Hanging On

Speak

“Go on.”

“I don’t want to.”

“Go.”

“You need help with the cows.”

“I can handle it.”

I pushed out my lower lip and Tucker chuckled.

“Go talk to her. It has to happen.” He said, spinning me around.

“Maybe if I just let it be, she’ll forget.” I said, turning back around. Tucker raised a slow eye brow.

“Syd, I’ve only been working here for like, two months, and I know that wouldn’t work.”

I sighed and picked at the hem of my shorts.

“Fine. If I’m not back in ten minutes, just wait longer.” I said, trying to be chipper. He chuckled and gently pushed me towards the chicken coop.

I slowly pushed the door open and peeked in. My mother was plucking eggs from the cubbies along the wall and placing them in her bucket. She glanced up when she heard the door shut, and I stood there awkwardly.

“Mom?” I asked tentatively. My mother and I may not have been as close as maybe we should have been, but she was the only family I had left, and I really didn’t like fighting with her.

“I’m sorry for freaking out on you.” I said, wringing my hands. She sighed and put her bucket down to look at me.

“I just want you to be happy. It seems like you never get better.” She said, gazing at me with sad blue eyes. I fought down the urge to beg her to understand and swallowed loudly. The first thought that came to my head was, I am getting better, everything is better with Tucker.

But I doubted right then was the best time to tell her about us. Also, I wasn’t really sure if what I was feeling wasn’t just the honey moon faze, or whatever people call it. For all I knew, all the butterflies in my stomach and tingles form his touch was just something that came with the territory or kissing someone.

“I know, and I am better, really. It may not seem it, but think about it. After my…melt down, the other night, I was fine the next day, and usually I’m not ok for a week. I don’t have the nightmares nearly as often. I’m never going to be the same, that’s just the truth, and I guess I’m not asking you to accept it, I’m just asking you to deal with it.” I said hurriedly, my hands out in front of me in a pleading form.

My mother was silent, and I waited for her to start screaming. Instead, she just ran a hand through her messy blond hair.

“Syd, I’ll let this go if you promise to talk to me, any time you need anything. I know you miss him, and neither of us will ever be the same. I just worry. I guess telling you that you needed help was a little….rash. Just know you can always come to me, ok?” she asked, looking at me with soft blue eyes.

I gave her a small smile. “I know mom, and I will. Thanks.”

With that, I quickly ducked out of the coop. I’m not really great with heart to heart conversations like that, and I felt incredibly awkward.

I darted back to the cow barn where Tucker was nearly done with throwing a few bales of hay out for the cows. He stopped when he saw and looked at me.

“That was quick.” He said slowly. I nodded and slowly walked towards him.

“How did it go?” he asked cautiously, folding his arms over his chest.

“It went really well. I don’t have to go see anyone, she decided.” I said happily, smiling at him. He gave me that crooked smile that I so adored.