failed attempts to fly

i've waited here for you

It's almost like a hypnotic trance. No matter what Rin does, I can't seem to look away.

I'm almost embarrassed knowing she'll look over at me any second and catch me admiring her.

She never looks, though. She's always so laser-focused on what she's doing. She says she's unsure if drawing is her calling. But when her pencil starts moving, I can feel the world-shaking. A tiny wrinkle in between her eyebrows as she chews the inside of her lip, small ticks she has. All of which I wished to memorize.

I can always tell what kind of music she's listening to by how she taps her foot.

When it's heavy metal, the strokes of her pencil are faster and more rugged. And when it's soft music, the strokes are gentle as she adds to the white paper.

I asked her once what her favorite song was. But she answered in a very Rin way, saying she doesn't have a favorite song. "They are all uniquely beautiful. I can't pick just one."

But truthfully, I wanted to ask which of all her favorites reminds her most of me.

Do the songs with the lyrical genius that emanates love make her think of me?

Or is it the upbeat music, the one that makes her uncontrollably dance along with the beat, the one that brings her such joy?

************************

She asked me how I made it through the front door all those months ago, and I told her it was a secret, and she left it at that. It was as if she didn't need any more explanation, none that mattered to her anyway.

"You're here. That's all that matters." She whispered.

After Daichi and I spoke, there was a sting on my chest. A sensation of fatigue of sorts, like when I run uphill for an extended amount of time. Like I couldn't catch my breath. A never-ending trudge of desperation, and I'd feel the sharp pain forever.

If only she was there. If I run faster, will she be at the top waiting for me?

I remember my legs moving, almost robotically, like my body knew where it needed to go—to her.

"Iwaizumi?" The front door opened, and silvery hair greeted me with confusion, "what are you—oh. Oh." That is all Suga said after that, with a beaming smile. Because I didn't need to explain to him why I was there, my face gave it away.

"Who's at the door?" His voice was a few notches deeper than Suga's, standing a few inches taller than me.

The wall. The wall was blocking my path. I knew it was a matter of time before I had to face it.

Rin expressed hesitance for me to meet her overprotective brother. Like most siblings, that is an understandable concern.

But Rio was Rio. And that itself didn't need any explanation.

We used to be closer when we first met. We shared the same vices, the coping mechanism as a means to escape—a bottle of jack.

I'd be beside him, rolling with the punches, faded and numb. It took a second trip to the emergency room to finally get my shit together. It wasn't even my health that made me come to my senses, but a person. The only person in this world that was more stubborn than me. "You're poisoning yourself to death, Hajime." He only ever used my first name when it was something serious.

But it was Oikawa scolding me that made me stop. It was his face, full of pain, worry, and tears. He threatened me by saying if I didn't stop, he'd join me down the rabbit hole. If it were anyone else, I'd call out their bluff. But not Oikawa. He is my best friend, after all.