Desiderium

A son

Tommy pulled the potatoes out of the furnace, setting them quietly on a plate as anxious thoughts whirled through his mind like a hurricane. 

Who even is this Phil person? Why did he seem so familiar? Is he safe? 

Or would he hurt Tommy?...

Tommy didn't want to find out honestly, but there was no escaping the conversation with the others sitting near the fire. So he may as well get it over with, he'll just stay quiet, can't annoy anyone if you don't even speak, right? Yeah, just don't talk and he'll be fine, Techno seems to be safe, the man has proved he at least cares about Tommy, but Phil was a different story. He was new, unfamiliar, and that meant he could be dangerous. 

He won't hurt you, you know he won't.

But Tommy didn't know that, he didn't know anything anymore. So he simply grabbed the plates and handed the cooked food to the others before sitting next to Techno, not daring to utter a single word. And for a while, they were silent, nobody knowing what to say, and no one daring to break the silence looming over them. All that could be heard was the faint crackling of the fireplace, and the hushed clink of silverware against glass dishes. 

But nothing lasts forever, not even silence, still, Tommy was surprised when it was the ever quiet Techno who shattered the thin veil of silence hanging above them all. "So...Tommy, I've actually been meaning to ask this... do you remember why you jumped?..." As soon as the man said that, Phil straightened up, "Tech- you, you can't just ask that! At least not that bluntly, this is a sensiti-" 

"It's, fine. I don't mind him asking." Tommy said, nervously cutting Phil off. "Besides, I don't remember anyways." And with that, they fell silent again. Tommy's eyes drifted to the fire, he sat there watching the crackling flames, not knowing what to say, or if he even should say anything. Until a hand suddenly landed his shoulder. He flinched violently away from the touch, his eyes quickly looking up to see Phil crouched next to him. Looking  up at his expression, Tommy was surprised to see that Phil didn't seem angry that Tommy had flinched away, not at all, instead, the mans eyes seemed to be filled with a gentle, crushing sorrow. 

   It was the kind of sadness that just looking at the mans defeated expression made Tommy want to fix it, to return it back to the gentle calm the man seemed to carry before, It made Tommy want to find what could have possibly made him look so completely crushed and send it back to where it came from. 

      Tommy didn't know Phil, so why did this need to comfort the man feel so familiar, why did it feel so undoubtedly right to care for him as if he was family? But the strangest thing about it, was that this overwhelming sorrow seemed to be directed at Tommy himself, as if Tommy was worth all the care and sadness that was painted across Phil's face.

"Huh, you-." Phil stopped, taking in a breath. "You really don't remember us, do you?" He said, his eyes wet with tears. Tommy shook his head. "I don't." He said, voice trembling as his eyes burned with tears of his own. "But I don't think you understand how much I wish I did." Phil inhaled sharply, his gaze softening in concern, then his hand reached out, cupping Tommy's face in an impossibly gentle hold. He held Tommy so softly, so unlike the blows he had felt in his nightmares, the dreams that felt so vividly real as he cowered away from the masked man. 

He held Tommy like he was something precious, something worth being protected, something worth being loved. 

And that was all it took for Tommy to break down completely

Tears streamed down his face as he sobbed, and Phil shifted so he could hug Tommy, holding the blonde close to his chest as he wailed. "I- I really cant remember anything and I just- I don't feel whole without my memories. Like I'm just some useless shadow of what your Tommy is supposed to be." He sobbed, everything he'd been holding in shooting out like flood water, the dams finally breaking as Phil hugged him. "I feel like- like some kind of imposter. Sitting here, taking all this love you're giving me when I'm not the Tommy you love." 

Tommy squeezed his eyes shut, waiting for when Phil would drop him on the ground, waiting for when Phil realized he wasn't his Tommy, for when he took away all this gentle care he was showing the blonde. But that moment never came. Phil simply turned to face Tommy, holding him closer. "Tommy, mate, just because you don't remember us, that doesn't mean I don't love you." Phil said. "But I can't even remember why you love me, I don't even kno-" "Tommy, you're a son to me, memories or not, I will always care for you. Whatever happened in the past isn't makes you our Tommy, you being you makes you Our Tommy. You are, and always will be our Tommy. I don't care if you never regain your memories, we can always make new ones. All of us can, me Ghostbur and Tech could never stop loving you mate, never." Phil said, and his smile was so gentle, Tommy found himself believing him. 

He is their Tommy. He is. And that thought alone is enough to make Tommy smile.