DNR

34

Jamie handed me the things Xavi wanted to give her loved ones before leaving. She told me I needed space.

But I didn't.

I wanted Xavierre— alive.

"I'm sorry, Mr. Yukashi. We did our best."

My mind refused to process everything I just heard. My mind fell silent. My whole world went silent.

How do I accept this defeat while being completely aware that I have given the best that I could give to make her stay?

What... do I do?

The only thing I could feel in my body was my heart— being ripped apart. It's shattering. Every part of me was numb except my heart. Everything... was not functioning.

Was that all? Was that really the sum of our bests? Was that really the best they could give? Did we really run out of hopes now? Was she... really gone?

Tears began to escape from my eyes and I knew that it would take awhile before it stops. "I..." I couldn't recognize my own voice. "I understand..." I lied.

I don't understand. I didn't understand before, I still can't understand now. Why am I always left behind with no fucking choice?! Why is it so hard for her to stay with me?!

Why did I have to arrive late? There are so many times in my life where I could just be late and lose nothing. Why did I have to be late on this one? This one cost everything— every inch of me.

"May I have a moment alone, please?" I asked the private investigator that I hired to help me find her. I had to— I was already losing my mind.

I tried to find her, even when she clearly told me goodbye. Even when she broke me with another goodbye, I still chose to find her to put my mind at ease by making sure she's safe.

It took us months.

Now that I think about it, it took us so long. Maybe that's the reason why she was gone when we arrived. After months of hearing, "I'm sorry, Sir. She's not in this location.", I finally heard them say, "We found her."

But it was too late.

I lost her.

Did you really have to be this cruel, babe?

I didn't let you go for this. I didn't stop myself from begging you to stay for this.

Why didn't you tell me? Why didn't you tell me— nor anyone that everything was not fine? That you were not doing fine?

Why didn't you tell anyone that you were sick?

Why did you act so put together when everything was shattered inside you?

Why did you have to leave without telling anyone? You could've told me. I could've done something to help you. I could've done something to carry all your burdens.

I have seen Xavierre on her lowest. I have been with her when our Dean advised her to delay her Nursing School. I have seen her broke down whenever she had a tough day at work. I have seen her broke down whenever she sees a family. I have seen her on her lowest of lows.

But I have never seen her give up. She has always been a fighter.

What happened to her?

What made her give up?

What do I do? How do I move forward after this? I was already barely moving with the thought that her losing her love for me. Now, what do I do? She's literally gone.