Desire - Merddison

Chapter Thirty Four

All Meredith could do throughout the night was toss and turn as sleep eluded her. She waited and waited for Addison to come over like she said she would, but as the hours began to pass, she knew she wasn't coming. Those all too familiar feelings of abandonment came rushing back to Meredith. That gnawing feeling, the feeling you get in the pit of your stomach when the anxiety becomes to intense that you feel as if the inside of you is twisting. Or when it becomes so intense that it feels as if your legs have turned into jelly and your chest is to tight, it feels as if there isn't enough oxygen in the world. Meredith was experiencing every single one of those things. So sleep just felt impossible. She had sent a text to Addison at least two hours ago and it was only now that she had received a reply from her.

M: Are you not staying tonight then? x

A: I'm sorry Mer, I've had to stay back at the hospital, one of my patients became emergent x

Meredith looked at the message before putting her phone back down on the bedside table and once again attempted to fall asleep. Her thoughts becoming too loud for her to bare. How ironic, the dad who basically abandoned her is now at the hospital and around every single corner she turns, as a constant reminder that he just left her life, and now she felt like her girlfriend was doing the same thing. This morning, everything was fine. It was better than fine, they'd had mind-blowing sex and Addison was able to play out one of her fantasies, everything this morning was normal. But now over the course of one day, everything had changed, things felt like they had just been turned upside down with no warning at all. Even when Meredith had bumped into Addison in the hallway at the hospital earlier, she had seemed suddenly to distant. Part of her was dreading seeing Addison at work tomorrow thanks to the all consuming fear that Addison just simply didn't want to be with her anymore.

As Meredith's eyelids became heavier and heavier, she was grateful at the idea of finally getting some sleep. However, once she did finally drift off, it wasn't a peaceful sleep. It was nightmare filled instead, each and every one of them were different scenarios of Addison leaving her. It was safe to say, that losing Addison had become one of the blonde's biggest fears now.

***

Meanwhile, in an empty on-call room, silently crying to herself, laid Addison. She wished she could turn back time and not realise what the date was. That she could go back to this morning and stay blissfully unaware of the fact that this week, she would have been giving birth to Mark Sloan's baby. Guilt was the only thing she had been able to feel. Guilt because Mark was roaming the halls all miserable and pissed at her, and guilt because of how she's just treated her girlfriend. She didn't have any patients that had become emergent. How could she have lied to Meredith? She knew Meredith didn't deserve that, and part of her hates herself for doing that to her. But she just needed to be alone, and she didn't want to tell Meredith why, in fear that Meredith would be angry at her for never telling her before about the abortion, but also because Meredith had enough on her plate right now. Such as her dead beat dad constantly showing up around the hospital. She knew of her girlfriend's feelings toward her father, so she knew just how hard and enraging it was for Meredith to suddenly see him so often, especially with his new family. Addison didn't want to add to that stress, she didn't want to be a burden to Meredith. She was supposed to be looking after her and making sure she was okay and being her shoulder to cry on, instead she lied to her and decided to spend the night in an on call room where she was alone with her thoughts and her guilt. Her hand slipped down to her stomach, as if she was feeling for a bump. A bump that would have been there today. A baby with Mark was something she just didn't want. She wanted a baby, but with Derek. But now, she just didn't know. The few things she did know, was that she wanted to be with Meredith... she had just lied to Meredith, she felt guilt for an abortion all those months ago, for hurting Mark so deeply when she had said abortion, and for hurting Meredith right now.