Desire - Merddison

Chapter Twenty One

Hi guys. So obviously I have pre written over 30 chapters for this story so all I need to do most of the time is a quick edit or just publish it. However, even that might be slow at the moment. Me and my girlfriend have broken up and it's hit me really hard. To the point that I'm no longer 3 years clean from SH. So my mental health has taken a HUGE hit so coming onto here and simply pressing the publish button is even just too much for me at the moment. I will try to get the chapters out at a regular pace but if I don't, please don't worry, the story hasn't been stopped, it will continue as I love writing this, it's just that I'm not in the right frame of mind to be writing right now so if I publish chapters too quickly, then I'll run out of pre written work and will end up being an even longer wait whilst I write new chapters.

But enough of that. And as always, I hope you enjoy x

Addison's POV

The door to the exam room comes flying open whilst me and Meredith are adjusting our sex hair. Both of us look over to the door in pure shock as Callie stands there, mouth agape, not knowing what to say.

"Uh, Meredith... a uh, a nurse told me to come and get you. It's Izzie." She tells Meredith, still flicking her eyes between the two of us. Meredith nods and I quickly exit the room just before Meredith does. I'm not sure what's happened with Izzie. But I walk back to where the prom is being held whilst Meredith goes to wherever Izzie is.

That was the most mind blowing sex I've ever had. It was literally the best sex I've ever had in my entire life. And it was with a woman. A woman. A woman who happens to be my husband's ex girlfriend. Damn this just became so much more complicated than before. I feel so guilty at the same time. I commited adultery again, on Derek. But is it really adultery if you know your marriage is over because your husband doesn't love you, but loves the woman that you've just spent the last hour or so fucking? Is it really that, if it felt so right and so damn good? I mean, yes it still is. And so that's twice I've done this to Derek. The last thing I would ever want to do is hurt him again. But it's so clear that he doesn't want me anymore, that he doesn't love me and that me and him are really over.

I arrive back into the area where the prom is and I see Finn still standing there, he seems to be looking around for Meredith. And then I feel even more guilty when I see him looking worried. I go to walk up to him, just to speak to him and tell him that she's had to go to Izzie, that I overheard Callie telling her. I can't say what actually happened. But just as I begin to walk towards him, Derek sees me and approaches me before pulling me away from the crowd.

"Addison, where have you been? You've been gone for almost an hour." He says to me, looking confused. I can tell by his eyes when he looks at me that there's no love there anymore.

"I, uh, I went for some fresh air, then to the restroom. I sat there for a bit, I felt a bit sick and didn't want to leave until I was sure I wouldn't throw up." I barely make eye contact with him as a lie through my teeth to him.

"Oh.. okay. Um, have you seen Meredith?" He asks me. Probably asking because he wants to find her and confess his love to her. But I immediately begin to blush when he says her name, I can feel my cheeks heat up almost instantly.

"Um, no, no, no I um, I haven't seen her. Why?" I stammer back to him.

"Are you okay? You've gone bright red."

"I uh, I just feel a bit sick again." I lie once again.

"Shepherd." Richard says as both me and Derek turn to face him not knowing which one of us he was addressing since everyone calls the both of us Shepherd. I guess Montgomery-Shepherd was too long for some people.

"Uh have either of you two seen Bailey's interns? Grey? Yang? I'm looking for Izzie Stevens in particular." He asks us. I once again blush at Meredith's name again, even if it is her last name.

"No." We both reply. Another lie. I have seen her. Not too long ago she was inbetween my legs. But I can't tell them that.

It turns out Denny Duqette passed away, and that's why he was looking for Stevens. They were apparently in some sort of secret relationship.

"Chief." Bailey says as she nods her head towards all of the interns walking over this way. I make direct eye contact with Meredith once again, but I quickly look away again, feeling incredibly guilty about what we had just done, but also because I know that if I look at her right now, I'll give in to the desire that is still burning inside me, and fuck her right here right now. And that would just be inappropriate.

"It was me. I cut the LVAD wire. I did it. No one helped me. And now... I thought I was a surgeon, but... I can't. I thought I was a surgeon, but I'm not. So I quit." Izzie said to the chief as she carried on walking down the stairs and out of the hospital.

"I guess that... puts an end to the evening." I say quietly.

"Yeah." Derek agrees.

"Yeah, I guess it does."  Richard also agrees, looking stressed.

Everyone else walks off apart from me, Meredith, Derek and Finn. Finn walks up to Meredith, who is subtly staring at me, trying to do so without other people realising that it's me she's staring at.

"Come on. I'll drive you home." He says to her but she doesn't move her feet. Derek hasn't realised that I'm also still stood her and calls her name whilst also staring at her.

Finn looks towards Meredith, then to Derek and then to me when I also say her name. I don't know why I said her name. But I did. Not really knowing what I would say if she walked up to me right now in front of Derek and Finn. But she still doesn't move. She makes eye contact with me again, then looks to the other two once again. Still rooted to the spot, looking confused, not knowing what to do or where to go. 

***

Meredith's POV

All three of them stand there, looking at me. I'm rooted to the spot, unable to move my legs. The person I want to go with is Addison. But I can't. Because I'll hurt Finn, and he's a great guy. And I feel so guilty, especially when I enjoyed it so damn much. I can't deny my feelings for Addison any longer. Especially now that she knows how I feel about her. And the way Derek is standing there saying my name, and he way he's looking at me just makes my heart break for Addison. Because he should be looking at her in that way. She is his wife. He should love her. Have feelings and thoughts for her. Not me. All of mine for him have gone. Completley. But he doesn't understand just how lucky he is to be married to Addison, or even someone like Addison. He is the luckiest man on this planet. And I wish he realised that. I feel so so guilty that he is standing here looking at me like this when he has the perfect woman right behind him. I feel guilty FOR Addison, because her husband has given up, her husband doesn't want her, doesn't love her, and the idea of her feeling unwanted and unloved breaks my heart.

I can't do this right now. I can't go with Finn. I can't go with Derek. I want to go with Addison. But I can't do that right now, because Finn is here. And I don't wanna hurt him. I know that he needs to know that me and him aren't going to go any further because I just don't have the same feelings for him that I have for her.

So I run. I left my dress and run down the hall, down the stairs and out of the hospital. Running away. Because right now, I just really can't do this. I'm too conflicted. I have too much guilt. Guilt because this will hurt Finn, but also because I enjoyed it much and it felt so good doing it. Too much guilt.

So I run.