feeling his presence, every second ♡︎

-1-

I once heard that when you meet your soulmate; your life turns around. I never believed this to be true until I met Ben.  He was my first true love and I realized this as the years passed. When I met Ben I thought "Okay this is it, I found him." All of a sudden it wasn't it.

Before I tell you about the heartbreak, I want to tell you about the happy times. 

In 2002, I was called to do this movie called Gigli. All I knew about it was that my character was lesbian, her fake name was Ricky, and Ben Affleck would be my costar. I was extremely familiar with his work and I could say I always had a bit of a crush on him but it was a minor thing. I started working with him and he didn't have a terrible personality as I expected. He actually became my best friend.

Until both of us started developing feelings and he finally told me. Best day of my life. I'll never forget what he said.

"You know what Jennifer? I've been trying to ignore the signs but someone asked me the other day why I am the way that I am around you and I told them the truth. I love you, I am in love with you, I didn't want to ruin your marriage but you deserved to hear the truth from me and nobody else. I just had the best month of my life with you, Jennifer."

There was a brief pause and I was speechless.

"A few years ago I didn't even know what your middle name or even what your favorite color was but now I can tell everyone that your favorite color is green because it is your lucky color. That you're middle name is Lynn and you like it because it goes perfectly with the rest of your name. I also happen to know that you like light foundation because you like your natural glow to show. And you know what? It hurts that you-"

" Shut up, just shut up." Then I walked up and kissed him. Then in November of that same year; we got engaged. It seemed quick to others but we knew we were meant to be so it didn't matter to us.

The media attention on us continued to grow and it got to a point where we couldn't even be home because there was always someone watching. We always swore it would never get to us but it did which caused us to break up. It's what was best but it was still the worst day of my life.

I remember the sleepless nights, the "I miss him" cries, the depression, and most of all I remember the constant reminders of how I lost him.

"Ben Affleck got cold feet 4 days before their wedding." 

" JLO doesn't know how to stay single, she'll be fine when she finds the next guy." I wasn't.

"Ben fell in love with his,'Deadpool' and 'Pearl Harbor' Co- Star. Here are all the details." 

Even my mom loved him. She told me he was the one. She knew, and I was naive to think so too. The fact that we also filmed jersey girl together and we filmed a wedding scene made me hopeful for our own wedding.

I spent a full year without dating because my heart was always stuck on him. I remember my first red carpet without him was the worst of all. As you could probably guess, there was crying and lots of it. As the rest of the year went on, I received awards and made more music. 

Then one lonely December night I got it.

Unknown: Hello Jen, Just reaching out to say I'm sorry for everything and I made a promise to still be your best friend, and here I am. I'm proud of you.

I automatically knew who it was when he mentioned the promise. The promise he had made to me 2 years prior saying "I'll always be here and I'll always be your best friend."

Me: I know you are, Ben. Same to you, always. Don't ever question it :).

Then, Along came Marc. Along with Marc came my twins, 3 short years after getting married. Suddenly, I was no longer upset about Ben. My kids became the real loves of my life and filled that missing void in my heart. A void I knew no man could fulfill.

Max and Emme became my true loves. But then my marriage with Marc ended. 2011 was hard especially when the last thing I needed came around.

Ben: I'm here for you, always.

More hurting came. But I stayed strong for my babies. Now I had to find something to distract me from Marc, and now Ben.

TO BE CONTINUED