Party Favor [H.S.]

any special request?

I wish it was nice out, but it look like rain
Grey skies are driftin', not livin' forever
They told me it only gets better

...

Elliot Apollo Styles.

My beautiful baby boy. We were currently in the nursery feeding, and I couldn't help but be in awe. Nobody tells you that the worst part of motherhood is watching them grow. It's the feeling of being happy for their development, yet sad that time is passing by. Running my finger over his cheek, I smiled while looking down at him. He was only three months old now, and he had so much personality inside of him that my mind couldn't wrap around it. Harry argued that he looked like me, which I agree with to an extent.

There were other traits that they shared that Harry just couldn't see; like their personality. Elliot and Harry were both goofballs, and I have seen that each time they're playing. Elliot was at the milestone of becoming more alert and sociable. He would let out a few giggles with others, but with Harry, he laughed the hardest. It was this deep belly laugh that made me wish I could live in the moment forever just to hold on to it. Another thing that I knew for certain was that they shared the same smile. It was almost as if they were purposely mirroring each other. Elliot's smile was something that I looked forward every day to see because I had been missing it for the past three months from my person.

If someone had asked me to summarize my relationship with not only Harry but myself, the only word that would be on the tip of my tongue is, strange. I've tried to adjust as time went along, but I can't find my footing. Having Elliot was my proudest accomplishment in life, there are no regrets that I have regarding him.

The only regret that I have is not understanding or preparing enough for how much my life would be balancing our relationship, raising a child, and trying to figure out what my body was going through. No matter how many books you read, or classes you go to nothing could prepare you for motherhood. My mind and body were at this stage of confusion and madness. Often it felt as if my mind was removed from my body, and was working on its own. It was on this constant loop that I couldn't figure out how to break.

Things have been strange since I woke up confused after a near-death experience. My entire world shifted for something that I didn't prepare for. That's another weird thing about surviving a traumatic event; no matter your mental state, life goes on. No matter what you just suffered from; the sun rises and sets each day. The birds will chirp like the day before, while you're stuck with the baggage.

Many women talk about the positive side of pregnancy, but people forget to mention how your mind alters in a way it seems it won't ever be the same again. There is an anxiety that feels so suffocating sometimes I forget to breathe. It takes control of my mind in a way I've never felt. I'm constantly worrying if I'm doing enough for him or if I'm failing at being a mother. It's so mentally crippling at times, I didn't know how to help it. It was constant intrusive thoughts that would pass by in my head that even I was afraid to admit to out loud.

Not to mention, while my mind feels as if it is deteriorating, my physical appearance shifted in a way that I couldn't even look at myself in the mirror. I didn't want Harry to see my body at all. I just couldn't let him. Trying to learn how to accept your new body, while you feel as if you can't stand yourself just adds to it all.

I've not made it anywhere to the stage of acceptance. I'm in a current state of disgust and self-pity. There's a way now that I look in the mirror that I know I didn't before. I try to remind myself that my body was just a home to my son, and sure some days that did get me by enough to stomach this insecurity. It wasn't enough to change my mind though.  My mind decides to point out each flaw that it can manage to a body that has altered in a way I don't recognize.