feeling his presence, every second ♡︎

-2-

The year after I divorced Marc; I got engaged to my backup dancer, Casper. I don't know what it is with me and backup dancers.

While we were dating there were lots of award shows. Guess who I would be seeing in a few hours at one of those shows? Ben. So excited...

I'm wearing a lace floral white dress and my hair is curled. I get down from the limo with no help whatsoever because Beau was too busy signing autographs. Greatttt.

"JENNIFER!!"
"LOOK THIS WAY JLO"
"WHEN IS THE WEDDING"

Why are they yelling? I'm right here. And why the hell does Casper look so happy? Doesn't he remember he's a backup dancer? People aren't here for either of us. "Thank you, Thank you guys." What the hell is he saying thank you for? Thats when he grabbed my hand and tried to walk with me but I pulled away because I'm really not having this today.

"JLO CAN WE PLEASE GET A PICTURE OF YOU ALONE?" I was internally laughing super hard. Finally he got a reality check. I posed for pictures and I heard silence and then lots of clapping. It was Ben with Jennifer Garner, also posing for pictures.

Believe it or not, I am happy for him. He made the promise to be my best friend and always be here for me but I was also going to take him up on that. Fact is; I still loved him. But Ben made people think that he was happy with his wife and kids but I could tell he wasn't. Ben is the type of person to not really disclose much on his relationships but when he did, you saw nothing but sincerity. I knew he wasn't okay. And of course I was right.

I'm up to present some awards with Jason Statham. I walk out to the stage and Jason meets me halfway. He links arms with me and walk to the podium. The stage was so brightly lit that I could barely see everyone but coincidentally, the area that I could see was Ben's table. He was setting next to George Clooney and his wife of course. And for some reason, It hit me.

If we wouldn't have broken up all those years, I would be in her seat. He would be the father of my children and I would be the mother of his. Which reminds me of an interview I did not to long ago where they asked me a question that I occasionally think about but could never verbally answer; Do I see myself with Ben again sometime in the future? Nope. And trust me, that hurts.

Meanwhile I was staring at his table, he looked up and looked into my eyes accidentally. He smiled and I smiled back. And yes, George saw. He looked away before me and his smile dropped and it was because his wife had also noticed. I could tell that moment was super embarassing for him. It would be for me too but I didn't actually care about my relationship with Casper.

I presented the award then got off stage. I thought about texting him, and I probably will but when I finally got around to do it he got an award. I gave him a standing ovation and of course Casper followed me. He thanked everyone and he thanked his wife and kids too as he should. I was so beyond proud of him. Forget it. I'm gonna text him. I'm his friend above anything.

Jen: So I did notice how not okay you are. I'm here for you, Ben.

I waited anxiously for about 10 minutes. Maybe I shouldn't have sent him that? After all he is my ex and he is a married man? But I didn't say anything out of line. I was just checking up on him.

Ben: I was waiting for you to ask me. If you think this is right then meet me on the rooftop at 12 am during the after party.

Rooftop at an after party? That doesn't sound sketchy at all. But what do I have to lose? I sent him a thumbs up. That should give him the answer that he needs.

That award show lasted what felt like forever but it was really just an hour. After that, Casper and I got in the SUV that drove us to the after party. DJ Khaled is throwing the after party this year and he is one of my closest friends. I had been to his house before on several occasions so I kinda knew my way around it. Weirdly enough though, there was a balcony on the rooftop when I got there. How did Ben know that though? Even I didn't know that?

Ben was standing there, looking at the moon. "I was starting to think that you weren't going to come." God he looks even better up close. "Well I couldn't just leave you like that." I said, smiling like a dork.

"I know, you're not like that."

Remember earlier how I said I could never see myself with Ben again in the future? Well that's a lie. Not anytime soon because we know how that went but I know I'll become Mrs. Affleck at some point.