CWRC Anthology

A Child's Addiction

© 2022 by Abby Burrus .

Brought to you by Christian Writers  and Readers Club.

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I'm curled in a ball at the end of a dark room. I can't see anything, with my eyes or with my
heart.

My lungs are hurting as they gasp out another sob. I want to stop. I want to stop! But I can't.
I rub away tears with my hands so much the backs of them are wet. And still more come.

I want them to stop too.
Finally I give up and just cry. I relive the nightmare over and over again.

The nightmare I have
lived over and over again.
Why? Why do I keep making the same stupid choice? It always leads me here.

And when it
does, I'm faced with the same choice again. And so the cycle continues.
I've broken out of it before. But then something happens and I get thrown into it again.

This secret sin I keep coming back to. I hear His footsteps. He's coming, just as He did in the garden of Eden. And I pull back. No.

I can't face Him!
I stand up, and though I can't see, I start running. I feel my way along the wall, gasping out
sobs the whole way.

I know I'm running from the one Person that could save me, but I can't bear
to face Him now, not after I did it again.

“Charlene? Charlene?” I hear His voice, and a part of me, the child part of me, wants to cry out
to Him. But I shush it.

My toe hits something and I stumble. “Ah!” I fall down, and my hands land on it.

It's cold, soothing to my hot body. I can't see it, but I don't have to see it to know what it looks
like.

It looks like release from this guilt and shame, it looks like peace, it looks dark and forbidding like death.

And I know what's where it leads, the place it will bring me to, this place of
the slow dying of guilt, shame, and separation from Him.

But I want it so bad.

As I grip it's slender neck, I hear Him again.

“Charlene. Please don't.”
I can't help it. I call out.

“I can't. I've got to! It's the only way...”

“No Charlene, it's not the only way. Not with Me, it will never be the only way.”

I hear His voice and I ask myself, “Can I disappoint Him again?” I wrench my hand away.

“I don't want to fail you again. You gave so much for me, and then I just keep doing this.”

I scream my words into the darkness.

“I'm trying! I'm trying to stop! I don't want to do this...”

Now I'm sobbing into my arms again. I close my eyes and keep them that way.

There's no point in me opening them.

“I know you're trying. But you're not trying with Me. And until you try with Me, you are going to
fail.”

I still. “With You?”

“With Me. Because only I have the strength to help you overcome this.”
My fist is clenching the neck of it again. It had wandered that way without me realizing it.

And I have a choice to make.
Let Him help me, or try on my own and fail again.

But how can I face Him? It would be so much easier...
Easier to face this again?

“Help me.” I whisper the words, but I know He hears them. He has always heard them.

I hear His footsteps coming towards me. My hand is on the neck of it again. I'm trying to resist
it, but I know I'm going to give in...
He kneels beside me, and gently grabs my hand, pries my fingers off of it. I yell and try to grab
it. “I need it! I don't want it but I need it!”

“No.” He stays my hand. “No. You don't need it. You only need Me. Only me. Only I can truly
satisfy you. Open your eyes.”
I slowly edge them open. An ethereal light is emitting from Him, and by it I can see.

For a moment, I stare at Him, and my longing is stayed.
But then my eyes wander to the bottle of it and the desire rears its ugly head, takes possession

He grabs my opposite shoulder and hand before I reach it. I panic and fight. “No! Let me go!”

“I will, if this is what you really want. You don't have to go there, but I will let you, because I
gave you free will.” His voice softened. “But child, it would break my heart.”

I stop fighting.
He turns me towards Him. “And yet, if you ever called for Me again, I would come. I would do
as I'm doing now. So long as you keep trying, child.”

I stare at Him a moment longer. My voice is strangled. “You are all I need? Will you satisfy?
Will you stay this longing?”

He nods.
I throw myself against him with all the longing for the bottle before. He lets me, wrapping his
arms around me. “Hold tight child. I won't let you go.”

For how long we stay there, I do not know. Sometimes I try to go for the bottle again, and each
time He stops me, each time He will not let me go. If I focus long enough, I see that He is
fulfilling me in a way that it never can.

Author’s Note:

I hope you enjoyed this flash fiction piece. You will notice that I never say
exactly what Charlene is addicted to.
That’s because I want you to look at that bottle and see your addiction.
What do you run to for comfort and security, what sinful thing do you crave
intensely?

Whatever it is, know that you do not have to be enslaved to it. So long as
you try with Him, and you depend on Him. And even if you fail, if you fall,
you still call out and you try again. For as long as it takes. Just keep trying.

Get in touch with Abby.

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