He's laying next to me right now and I don't know what to do.
I've been with Caleb for some time now, around seven months. Seven months is long for me. I've never had a boyfriend before. Just futile crushes on guys who would never dream of chatting to a girl like me. I care for Caleb, truly I do. Yet I cannot deny that there is a small part of me that wishes I hadn't gone to meet him that gorgeous summer evening. A small part of me that has been growing into something much bigger over the last few months.
"You should socialize more around my friends" was what he said to me last night with a sour edge to his voice after I had shut the door behind us. We had just got back from a meal with a few of his work mates, and I had been tired and ready for bed for some time.
How can you explain to your significant other that you have the social skills of a door, childhood trauma that prevents you from opening up to anyone completely, and that you have the world's most introverted personlity known to man? Because I don't know. This has been making it hard for me in this relationship. Caleb, despite being sweet and sexy most of the time, is the complete opposite to me. So completely opposite that I genuinely don't think we share any interests or similarities. We are so different and it is starting to show more than ever.
He's just turned over in his sleep and I can smell the familiar comforting aroma that his hair always seems to carry. I want to sink my nose into it, but I pull myself back.
Drawing myself up I turn to position my back against the wall and look down upon him. What now? Last night's fight definitely displayed many of the unspoken frustrations we have had towards one another over the last few months through shouting, crying, misunderstanding, and make up embraces. Although we ended up falling asleep in one another's arms, it's clear to us both that a stain has been left behind that can't be removed. Is this some sort of sign? Is this an indication that we won't work? Am I just over exaggerating and really this is just a normal thing to occur in most healthy relationships? Most healthy relationships have arguments early on during the dating stage right? Right?
To keep things real, I'm half way decided on staying put in his bed and half way decided on leaving his ass forever. I know my family disapprove everything about him, but they don't see what I see in him that drew me to him in the first place. I can't explain it, he just has so much love and potential within himself, but it saddens me because his past has hurt him in such a way that opening the real him up doesn't come easy. It's not easy at all. I think that's one reason why I have ignored many of the red flags: I'm determined to get him to open up and take me as someone who won't do him wrong like everyone else has...but the pain this determination is giving me is making me want to leave more than ever. Not because I don't care for him, but because I don't think he will ever understand how much I do for him without him even realising. The way I watch my mouth, the way I talk about him to my family, the way I write about him, the way I dream about him, the way I hold myself back so I don't seem like an annoying, clingy, pyscho girlfriend.
I do so much for him without him realising, yet I still feel like he accuses me of doing wrong. Wrong in ways that I could never do. Cheat? Cheat because a guy looked my way? I don't like accusations threatening my peace of mind. I don't like accusations as I see them as a way of control. And control is not what I want in a relationship, otherwise I'd end up like my mum and dad.
My childhood has been, hmm, let's say it's been bumpy. Not straightforward. Mum and dad? Should have gotten a divorce timeeee ago. However, they did not and so they have stayed together for over twenty seven years, despite the clear as daylight fact that they cannot stand being in each other's company. Watching the way my dad would comment on my mum's clothing choices, her hair, if she was wearing that red lipstick for attention from other men, getting angry at the fact that she stayed home instead of work to take care of her four restless children...it has turned me into a bitter and nervous wreck when it comes to wanting to form my own relationships. Many times I have seen my parents get along, but compared to the other miserable times? They seem like one in a hundred. The rare happy times have come about after mornings spent in anger, and after enough alcohol and cigarettes have been consumed to calm my dad's nerves. So I guess you can say I have some trauma. It doesn't help that I was deeply bullied at school either...by boys. The one gender every girl wants to get approval from. If a good looking guy calls you beautiful and seems to really mean it, then that's it. Your life will be joyful forever. If a good looking guy, or any guy in fact, calls you ugly, let me tell you it hurts like hell. Little girls take comments seriously. So seriously that they will stick with them for the rest of their lives and hold the power to bring tears if she thinks too hard about them. I was (am) that girl. And I hate myself for it because it causes me to be incapable of taking compliments seriously. "Nah they must be lying", "urgh, this is so cringe, they cannot mean that surely", "I want to die" are the sort of ways I react mentally to a compliment behind my fake "thank you".
Caleb compliments me, and yes it flatters me but not in the way it would have if I had never been bullied into viewing myself with hate in the first place. I cannot take it seriously, yet I crave him to compliment me as it makes me feel like maybe, at least maybe, he won't drop me for some other girl just yet. Losing him has scared me before, but recently I've been debating the fact that although losing and giving him up will bring me immense pain, it will be the best thing for my mental health to get out of this sticky and unstable relationship that hasn't even really begun.
Some would say that what I suffer and seek from Caleb stems from me having 'Daddy Issues'. Maybe it is, I don't know. All I know is that Caleb gives me a shoulder to lean on in which no male has ever given me in the comforting and protective way I seem to want. I use to get along with my dad. I was considered a "daddy's girl" when I was young and naive to how he really treated my poor mum. Yes I love him and I am forever grateful for him going to work and providing for us, but I will always have an odd bond with him after growing up and witnessing the ugliness of his heart.
My coping mechanism throughout life has always been to ignore the hate whilst I study my heart out to get good grades. The only time I let myself ever dwell on the negativity was in my sleep when I couldn't avoid the overpowering thoughts. I would cry myself into oblivion, not telling anyone. Telling someone made me feel weak. It made me feel like I was doing it for attention. So I would keep quiet until I burst, and when I burst it still felt like no one really understood how I was truly feeling or could offer me the help I sought. I would dream of a boy who would save me from everything and myself as no one in my life seemed to offer me that. So I can see why some may say Caleb might be my way of trying to heal from my past....and sometimes I wonder whether I am Caleb's way of trying to heal from his past too.
