I Don't Need New Friends

9. My Shrink Would Be So Proud

"You're the nurse Steve mentioned." Bucky reported. "He actually talked about you quite a bit..."

"Oh did he? How nice of him..." Zoe sneered. "...sorry, it's not your fault...so I was actually worthy of a mention?"

"He said you helped him and Nat while they were on the run. Sam, too..." Bucky wondered what he was missing, and why Steve never mentioned her by name, only as the nurse. "It sounded like you were really important to him."

"Important to him? Wow, high praise from Mr. Perfect...yeah, he would say something as lame as that after everything we went through." Zoe snickered. "Good to know I was 'important' to him, seeing as how we were together for years..."

Bucky's poker face was unmoved, but he cleared his throat. "Why did it end?"

"I couldn't give him what he wanted, plain and simple." Zoe said blankly. "I can't have kids...the one thing he wanted more than anything. So what was the point?"

"Seriously? Sorry, Zoe, but there's other ways to have a family." He shook his head. "Steve wasn't stupid, he knew that. What else? And why didn't everyone know about you two being together?"

"Listen, I get that you old timers want nothing more than the picture perfect life, the wife and kids, the white picket fence, the Norman Rockwell shit, but it's not the fucking 1940s anymore." Tears were spilling again. "He was so hell bent on starting a family, he didn't care who with. First we looked into adoption, there were so many kids who needed families after the snap. But then someone mentioned surrogacy, and that was it for him. That way he would have his own biological child. I totally get it, I have family who are adopted, I get that it's important to have some familial genetic ties if you can, but the world was still so fucked up. Then when Scott Lang came back, and all the madness about trying to get the stones back started, and Steve still wouldn't stop with this shit? That was the last straw for me." She wiped her face.

"See, I wasn't against having a family with him, I just refused to start one only to have him go get himself killed, which was highly likely...so he told me I was too selfish to be a mother, that I didn't love him enough to try for this. I told him he was insane to want to keep interviewing wombs while he was planning to attempt fucking time travel. He told me I didn't believe in him. I told him I was too exhausted from helping him deal with his complex trauma to raise a family alone while he was off flying through fucking worm holes or whatever and we should at least put things on hold until after he made it back in one piece. He told me he couldn't even look at me because I was trying to crush his dream of having a family. It broke me completely. I told him I was leaving and that was it...he didn't even try and stop me. I didn't see him again until Tony's funeral, where true to his word, he couldn't fucking look at me." She sniffed.

"And the reason everyone didn't know about me is because he said he was trying to protect me from having a target on my back. If you saw the few paparazzi pictures of him during that time, if I'm actually there, I'm usually a few feet away, mostly behind him, not giving any indication that we even knew each other. Made sense at the time, a lot of people were violently pissed at him for failing...so I stayed mostly out of sight. The not-so-perfect silent partner for America's tarnished golden boy."

Bucky awkwardly put a hand on her arm. "I'm sorry, Zoe" he whispered. "He was wrong. About all of it." They both fell silent. He thought about how sad it must have been for them both, to be going through all of that and having to hide. But, goddamn, he was fucking horrified for her, essentially taking a backseat in her own life? Hell, if he had a woman like Zoe, he'd be shouting it from the rooftops. This woman had been treated like garbage by his best friend and he couldn't even yell at the stupid punk about it. Why didn't he see the fucking treasure he already had? Why couldn't he just be thankful? If Steve were around, he'd put him through a wall for how he treated this kind, smart, beautiful woman who obviously adored him...Bucky had to get a hold of himself, why was he reacting so strongly? He was forced out of his own head when she started speaking again.

"Was he? I mean, look at me? Even during the blip, he obviously could've done better." Zoe scoffed. "Trauma or not, I was just a well-trained shoulder to cry on and a convenient lay. Don't get me wrong, the first year or so was awesome. He's every bit the human golden retriever most people thought he was, but when he started talking about kids, I should've known...but he swore he loved me. Said he needed me. Said he wanted to do this family thing together, whatever it looked like...and I'm such a fucking idiot, I bought it."

"Why's that?" Bucky asked, trying not to pry, while also not tipping his hand that he thought so highly of her already. "Like you said, it was a strange time..."

"Yeah, strange enough that someone like him was wasting time with someone like me." Zoe spat out. "I was a place holder, nothing more."

"I think you're wrong..." Bucky sighed. "...he was the fucking idiot." The entire situation sounded completely insane to him. He never knew Steve could be so cruel. Selfish, sure, but this? It struck him as so odd that there also was never any mention of marriage, considering how traditional Steve was, and is that what she meant by "place holder"? Because he went back and married Peggy not long after? Plus, if he knew what he wanted, it was kind of a dick move to try and force a family on someone who wasn't ready. The whole thing seemed so out of character for Steve, but it was such an unimaginably sad and awful time, he guessed that he was just looking for anything to be happy about. Was he actually trying to hide his relationship with her from the world? Maybe she had a point about it being a convenient situation, but holy shit...no wonder why she didn't want Sam to know.

"Whatever, none of it matters now. He went back and got his happy ending, and fuck everyone else, right?" Zoe scoffed. "You know, I don't begrudge him going back for her...I really don't...but why couldn't he take you with him? His best fucking friend? Maybe save you from a lifetime of torture and agony?"

"Oh, that..." Bucky sighed. "...believe it or not, there's a pretty simple explanation. Basically, Steve was frozen for 70 years, dormant. Me, I wasn't always frozen or dormant. By him going back, it wouldn't change anything major...me, not so much." He raked his hands through his hair nervously. "The things I did as the other guy, they had consequences, good and bad...if I went back, it would have caused potentially catastrophic effects. Bruce explained it much better, but the gist of it is, Steve going back, not too big a deal. Me going back, potentially a very big deal...plus it wouldn't change the fact that I'd still remember every awful thing I did. It would alter things for everyone else, not me."

"So you got the shit end of the stick again? Because Steve had choices and you didn't? That hardly seems fair, James." Zoe put her hand on his shoulder. "How are you so zen about this?"

"What else can I do? My past is too complicated to be changed, so I'm just trying to navigate the present." Bucky chuckled dryly. "My shrink would be so proud right now..."

"Terminator's shrink must be something else." Zoe smirked. "They get hazard pay for treating you?"

"Ha. No, but my guess is that Dr. Raynor gets bragging rights with all her shrink friends." He smirked back. "You know, he didn't actually say goodbye to anyone except me and Sam, if it helps."

"Not really, but thanks for trying." She smiled weakly. "Almost a decade of friendship, three of those years as more, and it's like it meant nothing to him...it just reinforces my base insecurities, you know?"

"How so? He didn't talk about you negatively, if that's what you mean..." Bucky questioned. He had to give it to his old friend, he sure knew how to complicate things. "He spoke very highly of you when he mentioned you helping."

"Sure, I'm a great little helper. But he made me think I was special, when really, I was just delusional...sorry. You don't need to hear my personal bullshit." Zoe sighed and got up to head to kitchen. "It's late, you must be starving."

"Hey." Bucky grabbed her hand. "Are you okay? Sounds like you have been keeping all of this in for a while..."

"Your shrink might believe your wild stories, mine, not so much..." Zoe tucked her hair behind her ears. "...plus, it's hard to trust anyone, even a shrink, not to sell stories to the press when the mother fucking Avengers are involved...what's so funny?"

Bucky shook his head, quietly laughing. "I'm just trying to figure out how Steve dealt with your swearing..."

"He got used to it?" Zoe shrugged. "He didn't really have much choice."