded sadly.

Santana's eyes darkened and she rolled over so that she was facing away from Brittany. "Go away."

"W-what?"

"I... I don't want you to see me like this." The tiny girl whispered.

Brittany's heart broke. "Honey... It's okay. I would never judge you."

"I know that!" Santana snapped. "I fucking know! But I still don't want you to see me! I wish this had worked!"

The blonde felt as though all the air had been knocked out of her. "What?"

"I-I wish... I wish it worked. I wish I was dead."

Brittany stood quickly and said firmly, "that's it. You need help. I'm getting Dr. Denmark right now."

"No! Wait! I didn't mean it!"

But this time Brittany didn't hesitate. She went straight to the doctor and told him everything.

They rushed back to the room.

Dr. Denman sat next to Santana. "You're up."

"Yes, I am, fatass. That's very observant of you. Would you like a fucking medal?"

"Santana!" Brittany gasped.

Dr. Denman chuckled. "It's alright. This is just how we talk to each other." Then he became serious once again. "Santana I insist that you see our psychologist Dr. Brenner."

"No fucking way." Santana shook her head. "I already had one meeting with her after it happened. I'm not doing it again."

"Santana you need help." Dr. Denman said firmly. "I let you quit before which was obviously a mistake. This time you're going."

The Latina's eyes shone. "I'm not crazy."

"No you're not. But you still need help. I'm going to talk to your mom about it."

"My mother is here?" Santana gasped, obviously disgusted.

The doctor stood. "Yes. Now I'm gonna go talk to her.

Brittany sat down next to Santana and sighed. "Hi."

"Hi." Santana grunted back.

"I'm sorry." Brittany gushed.

The brunette furrowed her brow. "What?"

"I let this happen! And-and it's all my fault! I could've stopped it and got you help right away and you wouldn't be here. You could be better and I'm rambling but I don't care."

Santana took a big sigh. "Brittany. It isn't your fault. It's mine. Honestly if I just wasn't here it would be so much better for everyone. That includes you."

"That isn't true!"

"Yes it is." Santana sat up quickly. "Think about it. I'm a bitch, I'm loud, I'm rude, I make people cry, I hit it and quit it repeatedly, I bully people, I slushy people, I swear, I drink, I smoke, I do drugs, I hate everyone and everything but... You. And I tried to kill myself. I'm fucked up. I'm depressed. And I have such a fucked up family and such a fucked up past. My own father let someone fucking rape me for drugs. My mother never loved me. She hated me the minute I was born and never lets me forget what a screw up I am. What is my purpose? Why should I even be here when the only person that loves me is way too good for me?"

Brittany had to take a minute to absorb Santana's speech. "Well since you get to make a speech so do I." She said seriously. "Santana I'll tell you why you should be here. I'm not smart. It's just a fact. Yet you always help and encourage me and never let me feel stupid. Even when you were mean to me at first, I always felt protected. Like you had my back. And you did. The fact that you've been through all that and still manage to love- to love me -is pretty amazing in and of itself. You're a really good person deep down, it's just you can't show it because you're afraid that if you do you'll get hurt. It's not your fault that you feel this way. It's your awful, terrible parents. They are the bad people, not you. They're sick. Santana you won't get hurt and I promise you that. You can let me love you and you can love yourself without getting hurt. You're amazing, Santana. The world is so incredibly lucky to have you."

Santana began to cry. Fat tears rolled silently down her cheeks and she sniffled. "But everybody hates me. I hate me. So much. And I don't-" her voice cracked and she put her head in her hands and moaned. "I don't know how to stop. I don't know how to love me."

Brittany reached out and took her hands, letting Santana lean into her. "I promise I will help you." She said. "We'll get through this together and I will teach you. I will teach you to love yourself."

AN: good news: she's awake! Bad news: she hates herself. So in my opinion this is actually one of the most heartbreaking chapters I've written and I cried a lot while writing it. But I hope you guys like it! Remember to vote, comment and share! Love ya!

- G. Schreiber