I Don't Need New Friends

19. Body Counts

"Hold on, I've been doing way more of the talking." Zoe smirked, while trying not to go to those dark places. "And did you just say you actually agreed with Tony Stark?"

"And Natalia. Why in the world would you do that? I don't care if it's Steve or Sam or the fucking Pope!" Bucky huffed. "That's crazy!"

"Correct me if I'm wrong, James, but the Pope doesn't get to do that...some nice Goy you are!" Zoe quipped. "What are you so upset about? Like I said, I had my happy, I just felt like I was paying it forward. At the time, it made sense...now I know how insane it was. I'm the one who left, remember?"

"That's fair..." he conceded. "...but I still can't believe you would essentially sacrifice yourself to please him...doesn't sound very feminist of you, Ms. Jacobs..."

"Fuck all the way off, Barnes!" Zoe laughed. "Okay, tough guy, let's leave this sad sack line of questioning behind...my turn to ask. What's your body count?" She raised an eyebrow and smirked.

"Excuse me?" Bucky choked. This took a very dark turn. "Uh, as the other guy? Officially, 168. As me, I'm not sure..."

"Holy fucking shit, you had 168 as the other guy and you can't even count all the ones you've had as yourself?!" Zoe's eyes went wide. "Are you fucking serious?!"

"Whoa, what body count are you talking about?" Bucky was flustered by her reaction. "I don't think we are talking about the same thing here...confirmed kills?"

"Oh fuck!" Zoe laughed hysterically. "Oh my god, I was talking about number of sexual partners!" She was laughing so hard she was crying. "Fucking hell!"

"Oh! Jesus!" Bucky exhaled loudly. "Holy shit, that makes a lot more sense." He laughed in relief. "That's easy, 28, total."

"As both incarnations?" Zoe was still laughing. "Or are they separated?"

"Total. Most were me, 4 were the other guy, with one being both." Bucky laughed and shook his head...

"Romanoff." They said together.

"She said you were something else when you were the other guy." Zoe smirked. "Since she's not around to kill me anymore, said she actually preferred him..."

"I'm not surprised. Natalia hated most human interaction, even after, well, you know..." Bucky laughed trying not to get flustered.

"Sex? Intercourse? Fucking?" Zoe laughed at him. "Yeah, I think that's why she put an end to her 'arrangement' with Steve while they were on the run. She said he was getting clingy."

"Wait, Nat and Steve?!?!?!?" Bucky practically shouted. "No fucking way!?!?!?!"

"Way, friend." Zoe laughed harder at his reaction. "And thank fucking god for her tutelage, or else I would have had to undo all the sloppy sad shit he learned from Sharon...also, he lost his virginity to his goddamn niece?!?!? Freud would have a field day..."

Bucky was laughing so hard he couldn't breathe.

"Seriously, you had the pleasure of Natasha's company, she was a literal sex god!" Zoe laughed. "Poor Steve probably didn't know what hit him the first dozen or so times!"

"Oh shit, that poor guy!" He was still red from laughing. "Oh my god, he must have been so scared of her!"

"Yup." Zoe snickered. "I like to think I was the happy medium between the two..."

"Oh really? So, what about you?" Bucky laughed. "What's your death toll?"

"Body count, you idiot!" Zoe howled with laughter. "Oh my god!" She had to catch her breath. "Uh, 7?"

"Wait, you don't know?" Bucky laughed harder.

"Of course I know, dumbass! I'm just feeling like a prude in front of Mr. 28!" She laughed. "Some of us are not as unnaturally hot as you Avenger types, thanks...though to be honest, I kinda thought your 'fondue' number would be closer to your other number, considering everyone talked about you being such a player."

"In my day, 28 might as well have been 168." Bucky groaned in embarrassment. "It wasn't something I was necessarily proud of..."

"Whatever, I've had plenty of World War 2 vets as patients over the years..." Zoe snarked. "...you guys were hardly monks."

"No, we certainly were not." Bucky shook his head. "Wait, did I count Nat twice?"

"You tell me! That's your call, sir." Zoe smirked. "I mean, it's Nat, she would probably count more than twice for pure little Steve..."

"Do I dare even ask?" Bucky looked sheepishly at her. "Did he figure it out?"

"Holy fuckballs, yes!" Zoe cackled. "Like I said, thank gawd for Nat! Let's just say Peggy owes her more than she could ever know..."

"Wow." Bucky actually blushed. "Who knew Steve Rogers would be good in bed?"

"Most of the time, yes he was. He took direction well..." Zoe smirked, watching Bucky squirm. "Though we weren't exactly 'in the mood' very often towards the end. Something about being accused of everything shy of witchcraft by the person you're in love with kinda kills the libido, you know?"

"Yeah, mind control and Russian prisons kind of have a similar effect." He conceded, then noticed her face fall. "But some of those old Russian safe houses, I don't know, they were like aphrodisiacs for Natalia..."

"Fascinating and also kind of gross...Oh! I've got one!" Zoe yelled. "Were you really Steve's first pity kiss?"

"Pity kiss?" Bucky laughed. "Come on, the puny little punk was terrified of girls! I tried to teach him with the back of his hand...he was beyond hopeless."

"So you were!" Zoe clapped her hands in glee like a dork. "That's one story I actually found really sweet..."

"Glad you thought it was sweet. That idiot almost puked on me!" Bucky chuckled. "I think he actually did puke on his date later that night, poor guy..."

"Nice to know that one was true." Zoe smiled. "Wait, were all of your conquests women?"

"Yes, but I'm comfortable enough to admit that kissing Steve was actually very nice." Bucky smirked. "What about you?"

"All men...but I've made out with a few women in my day." Zoe raised an eyebrow. "Including our fair Natasha..."

"Really?" Bucky raised an eyebrow back. "Did Steve know?"

"Dude, he was there!" Zoe laughed.

"WHAT?!?!" Bucky yelled. "That little punk!"

"Oh god, not like that! It was at a Stark party, those guys loved playing drunk truth or dare." Zoe rolled her eyes. "Though truthfully I don't think Steve minded watching!"

"You making out with Romanoff?" Bucky narrowed his eyes. "Nobody minded watching...in fact, I can't believe I missed that..." he laughed nervously, trying not to blush thinking about the two women.

"Sam might still have it on his phone." Zoe reported plainly.

"What?!?!?" Bucky pulled out his phone. "We are definitely going to be asking Sam about that one..."

"Seriously? It's not that big a deal." Zoe shook her head. "Nat made out with almost everyone. It was kind of like her seal of approval."

"So it would seem..." Bucky smiled. "...I miss her."

"Me too..." Zoe chuckled. "...she had the softest lips."

"Definitely." Bucky laughed. "Among other things..."