I Don't Need New Friends

22. In A Galaxy Far, Far Away

"Well, that took an unexpected turn..." Bucky sighed as Zoe tried to stop laughing after her call with Sam. "Besides, I'm way too old for him, don't you think?" He winked. He actually fucking winked at her. Maybe he could do this after all...

"Oh my god!" Zoe cracked up again. "You two are, just, wow!" The wink definitely threw her off.

"I'm a realist." Bucky deadpanned and shrugged.

"So, Mr. Realist, my place or yours for nature specials tonight?" Zoe asked. "I'm assuming you are planning on watching some?"

"Wow, that's forward, considering I'm spoken for..." Bucky smirked while internally screaming. "Whatever you want, I can't wait to see the next episode."

"Guess I'll just leave you and your new BFF Sir David Attenborough and see you in the morning, James." Zoe shook her head. "But the Star Wars room is upstairs..."

"Star Wars room?" This got his attention. "You have an entire room?"

"Technically, it's Sam's bedroom, but yes, it's the Star Wars room..." Zoe grinned. "Did you want to take a peek?"

"I thought you'd never ask..." Bucky almost jumped off the couch. "Which way?!"

"Upstairs, genius." Zoe laughed at his excitement. "First room on your left."

Bucky bounded up the stairs and she heard his gasp.

"Not bad, right?" Zoe asked when she joined him a minute later. "You know, for a girl..."

"Not bad?! This is incredible!" Bucky grinned like an idiot. "Is all this stuff from when you were a kid?"

"No, a lot of it is reissued or anniversary editions." Zoe nodded towards the bed. "The headboard I made out of my own vintage sheets, the action figures in the shadow box, and the framed poster next to the window are the only 'real' things from when I was a kid."

"Would it be okay to please touch the toys?" Bucky learned to ask before touching what people call collectibles from the Spiderkid and his geeky friends. "Did you build all these Legos yourself?"

"Look at you, knowing what a Lego is!" Zoe chuckled. "Have at it, play with anything you want." She watched him gently pick up different toys and smiled at his obvious joy. "A little more involved than what you had as a kid, no?"

"This stuff is the coolest." Bucky uttered in awe, as he picked up a replica Millennium Falcon, and flinched when it made noise. "Holy shit, it sounds just like the movie!"

"Yeah, all my various nieces and nephews fight over who gets this room when they visit." Zoe smiled. "Steve usually pulled rank and got it, too, when the crew stayed here..."

"I bet..." Bucky smiled, thinking about his old friend playing with all these toys. "I'm surprised you let kids and especially Steve touch this stuff. He once broke one of my sister's dolls just by looking at it. That kid was a fucking disaster..."

"Do you miss him?" Zoe asked gently.

"Every day..." Bucky sighed. "...but I know he finally got the life he fought so hard for...Shit, I shouldn't have said that...oh god, I'm so sorry." He caught himself and felt awful for saying that to her.

"Don't be. Like I said, I don't begrudge him for going back to her." Zoe interrupted and put a hand on his shoulder. "You said he was happy with how things turned out, right? Yes, his methods were questionable as shit, but he earned it a million times over." She stood closer to him and looked up into his eyes that were betraying him. "What about you? You planning to settle down, have some baby cyborgs, teach them the ways of the Jedi?" She smiled, trying to lighten the mood.

"Me? I don't know..." Bucky took a deep breath. "Back then, sure. It's all anybody wanted...but I'm not that guy anymore. Haven't been in a long time. Also, I didn't get the same serum Steve did, who knows what nasty shit it could do to a kid." He shrugged and looked at the floor. "And this might be a little too much for a kid to handle, you know?" He looked at his arm. "Plus, I'd be afraid of hurting them..."

"What are you talking about? Sarah's kids love you!" Zoe squeezed his shoulder. "If it's the arm that's holding you back, ditch it. You said yourself that you can function without it."

"It's not just the arm. It's who it's attached to..." He conceded. "I'm still way too fucked up for that. Even after all the therapy, all the Wakandan treatments, the amends, I still wake up screaming sometimes. I still have days where I can't get out of bed because I'm trapped in a loop of depression and self-loathing. Hell, just ask Sam. I'm not exactly parental..."

"James, I say this with all due respect and out of friendship, but shut the fuck up." Zoe snapped. "Who the fuck is ever in the perfect mindset to have a family? Ask most people, if you had to be perfectly healthy and sane to have kids, most of us wouldn't be here. Steve's sainted mom sounded terrifying, but you guys loved her, right? You've been to the VA, you've seen your fellow PTSDers, most of them have families. If having a family is what you want, stop tripping on your own dick and do what makes you happy."

"Sage advice coming from someone who was willing to have a family she didn't exactly want..." Bucky chided without thinking, and she yanked her hand back. "I'm sorry, that was out of line."

"A little, but you're right. I'm not one to take life advice from." Zoe shrunk back a few steps. "Let me know if you need help getting the episodes to play." She walked out of the room towards her own bedroom.

"Zoe, wait..." Bucky followed her, cursing himself for being so stupid. "I didn't mean it like that."

"No? How did you mean it?" She crossed her arms, unmoved. "It sounded pretty fucking clear to me."

"What I meant was that you should do what makes you happy, too." He looked down at his feet. "I'm sorry it came out like that. I think we both need to stop tripping on our dicks, don't you?" He looked up at her and smiled shyly.

"Totally." She smiled back, flooded with relief. "Hey, are you even tired right now?"

"Not really. We haven't actually done much today." He surmised. "What's on your mind?"

"Wanna watch 'Empire Strikes Back' in my room? That way, if I fall asleep and you decide to stomp around the kitchen tomorrow morning like fucking Frankenstein, I won't be able to hear you." She elbowed him. "Go get comfortable and bring your pillows."

"Seriously?" He grinned. Holy shit, she didn't hate him after that? "Sounds great. Be right back!" and ran downstairs to get ready.

"What the hell am I doing?" Zoe internally groaned, heading into her room.