failed attempts to fly

and i don't want the world to see me

As soon as I turned the corner of the alleyway, away from his view, I immediately regretted it. I grumbled, stomping my way to the car.

As Daichi rangled the intoxicated ones, I walked to the passenger's side, slammed the door, and crossed my arms.

"Why did you do that?!" I huffed angrily. Even the drunks in the back sobered up a smidge. "I told you not to pick me up!" I was angry at myself, mostly, and I was taking it out on the designated driver.

"Ooooooh, Daichi's in trouble."
"Shhhhh, he'll hear you."

The back commentators were failing at whispering.

"It's the middle of the night, Rin. Now is not the time."

All I wanted to do was go back—run back, and apologize to Iwaizumi. I pushed him away because I was afraid. I told him to let go, but I wanted him to hold me and tell me everything would be okay.

I ruined everything.

"Have you calmed down?" He stood by my doorframe, like in the good old days.

"Mhm." I mumble on my pillow, "Sorry for snapping at you."

Daichi assured me there was nothing to be sorry for and accepted my apology anyway before apologizing himself for meddling.

"Do you want to tell me about him?" He sits in the familiarity of the edge of my bed, like a million times before, ready to listen.

I shook my head no, but he waited anyway because he knew I'd break sooner or later.

Which I did, telling him everything and anything that was on my mind. How I met Iwaizumi, and what the argument was about.

"Has anyone ever told you that you're stubborn?" He sarcastically asks because he has never been shy of pointing that out to me. It was clear that he thought all the fake scenarios I made up were what I was angry about. And my snapping at a confused Iwaizumi without even giving him a chance to explain was not the best outcome to soothe my concerns.

He's right. He's always fucking right that it's a bit irritating sometimes.

"Talk to him, alright? Tell him how you feel, all of it."

"Yeah, okay" I roll my eyes in defiance, even though I know I should.

Good night.

He said as one does. Unbeknownst to him, my eyes remained wide open.

Every once in a while, it creeps up in me, the complete and utter despair, immobilizing me, crippling in immense sadness I can't run away from.

I should have known it was bound to happen eventually. A manic state doesn't last very long. But manic? What even is that? For me, it's more like more numbness and less pain. There are no bursts of energy or the need to figure out the world's problems. It's just me. Still sad, still quiet. Just me.

There's no rhyme or reason, no monthly calendar to tell me when it's coming. But when it does, it's like a void is calling me home, like all the pain that I thought I healed from immerses, reminding me that I am nothing but a shell of a person—I am nothing.

*******************************

My eyes focus on my toes, bare feet on the pavement.

I don't have to look up to know the billboard to know the perfumed woman staring directly at me on this lonely roof.

I haven't had this dream in a while, lucid dreaming. I think it's what's happening.

My eyes glance at the empty roof, hoping, pathetically, that someone would be there. I hoped that he would be there, with warmth and no judgment, reminding me that even in a dream, I'm not alone.