I Still Miss You 💔. By A.ZChaudhry

Chapter 4

Many less people read this book as compared to TMAHLQ, but those of you who even take out time to read it? You mean a lot to me and the main reason that I still keep updating here that atleast................. someone is reading. So, thank you so much. Much love your way.

XANDROS

Harvard admins took my matter into consideration and I was actually glad when they decided to let me go on a hundred percent scholarship for my first year, as I could figure out how to meet expenses during that year to support the rest of my education. My scholarship was already eighty percent when they upgraded it after I told them everything, showing them the death certificates and medical reports as proof.

Today was the first day, mild hot wind was blowing through the air, easing my heart out just a bit. Getting out of bed after burying dad had been too difficult for me. What was more difficult was the fact that I didn't even get to mourn his death properly. Three days after his burial and here I am, walking towards the main campus to attend my first class.

I wrote a letter to my family yesterday, keeping those letters in my drawer. I knew they will never read those but I wanted to one day meet them and show them these. Show them for how they all ruined me and left me in this messy world all alone. To show them how much I missed them and how lonely everything was without any of the three.

I didn't feel like eating anything today and so, I left with an empty stomach as even the thought of food made me want to do nothing but just puke without even having a bite.

I inserted my hands inside my pockets, kept my head low and just walked towards the main entrance, constant flashes of my family's smiles coming behind my eyes, hurting me daily. Dad laughing, mum smiling and little Tobs giggling........... their images constantly came back into my mind, resurfacing over my memories, making me feel the pain in the wound go deeper and deeper and fucking deeper.

I wanted to just wallow in their remembrance and just find a shoulder on which I could cry on but it was all me now. The empty house, empty driveway, lonely kitchen, bedrooms, hallways............ every single one of them went by within a year and half. Something that I had never expected.

I entered the main entrance only to be met by a flood of students. Instant noise entered my ears and I pinched my eyes close before opening them. I hated noise now. I loathed it as it just reminded me of the now inevitable silence in my own home. I hated seeing people laughing, smiling and giggling along. I just hated them without even sparing them a second glance. Taking out my headphones, I put on the song, "Play this when I'm gone- Machine Gun Kelly." and just made my way towards my locker to deposit the extra books and then head over to class.

*

Business Administration was as dumb as a rubber duck expected to come to life. I was always weak in that subject, since my highschool. Dad had gotten me a teacher and that was the only reason I could work at a better place and graduate with an eighty-eight percent in that. Pretty decent. Accounting had always been my favourite subject when I graduated with a ninety-six percent. Amazing, in my opinion. And that's the reason, I fairly understood the 'Accounting and Finance' class a lot, way better than 'Business Administration' which was such a waste of time.

I entered home and placed my keys on the kitchen counter and sat there as my head was pounding like ever. I closed my eyes and massaged my head when I called mum,

"Mama!!! What's for lunch?"

There was a brain splitting headache going up my cerebrum when I again shouted, as I needed something to eat before having medicine, "MAMA!!!!"

There was still no response when I got up in irritation and had just swiveled around when it dawned on me. The reality dawned on me as the dark living room stared back at me. Dad's, mum's and Toby's pictures hung on the wall alongside mine when I slowly walked up to it. I turned on a light to see their happy faces gazing back at me. One portrait for each member of the family. I looked at dad, missing my old man so much. Then I looked at mum, missing the queen that left this house a whole year ago and then there was me. This picture was of mine when I was three years old. Toby wasn't born yet, it was just the three of us and I was grinning from ear to ear.

Dimples could be seen, my extremely small white teeth could be seen and I looked so............ genuinely happy. As if I was actually so happy. I slowly took off my portrait and held it in my hands when I stared at it. This was me. When I was three. When everything was fine, when mum and dad both were here, when mum used to give me a bath every alternate day and let me play with the bubbles.

When dad would deliberately turn off the internet on his computer so that I could play the dinosaur game as I loved it. When I would ask help from my dad to steal cupcakes from the fridge and we both would munch it down before mom woke up. Yeah. That was me. Sixteen years ago. A damn damn long time ago.

I looked upwards and saw Toby's portrait when I smiled. To match our ages, mum and dad also took one of his when he was three years old, so his pose and mine was technically the same. Toby and I both looked like mum a lot, except our noses, cheeks and eye colour. That was dad's. Sea green. Mum had silver eye colour while the rest of us had sea green. Fucking beautiful.

Placing my portrait on the sofa, I took off mum's and Toby's portrait. Hanging mum's one where mine was, I hanged Toby's where mum's was, so that his picture was between mum and dad. The three angels that were gone too soon. I managed to crack a smile as tears pooled in my eyes. Clenching and unclenching my fist, I took in deep breaths and just tried to calm myself down as this was my life now. They were gone, without a word and were never coming back. As long as I had my life left here? It was me all alone.

I had to work and find a job to make expenses meet, otherwise, I would have to drop out of university and I never wanted to do that. I picked up my portrait, went to the store room and quietly placed it in the corner, away from view. I didn't want my picture there anymore. It would just hurt me more as memories would revive back that this family was once a family, all true, all living and all together. Under one roof.

They, on the wall, were more than enough to bring a smile on my face. Atleast, I did get to spend some time together, if not all. Yes, they missed my first day of my Undergraduate Programme, yes they will miss my ending of semesters, my graduation, my first day of job, my first paycheck, maybe my wedding, my kids........... every single birthday of mine. Yes, they wouldn't be here for any of that but atleast......... I sniffled and looked at the little basketball which Toby used to play with dad, I did get to spend some of my time with them. I did get to make memories even if they were less.

Maybe in the next world, if not this.

Maybe at the other side, if not this.

Maybe.......... maybe the pain would be worth it for when we reunite. Maybe.

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The next chapter is far more interesting in this asssssss:

1) Ava comes.

2) Xandros has a heated conversation with his professor in front of the whole class for the first time.

*

So, stay tuned for the next chapter as the book will start getting better than before.

Peace!

A.ZChaudhry

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